I Will Make You Hurt
by cucoo4cas
Summary: Six years after My Empire of Dirt, Dean and Cas are ready to move to the next level, Gabe and Sam are trying to pick up the pieces, and Charlie and Dorothy as are happy as ever. But as the title suggests, there will be pain. Angst and pain. TRIGGER WARNINGS: Death, Kidnapping, Domestic Abuse, Mental Health Problems, Drug Abuse, Gun Violence
1. And You Could Have It All

Son of a bitch. Why did he think this was a good idea? He was already nervous as shit. Was he really ready to do this? It was Dean and Cas' six year anniversary. Was there a better time to do it? Maybe when it was warmer.

It was just Dean's luck to finally find the man he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and have an anniversary in the dead of Chicago winter. It was bad enough his birthday had to be in January. If Cas said yes, and Dean hoped to God that Cas would say yes, they would definitely have a summer wedding. No more cold anniversaries. They could celebrate their anniversaries outside at the beach or have a barbecue or something. But he had to do it now. He wanted to marry Cas.

Honestly, there was a point where he would've been fine just dating Cas forever. They had started acting like a married couple years ago anyway. But he wanted to claim Cas as his if that made any sense. He wasn't possessive, or at least he thought he wasn't, but he wanted Cas to be his family legally.

God forbid anything happened to Cas, Dean wanted to have spousal rights with him. After what happened with Sam six years ago, which honestly, Dean didn't like to think about, making medical decisions was not something he ever wanted to do again. Still, Dean wanted to be able to be there for Cas if he ever had to.

And he wanted Cas.

What more reason did he need? Why was he even trying to justify it to himself? He wanted to marry Cas. More than that, he wanted to see the look on Cas' face when he asked.

Oh, God, what if Cas said no?

Oh, God, he couldn't think about that.

Cas would say yes. He loved Dean. He loved the promise ring. He'd say yes, right?

As Cas' key hit the lock, the ring in Dean's pocket weighed a thousand pounds. Oh, Jesus.

Cas came in and tossed his bag and jacket on the ground near the door.

"You would not believe the day I've had. Rachel and Hester got into a cat fight over some guy, and the school officer had to come break it up in the middle of my class," Cas said quickly as he walked to the bedroom to get dressed.

Dean followed him in order to keep listening.

As Cas stripped out of his work clothes, he continued, "And Jimmy would not shut up for five seconds. I was barely able to talk! And even if I did get my thoughts across, only Inias was able to answer because he's the only student who ever pays attention. I asked them what important events happened in 43 BC and they all just stared at me like I grew a second head. And we went over it last week, I know."

Dean grinned, "I don't have a clue what happened in 43 BC. Do I get a detention now?"

Cas rolled his eyes and said, "Cicero died and Ovid was born."

Dean raised an eyebrow. "And...?" he asked.

Cas laughed, "Shut up. It's important. And they should know this." He grabbed a sweatshirt and pulled it over his head. He asked, "Why did I decide to teach high school again?"

"Because you love it," Dean replied, smiling.

Holy crap. Cas forgot.

Dean closed the distance between them and slid his hands up under Cas' sweatshirt.

"Dean, what are you doing?" Cas asked.

"Taking off your shirt...unless of course you want to wear this to dinner," Dean said.

He so totally forgot their anniversary. Dean couldn't stop grinning.

Cas asked, confused, "We're going out for dinner? I thought we were doing taco night tonight."

"No, that's tomorrow," Dean replied.

He waited for it to click. Judging by the look on Cas' face it wasn't going to.

"Baby, what day is it?" Dean asked.

Cas answered, "Tuesday."

"And?"

"December 9th."

"And?"

Cas looked at Dean's suit. His eyes grew wide and an apologetic smile curled across Cas' lips.

And there is was.

"I love you. I'm sorry," Cas blurted, kissing Dean quickly, "I'll get dressed. Give me two minutes."

Dean grabbed a tie, tossed it to Cas, and sat on the edge of the bed. "I'll wait," he said.

Since Dean traded his patrol shift with Martin, he'd had the entire day to prepare for tonight. They weren't exactly in a hurry either. Dean had made reservations at an Italian Restaurant, and they had plenty of time.

Still, Dean kept having to remind himself to breathe. He couldn't believe he was doing this. What if Cas wasn't ready to marry Dean? Sure, Dean had been the one who hadn't been ready till very recently, but what if Cas needed more time? Six years was six years, but it never felt that long. Maybe they needed to wait. Could he really do this?

"Are you okay?" Cas asked, straightening his tie, "You look kinda off."

Dean swallowed his nerves and nodded. Gotta play it cool. Cas was going to figure it out. Knowing Cas, he probably already knew. And he hadn't said anything about it. Did Cas not want him to propose? Dean stopped those thoughts and followed Cas past the empty bedrooms to the living room to get their coats.

When they got to the restaurant, Dean was struggling to focus at all. There was no reason for him to be nervous, but God, if Cas said no, he didn't know what he'd do. Cas had completely changed his life. He had to say yes. If Cas said no, would they still date? What if it was too awkward after being rejected? No, they'd be fine. He could do this.

They were taken to their table, which was a small booth. It was away from the other patrons much to Dean's delight. If he was going to do this, the less people making him nervous, the better.

Unfortunately, the night didn't seem to be going his way as he opened the menu only to discover it was only written in Italian.

"Crap," he muttered.

Cas chuckled, "Do you want pasta or meat?"

"Are you telling me that you can read Italian, and I'm just finding out now?" Dean asked.

Cas shook his head, smiling. "No, I can't read Italian," he answered, "But I took Latin in college, and this isn't all that different. Pasta or meat?"

"Meat," Dean answered.

"Of course," Cas said, "Steak or Chicken."

"Steak."

"How do you want it cooked?"

"Medium rare."

"Okay. It comes with rice, beans, and bread. Sound good?"

Dean nodded, impressed with Cas' linguistic skills. Cas skimmed through his own menu, and Dean knew it was now or never.

"Hey, Cas," Dean said, "I have to ask you something."

Cas set aside his menu and focused his intense blue gaze on Dean.

Dean felt for the ring in his pocket. He could do this.

"Would you...would you mind ordering for me? I seriously have no idea what the menu says." Shit.

Cas lowered his eyes to the menu and said, "Yeah, I was going to order for you anyway."

"Thanks," Dean said quickly. God, he was being so awkward. He had to recover this. He wanted to marry Cas. Being nervous wasn't going to stop him from asking. "Can you believe we've been together for six years?" he asked.

Cas looked up at Dean and smiled. It was a smile that Dean wanted to see every day.

"Yeah, there were some moments when I didn't think we'd make it, but I'm really glad we did. I love you," Cas said.

"I love you, too," Dean replied, "I should've never kicked you out."

Cas sighed with a smile on his lips, "Oh, don't start that again. I was thinking more when my internship and your academy work kept us on opposite schedules."

Dean shook his head, "Nah, that wouldn't have broken us up. We fought way more when Sam and Gabriel split up."

Cas grinned and leaned across the table to kiss Dean. "That's only because you're a stubborn ass," he said sweetly.

Dean laughed, "Still six years."

Cas replied, "Yep. Six years. Can't wait till our next anniversary. Maybe it'll be above freezing for once."

"Well, you were the one who asked me out in December in Chicago," Dean teased.

Cas rolled his eyes, "You were the one who kissed me in November and dodged me for a month. We could've had a fall anniversary."

"You could have talked to me before we were halfway through the semester," Dean pointed out.

Cas made a face. "Oh yes," he said, "And you would have been won over by my natural born charisma instantly and not freaked out or had a minor sexuality crisis."

Dean chuckled, "Fair enough." He took a sip of water.

He felt the ring in his pocket, and he knew Cas wouldn't say no. But he still couldn't muster the words.

A waiter came by to take their order, which Cas delivered, smirking at Dean and his lack of Italian capabilities.

Dinner flew by in a flurry of delicious food and happy small talk. Eventually, Cas ordered something for dessert. Dean didn't know what it was, but it was chocolaty and delicious, so he had no complaints.

Finally, they climbed back into his Impala and headed home, the unasked question still hanging in the air between them.

Maybe today just wasn't the right day. He would definitely ask, though. Eventually. But he would ask.

When they got inside the apartment, it was still unnerving how quiet it was.

Better than their fourth anniversary when they'd come home to Charlie and Dorothy fighting and Sam and Gabriel sitting in angry silence. Still, it was so quiet.

Charlie and Dorothy had moved out after they finished school. They still came over a lot, but they'd wanted space for themselves. When Sam and Gabriel broke up, Gabriel moved back to his dad's building, and Sam said he wanted a fresh start, but the way Dean heard Sam crying at night, he had a feeling being in that room alone was too painful for his brother.

Dean and Cas still had the apartment, their dual income made their fixed rent easy to afford, but it was still a big apartment for just the two of them. Too many rooms, not enough people. Way too quiet.

Dean dropped his jacket next to Cas' by the door and followed Cas to their bedroom.

Cas sprawled out on the bed in nothing but boxers and sighed contentedly, "Dinner was great."

Dean quickly stripped down, careful not to let the ring bounce out of his pocket, and joined Cas on the bed.

"I love you," Dean said softly.

Cas replied, "We've been dating for six years. I'd certainly hope so."

Dean shoved Cas in the arm playfully.

Cas laughed, "I know, I know. I love you, too."

Dean propped himself up on one arm. "So, how should we celebrate our anniversary?" he asked.

Cas rolled Dean on his back and straddled his hips, grinning. "I have a few ideas," he said with an intentional murmur.

Dean grinned widely at his boyfriend and said, "Oh, really?"

Slowly, Cas pressed soft kisses to Dean's neck. With each kiss, Dean began to forget his nerves from earlier. Cas made his way down Dean's chest and stomach, kiss by kiss, and he slid Dean's boxers down his hips with an agonizingly slow pace. Dean watched Cas kick off his own boxers over to where Dean's had been discarded.

Dean ran his thumbs over Cas' bare hipbones. He asked, "How do you want me?"

"I want you," Cas said against his lover's neck, "In whatever way that will make you feel as good as possible."

Dean kissed Cas, catching his lips softly. Slowly, he spread his legs beneath Cas and waited for Cas to get comfortable, kneeling between Dean's thighs.

It had been a long time since he'd gotten nervous about being on bottom, but Dean still felt his heart race as Cas licked a finger and slid it inside of him. He tried not to moan as Cas worked him open but to no avail. Cas' fingers felt too good, and he was very good with his hands. It was all Dean could do to reach for the lube on the nightstand without losing himself. Cas was dangerously close to his prostate.

Quickly, Dean ran his hand up Cas' length, slicking him up and enjoying the pleasured expression on Cas' face.

Cas took the cue, removed his hand, and lined himself up.

In the moment of clarity, Dean was astounded at how beautiful Cas was. He was muscular in a subtle way, his blue eyes were lust blown, and it was all Dean could do not to pull Cas down to him just to feel the warmth of Cas' soft skin.

Then, Cas filled him. Dean grabbed the edge of the bed as he willed his muscles to relax. Gradually, Cas started to move, pulling Dean's sanity with each small thrust.

"God, Cas," Dean breathed.

Cas kissed him hard, and Dean replied with tongue and raking his fingers through Cas' thick hair. It felt just so good. But it was Cas' anniversary, too. The pleasure couldn't just go one way. Dean wrapped his legs around Cas' waist and pulled him in deeper, eliciting a gasp from his boyfriend.

"I love you," Dean murmured.

Cas kissed him and replied softly, "I love you, too."

Cas lifted Dean up onto his lap as he sat back on his heels. Dean took over some of the motion now that he was on top. He thoroughly enjoyed the sensual look in Cas' blue eyes. Dean explored Cas' mouth with his tongue as he lowered himself up and down Cas' shaft.

Cas moaned into the kiss and bucked his hips against Dean. Softly, Cas kissed Dean's neck and collarbone and chest. Dean leaned back, arching his back in pleasure, giving Cas access to more skin to kiss. When Cas' trailing kisses got to Dean's navel, Dean sat back up and gently nudged Cas onto his back.

At first, Cas still thrust up into Dean, but Dean whispered, "Let me."

Cas stilled his movements, giving Dean a level of trust that still made him breathless after so many years. Slowly, Dean slid up and down Cas, which earned him a few moans as he went. He built up his speed and watched Cas' expression change from elation to ecstasy. Cas' hands ran up Dean's back, and it almost made Dean lose his control.

He kissed Cas fiercely; it was a kiss Cas matched in its passion. Dean ran a hand through Cas' hair while Cas ran his hand along Dean's length at the same pace as Dean's movements. Quickly, Cas' hands were in Dean's hair, pulling him in for kiss after kiss. Cas rolled them over and thrust into Dean hard. Dean moaned against Cas' mouth, pressing into each thrust.

Reluctant to leave Dean's lips, Cas broke the kiss and placed Dean's legs on his strong shoulders. Dean gasped with the suddenly deeper thrusts.

"Cas, I-" he tried. But he could barely control his breathing in this position let alone his ability to speak. Cas ran his warm hands down Dean's sides and in that moment, Dean lost it.

He came and tried to avoid getting it on his stomach but failed. He didn't really care anyways.

After a pleasure filled moan, he gasped out, "Marry me, Cas."

Shit.

At the same time, Dean felt Cas come. Maybe Cas didn't hear him. Maybe his orgasm had covered Dean's words. But Cas had gone completely still. Yeah, he heard him. Fuck. This was really not how Dean had planned on proposing.

"What?" Cas asked.

"You heard me," Dean replied, still breathing heavily.

"Say it again," Cas ordered. His intense stare didn't allow Dean to think twice about it.

"Marry me, Cas," he repeated, "Please."

Cas leaned down and kissed Dean softly, slowly pulling out.

"Yes," Cas said quietly, staring into Dean's eyes. Dean pulled his legs down from Cas' shoulders and pulled Cas down into a long kiss.

They were going to get married.

Before he could comprehend this, Dean asked, "Did you come because I proposed?"

Cas laughed, "Shut up."

"I can't believe you came because I asked you to marry me. New high score."

"Shut up. I can't believe you proposed."

"I can't believe you said yes."

"Why wouldn't I say yes?" Cas asked earnestly.

"I don't know," Dean said, "But anything's possible."

Cas got up and tossed Dean a towel, which Dean used without hesitation to clean himself off.

"So, we're engaged now?" Cas asked.

Dean got up and fished the ring out of his pants on the floor.

"Yep," he answered and slid the ring onto Cas' finger.

Cas kissed him excitedly.

"How do you want to celebrate our engagement?" Cas asked.

Dean kissed Cas softly and smiled. "I have a few ideas," he said.

Quickly, they hopped in the shower for round two.


	2. I Will Swallow My Pride

Sam woke up quietly despite the unrelenting urge to scream. Occasionally, he slept without nightmares, but those dreamless nights were few and far between. He sat up and turned off his alarm clock two minutes before it was set to go off. He stretched his fingers and tried to forget the feeling of his hands wrapped around Gabriel's throat.

Quickly, he got out of bed and got dressed, making sure to straighten and tuck the sheets before leaving his room. His therapist would have said his cleanliness was a coping mechanism, but he tried not to worry about what his therapist would have said. He hadn't seen her in years, anyway. And that was fine. He was fine. He had no need for therapy anymore. He was just fine.

Methodically, Sam made his way through his kitchen, cabinet to cabinet, looking for an adequate breakfast. It helped to go through each shelf even though he knew he was going to fry two eggs and eat them alone. Going through the kitchen inch by inch gave Sam the luxury of routine. It kept his mind idle, which was nice since he could only think about his nightmares of Gabriel so many times before wanting to punch something or remind himself just how horrible of a human being he was. But those were destructive thoughts. He couldn't afford to think like that. Besides, he was okay. He was perfectly fine.

Still, when his cell phone rang, Sam wanted to throw it against the wall instead of breaking the fragile serenity of his morning routine.

But he was fine. So he answered it.

"Hey, Dean," he said, continuing past two cabinets to the eggs in the refrigerator.

"Sammy, hey. Cas and I are coming over. You home?" Dean asked.

As if Sam had anywhere else to be on a weekend. "Yeah, I'm home," Sam replied, "Come on over. Is something going on?"

He cracked an egg into the frying pan and watched the yolk break. Fine. Scrambled eggs then. Whatever.

"Nothing bad," Dean said quickly, "Just got some news. We'll be there in a few minutes." Sam really wished Dean would stop being on eggshells with him. It'd been so many years since he tried to...and he was fine now. Dean really needed to start treating him like he was okay and not some basket case. Sam frowned at the scrambled eggs and strongly considered starting over and having fried eggs like he'd planned.

"Okay," Sam said, "See you then. You're not supposed to be on the phone while you're driving anyway."

"I'm not driving, Cas is."

That set alarms off.

"Cas is driving the Impala? Are you sick? Injured?"

Dean laughed, "Nah, just figured I could share the driver's seat every once and a while."

Sam heard Cas mumble something and Dean laugh.

"We're downstairs," Dean said, still laughing.

"I'll let you in," Sam said and hung up. Those two were so in love, it was disgusting.

Sam buzzed them in and hurried to scrape his eggs into a bowl before he forgot about them. Sometimes it bothered him that he'd forget to eat. Sometimes he forgot to eat for days and didn't care. Still, all part of the healing process, right? He was fine.

As he sat down at his small kitchen table, Dean and Cas walked into his apartment.

Dean was still smiling when he walked in, but upon seeing Sam, sobered quickly. Sam couldn't look that bad. Maybe his eyes were a little red, but it shouldn't have been enough to kill the joy out of Dean so quickly.

"Hey, Dean," he greeted before starting his breakfast. He raised a hand in a half wave at Cas.

"How're you doing, Sammy?" Dean asked, pulling the only other chair in Sam's apartment up to the table.

"I'm good," Sam said a little too quickly.

It was clear his brother didn't believe him.

"Just didn't sleep well last night," Sam explained, "What'd you guys have to tell me?"

"We need to talk," Cas said.

Dean sighed, "Jeez, Cas. Say it a bit more ominously. It's not like someone died."

"Did someone die?" Sam asked, alarmed.

"No, God, Sam, what the hell?" Dean said exasperated, "Cas and I are getting married."

Sam nearly choked on his eggs. He wondered if Cas had had to ask. If Dean asked, that meant Gabriel owed Sam some money. Not that that mattered now anyway...

"It's about damn time," he said, shaking his ex from his thoughts and grinning, "I'm happy for you guys."

Cas sat on Dean's lap and fixed Sam with a frighteningly intense stare.

"Here's the part that you're not going to be so happy for," Cas said, "As Dean's brother and my best friend, clearly we want you to be either my or Dean's best man."

"Or maid of honor," Dean said, grinning, "Whichever you prefer really."

Sam chuckled, "Shut up. Best man's cool. Why wouldn't I?"

Cas continued, "Now, I don't have much in the way of family aside from you guys, but I have a few friends I'd like to invite. Dean already said no to Balthazar, so-"

"The dude totally grabbed your crotch at Charlie and Dorothy's wedding. I'm completely within my rights to object," Dean said.

"Basically," Cas said, ignoring Dean, "I want to invite Gabriel."

Sam's stomach dropped. He hadn't seen him in nearly two years. And their break up had been...the last time he'd seen Gabriel...

"Of course, if that's a problem for you, I don't have to. I don't want to make you uncomfortable," Cas said, "It's your call."

"That's...umm..." he said.

On the one hand, he could see Gabriel again outside of his nightmares. On the other hand, he hadn't seen Gabriel in person in two years. Either way, it'd be awkward at best and probably painful. But maybe it'd stop his dreams if he could see that Gabriel was okay.

The last time he saw Gabe, he was crying, begging Sam to think things through, until something in him broke, and he left. Sam tried desperately not to think of that night.

"You know, it's your wedding. I can't say who you can and can't invite," Sam said.

Cas looked at Sam, concerned.

"Are you sure?" Cas asked, "I just want you to be okay."

Sam shook his head. "Don't worry about me, okay? I'm fine. Really. Go, plan your wedding and babies and stuff. Be happy," Sam said.

Cas gave a small smile, and Sam could tell neither of them believed him.

Dean sighed, "Well, okay. I won't worry about you. Just to be on the safe side, I want you and Gabriel to try to be in the same room before the wedding. If you can't handle him for a few minutes, I don't want you stuck with him for hours on end, okay?"

Sam wasn't sure about that at all. What if Gabriel wasn't okay? What if he was as fucked up over it as Sam was? No. Sam was okay. He could do this. He could see Gabriel again. If it would make Dean and Cas happy, he'd do just about anything.

"I'll try," Sam said.

Cas nodded and got up.

Dean stood up and clapped Sam on the shoulder. "Good enough," he said.

Cas shared a glance with Dean, which told Sam they were going to leave.

"Well, we're off to Charlie and Dorothy's to tell them the news. You want to come?" Dean asked.

Sam shook his head and said, "Nah, it's okay. Go ahead. I'll see you guys later."

Cas held up a hand to say goodbye and headed for the door.

Dean followed quickly, but Sam caught him by the door. He hugged Dean tightly.

"Uh, Sam?" Dean said.

Sam released him and said, "I'm really happy for you, Dean."

Dean grinned widely and patted Sam on the back. "I'll see you later, Sammy," he said.

Sam closed the door behind Dean and shut his eyes.

All he could see was amber eyes swimming with tears and pain. All he could hear was the anger in his voice when he told Gabe to leave. It was for Gabriel's own good that they ended it, he knew that, but all he could think was that two years ago he'd broken the man he loved, and it was probably the biggest mistake of his life. Now, it was too late. Maybe it would've been better if he died those years ago when Gabriel had saved him from his suicide attempt.

No.

He couldn't think like that.

Sam felt tears prick at his eyes as he realized it was still only morning. He still had the whole rest of the day to get through.

Great.


	3. Beneath the Stains of Time

Reaching for his coffee from the dashboard of the Impala, Dean asked Garth, "How fast was that last car going?"

Garth sighed, "Only one mile over the limit."

Dean took a sip of coffee, put it back on the dashboard, and reclined the driver's seat. "Since we're not needed, I'm going to take a nap," he said, "Let me know if anything interesting happens."

Garth laughed, "You are too funny. Napping on the job? The captain's already going to be miffed at you for using this car for patrol."

Dean sighed and sat back upright, "My baby is better than the crappy squad cars, and you know Gordon loves me. He won't care."

Garth glanced at Dean but returned to staring out the windshield and checking the speed radar on occasion. The guy was an awkward, skinny kid, and when he was first assigned as Dean's partner, Dean wasn't exactly pleased. Garth was way too sweet for this line of work...not that acting as a speed trap was all that gritty. Still, Garth was about as intimidating as a goldfish. He'd started to grow on Dean, though. At the very least, Dean felt a bit protective of him.

"Hey, do you see that?" Garth asked.

Dean followed Garth's gaze to the vacant lot across from them. His chest constricted suddenly. Three guys stood around in what was clearly a drug deal. That wasn't the issue. The guy handing over the money was Benny. They hadn't talked in a while, but Benny was still Dean's friend.

"Grab my coffee," Dean said to Garth as he put the Impala in drive and peeled across the street to the lot. Quickly, he got out of the car and flashed his badge. "Alright, all of you," he barked, "Hands up."

A small part of Dean wished one of them would try to run just for a change of pace. Instead, they all raised their hands while the two drug dealing teenagers swore at each other.

"Garth, can you handle them?" Dean called while his partner got out of the car. Garth nodded and went about reading the teens their rights.

Dean walked over to Benny and said, "Benny, what the hell? Why are you here?"

Benny looked over Dean's shoulder seemingly to avoid Dean's gaze and shook his head. "Of course you're the cop that busts me," he said.

Dean sighed, "That's not answering my question."

Benny looked at the ground for a moment but met Dean's gaze with a grin made of undoubtedly forced bravado. "For once, Dean," he said, "This is exactly what it looks like."

Dean groaned and looked over at the Impala where Garth had sat the dealers in the backseat. He didn't want to arrest Benny. Benny was his friend, he trusted him. They weren't always close, but they were always there for each other when it counted. Dean glanced at Benny and hatched an idea. Truth be told, there was a reason Dean insisted on setting up their speed trap over on that street. He'd overheard the detectives talking about drugs in that area.

"You're gonna have to come with me," Dean said.

Benny nodded and held out his wrists.

"I'm not cuffing you," Dean said, "Get in the car."

Benny grinned and sauntered over to the car. "Whatever you say, brother," he said. Benny slid in next to the teenagers in the back, and Dean climbed back in the driver's seat, ignoring the look he was getting from Garth.

"Hey, how come he doesn't have handcuffs?" one of the dealers asked. Garth pinned Dean with a withering stare. He was barely sure his plan would work, but he was damn sure his plan wouldn't work if the hoodlums heard about it.

"What can I say?" Dean said, starting the car, "We're just incompetent Chicago cops." Garth rolled his eyes but seemed to take Dean's sarcasm as a cue not to ask. They pulled out of the lot quickly.

When they got to the station, Garth took the teens to be processed for possession if not for dealing.

Dean grabbed Benny's arm above the elbow and walked him to an interrogation room.

"Aren't you booking me?" Benny asked.

Dean said, "Not if I can help it."

Benny gripped Dean's shoulder and said, "Thank you, brother."

Dean shook his head. "Don't thank me just yet," he said. He motioned for Benny to take a seat.

Benny sat and watched Dean nervously as the cop leaned against the interrogation table.

"The captain's gonna be in here soon, so I want you to tell me right now why I found you buying cocaine," Dean said. He had a plan, and the last thing he wanted was Benny clamming up, but he needed to know why the hell his old friend was into drugs.

"Jo kicked me out," Benny said. Dean tried not to let his shock show on his face. He hadn't seen them in a while, but he'd thought they'd been doing okay.

Benny chuckled in a way that clearly was a façade. "She finally got sick of my drinking," he said, trying to be as lighthearted as possible.

Benny sighed and looked at Dean. "If you'd ever been on the street, then you'd know why I was buying snow today."

Dean leaned closer to Benny. "I have been on the streets," he said softly, "I was out on the street for a hell of a lot longer than you've been, and I kept Sammy and I clean the whole damn time, so I know that's just a sad excuse of a lie that you just fed me. Wanna try that again?"

Benny stared at Dean like he was sizing him up. "My friend gave me some to help me feel better after Jo," he said after a moment, "She's a hard habit to break."

"You know, Benny, there are rehab clinics all over the city," Dean tried.

Benny fixed Dean with a hard stare that did nothing if not remind him of Sam and the emptiness in his brother's eyes.

"I'm not talking about crack, Dean," Benny said, "I could quit that whenever I want. I'm talking about Jo. I don't do any other drugs, and I only get cocaine when it's really bad. I'm not a junkie. It just...helps. It helps me think about other things, you know?"

Dean nodded. He didn't know what he'd do without Cas, and he saw what the lack of Gabriel was doing to Sam. Drugs were a stupid way to cope, but Dean could understand wishing for a way to cope at all. He vaguely wondered if he'd have to start sweeping Sam's place for drugs at some point.

The captain came in right then, opening the door and slamming it behind him.

"Hey, Gordon," Dean said.

"It's Captain to you, Winchester. We are having a long talk about that car of yours later," Gordon said, "Now, who the hell is this, and why do you have him in my interrogation room?"

"This is Benny. Picked him up buying cocaine from some kids," Dean said.

Gordon shot him a look that said he was clearly unimpressed and unamused.

Dean explained, "Garth and I were acting as a speed trap in the best car money can buy, and we saw the deal going down near Jackson and Harlem."

Gordon shot Dean with an icy glare at the mention of the Impala, but he nodded knowingly and turned to Benny, attention having been fully seized. "You his friend?" he asked Benny.

Benny nodded and looked at Dean, confused.

"There've been a lot of deals happening around there lately. We've been trying to get a guy on the inside," Dean explained.

Gordon shot him disapproving sideways glance.

"I know, I know, I'm not a detective," Dean said, "But I overheard them talking about it. If we don't charge Benny, he's already on the inside."

Benny looked between Gordon and Dean, bewildered.

"Are you asking me to be a wire?" Benny asked.

Dean looked at Gordon for approval, and Gordon nodded reluctantly.

"We know there's a drug ring around there," the captain said, "We just need more concrete evidence to take it down. If you'll help us out, we'll keep your record clean."

"You know, guys die doing this kind of snitching, right?" Benny said.

Dean nodded. He said, "I told you not to thank me."

Benny sighed, looked at Gordon warily, and said, "When do we start?"

Gordon quickly set Dean to work preparing the paperwork required for having Benny wear a wire for the Chicago PD.

Benny was taken over to a detective in Vice for screening and preparation while Dean spent the rest of his afternoon fighting with the fucking copy machine. It was bad enough that his friend got kicked out, got into drugs, and got his life put on the line by Dean himself, but the copier didn't want to make anything easier. The blinking status report of 'scanner detects no items scanned' made Dean want to drop kick it out the office window. It didn't matter that they were on the first floor, it would make him feel better. Finally, he got the paperwork together and got off the clock in time to pick up Cas from work.

As he pulled his Impala up to the curb outside the school, Dean noticed the exhausted, half-hearted way Cas picked up his briefcase from the ground next to him. He decided not to mention his less than thrilling shift to his tired looking fiancé.

When Cas crawled into the passenger seat, Dean asked, "Tough day?"

Cas nodded and slumped over onto Dean's shoulder. Dean kissed Cas on the head lightly before pulling away from the curb heading towards their apartment.

"You want to talk about it?" Dean asked.

Cas sighed, "My day started fine. Most of my students actually did their homework for once. But Maddie saw my ring. She asked me about it, and I told her that we're getting married."

Dean held his breath. The idea of marrying Cas was amazing, but seeing the effect of revealing the news had apparently had on Cas was much less so.

"She said she was happy for us. Then, Tom asked if it was true that you were a guy. I make it a habit not to lie to my students, but there was a bit of awkward silence followed by some colorful questions regarding the morality of homosexual marriage," Cas continued.

Dean reached for Cas' hand and squeezed it as a sign of support.

Cas said quickly, "Nothing outwardly horrible happened, but these are children, and this is not the 1950s. I couldn't help but feel like if I were straight, it would have been nothing but well wishes and excitement. It was like being smacked in the face with innate societal prejudice, and it just felt awful. But I can't be upset with my students, because this is the society they've been raised in. I'm still just so frustrated but with only a vague idea of society as a whole to be frustrated at."

Dean nodded as they pulled into the apartment's parking structure. "I know what you mean," he said, "And I'm sorry you had to deal with that."

Cas gave Dean a soft but glum smile as they parked and got out of the car.

Dean grabbed Cas' briefcase and wrapped an arm around his fiancé.

"How about I make today better for you?" Dean said.

Cas smiled and asked, "How do you plan on doing that?"

"Well, for starters, none of that would've happened if we weren't getting married," Dean said, facing Cas and grinning, "And I'd say marrying you is worth dealing with stupid society."

Cas smiled and pressed his lips to Dean's. Dean kissed Cas back and held Cas' hand with his free one as they walked up the stairs to their home.

"Also, I think we should do absolutely no work today. No lesson plans or grading for you and no paperwork for me. We should go upstairs, I'll make us some delicious dinner, and we can just relax," Dean said.

Cas hummed with pleasure at the idea. "We have a lot of work to do," he said, "But that does sound very nice."

Dean asked, "Nice enough to go along with it?"

"As long as there's some wedding planning in there, sure."

"Awesome."

Two hours later, Dean and Cas sat in the middle of their living room surrounded by magazines, half eaten cheeseburgers, a couple of empty beer bottles, and a laptop with browser tabs for florists and bakeries open.

"Seriously, Cas? Look at this pie. It's a freaking apple pie with a chocolate fountain in the middle of it. How can this not replace a wedding cake?"

"We are not having a pie for our wedding cake. We can have pie at the reception, we can even have that pie at the reception, but we need an actual wedding cake."

"But cake can be so dry."

"So, we'll taste test it first."

That caught Dean's attention.

"We can taste test a wedding cake?" Dean asked.

Cas grinned, realizing how easily he'd won. "Yes, we can taste test wedding cakes. As many as you want. We can take a day and do nothing but eat slices of different cakes," he said.

Dean smiled impishly. Now, that was a way to spend a day.

"Okay, wedding cakes. Do you have a favorite in mind, or can we go wild when we taste test?" Dean asked.

Cas smiled at Dean knowingly, "Both."

"I knew there was a reason why I'm marrying you," Dean said.

Cas laughed, "Only one reason?"

Dean purposely took a bite of his unfinished cheeseburger and grinned widely at Cas.

"That doesn't answer my question, Dean," Cas said, still smiling.

"Can't talk," Dean said around the mouthful of burger, "Still chewing."

Cas rolled his eyes and said, "You're ridiculous."

Dean grinned, "And yet you love me."

Cas kissed him.

After pulling back, he licked his lips and said, "You used too much seasoning on the burgers."

Dean gasped in mock offense, "I'll have you know my burgers came out perfectly."

Cas laughed and opened a new tab on the laptop.

"What now? We decided on a florist, we decided on a banquet hall, we're having a cake testing day soon, and we're definitely having a pie with a chocolate fountain at the reception. What else is there? What are you looking up?" Dean asked.

Cas swiveled the computer around to face Dean. It was a page full of tuxedos.

Dean said, "What."

"What?" Cas asked, "Did you think we were getting married in t-shirts and jeans?"

Dean sighed and started scrolling through the website. "A guy can dream, right?" he asked.

"You'll look lovely in a tux," Cas said.

"And I'm sure I'd look great in jeans, too," Dean replied, "Doesn't mean I get to wear them."

Cas laid his head on Dean's lap.

"I might look good in a tux," Cas said softly.

Dean set the laptop aside and looked down at his angel of a fiancé. He replied, "Might? Might look good in a tux? Jeez, Cas. Not sure if we should be getting married if your looks are only a maybe."

Cas grinned brightly. He looked up at Dean with his too blue eyes and said, "I love you."

"I love you, too, Cas," Dean replied.

Cas asked, "How are we going to pay for all of this?"

Dean shook his head and kissed him. "Just stick with the 'I love you.' It sounds better," he said.


	4. Upon My Liar's Chair

Sam sat at his desk, trying not to let the crying woman across from him affect him too much. He handed her a pen and some tissue. "If you could just fill out these report forms, I'll make an appointment for you to see Mr. Henricksen first thing tomorrow," he said.

The woman nodded, blowing her nose into the tissue profusely. "Thank you so much," she said with a tear thick voice.

Sam gave her a sympathetic smile as he straightened the paperwork and handed it to her. She sat on the couch near the office door when Sarah Blake walked in and straight up to Sam's desk.

"Hey, Sam," Sarah said brightly, "Your afternoon going well?"

Sam caught Sarah's gaze and shifted his stare to the distraught woman on the couch.

"Oh," Sarah said quietly, "I didn't notice. Sorry."

Sam shook his head. "How's your afternoon, Sarah?" he asked.

Sarah smiled brightly when Sam said her name, and it made Sam's stomach twist with a twinge of guilt. She said, "It's been lively as always. Lots of calls from people needing copies made of restraining orders. You'd think people would keep important documents in places they'd remember, you know?"

Sam nodded and glanced over at his attorney's new client to make sure the conversation wasn't bothering her.

"Are you on lunch?" Sam asked.

Sarah nodded.

Before she could say anything else, Sam asked, "You want to go out for coffee? I just have this last appointment to put in."

Sarah grinned excitedly, and Sam knew he was going to have to talk to her.

Sarah was nice to Sam from his first day working at the Domestic Crisis Center. She always had a smile for him, and she always went out of her way to talk to him. She worked in the reception office downstairs and really had no reason to be coming up to talk to the attorney's assistant. It was clear from day one that Sarah had some sort of attraction to Sam, though it still baffled him. He hadn't been out with a girl since before high school. Still, even if Sam was interested, things with Gabriel and the nightmares were enough to remind Sam of the broken burden he was.

Sam quickly adjusted Victor Henricksen's virtual calendar to reflect the new appointment with Amy, the sobbing woman Sam was trying to get the all too happy Sarah away from.

Sam said softly to Amy with a sincere note of empathy in his voice, "You're appointment is set for 8am tomorrow. It's going to be okay." She smiled a watery attempt of a smile at him and continued filling out the paperwork.

Quickly, he walked Sarah out into the hall and said, "Her husband shredded her restraining order yesterday and attacked her. She's not doing too well right now."

Sarah paled visibly. They started walking to the coffee shop in the downstairs lobby.

"I'm glad there are nice guys like you out there," she said.

Sam sighed and exited the stairwell. He tried to focus on something else. What he was going to do about his brother's wedding sprung readily to mind. He needed an out or a distraction to get through the horrible awkwardness that a night near Gabriel would bring. Or a date. Maybe he could ask Sarah to go. She'd probably read too much into it, but it would be better than going by himself with his ex-boyfriend in the room. One look at those amber eyes and all bets were off.

"What's on your mind?" Sarah asked.

Sam shrugged and got in line to order coffee. "My ex," he answered.

"Oh, interesting," Sarah said, overly exuberant, "Information on the mystery love life of Sam Winchester. Do tell."

"There's nothing to tell."

"Well, what's her name?" Sarah pressed.

"His name," Sam corrected, "Is Gabriel."

Sarah blushed, looked at the floor, embarrassed, and said, "I'm sorry. I didn't think you were-"

Sam grinned and shrugged, "It's no big deal."

Sam ordered them two iced coffees and waited for Sarah to recover from her shock. At least now her attempts at flirting with Sam would probably die down.

"So," Sarah said slowly, "You dated a guy named Gabriel. I still want to know what happened." Sam grabbed their coffees and sat on a bench. He handed his friend her coffee.

"We dated for four years. We fought a bit but nothing too terrible. I couldn't open up to him the way he wanted me to," Sam said, trying not to think about the actually terrible fights, "Eventually, I was only hurting him by prolonging it, so I broke up with him."

Honestly, Sam wasn't lying, but he'd kept it vague enough that Sarah wouldn't pry more into the breakup. Sam had said some things and done some things that he wasn't proud of.

"Do you still have feelings for him?" Sarah asked.

Sam grinned at the question. He wasn't touching that one with a ten-foot pole. "It's complicated," he said.

She seemed satisfied with that, and they finished their coffee in peace. When Sam returned to his desk, he found the paperwork Amy had finished and scanned it into the computer. He hoped this process would help her with her husband, but a piece of paper could only do so much. The law didn't mean much if she wound up dead. Maybe Sam would mention to Dean about Amy so he could get somebody to watch out for her.

At the end of the day, Sam was resolved to go to Dean's. He wanted to tell him about Amy, but he also wanted to ask if he could invite Sarah as his date. She knew there wasn't a chance for them now, so he felt much more comfortable with the prospect. He packed up his stuff and headed to Dean and Cas' place. He thought about calling, but he was starting to consider asking them not to invite Gabriel, and he really didn't want to be that guy.

It'd been years. They'd be okay for one night. Sam used his old key to open the door and stopped dead. Those familiar amber eyes looked tight, his smile looked nervous, and a subtle pain ran through his features. Sam felt a rush of guilt that he hadn't felt since the day he kicked the man he loved out of his life.

"Hey, Sam," Gabriel greeted from his spot on Dean's couch. Dean and Cas looked at Sam apologetically. This was going to be much, much harder than Sam anticipated.


	5. The Needle Tears a Hole

Cas sighed, "What about 'Can't Fight This Feeling'?"

"The R.E.O. Speedwagon song?" Dean asked.

Cas nodded, looking up from the notepad that was covered in ink and slash marks. It was April, the wedding was a month away, and they still didn't have a song.

"Well, that's kind of my song with Jo," Dean said quietly.

"You dated Jo?" Cas asked, shocked.

Dean shook his head, "No, I never dated-I mean, it was a song we did karaoke to once, and she kind of declared it our song, and she's gonna be there, so I don't want to-"

Cas rolled his eyes and slashed out another song from the list. Dean quietly penciled in "I Can't Help Falling In Love With You" by Elvis, and Cas gasped in mock offense.

"What?" Dean asked.

Cas pointed at the paper. "No," he said, "No, I'm sorry. It's a great song, but I know why you put that on the list and I am NOT going through that again."

"I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about," Dean teased.

Cas glared at his fiancé. "You mean you don't remember the book we read together about the guy who got drafted to Vietnam? The one you cried over at the end? You don't remember that one?" he sassed.

Dean grinned, "Okay, fine. Not that song."

"'Hey, Jude?'" Cas suggested.

"Nah," Dean said, "My mom used to sing that to me before bed. I don't want to think about that at our wedding."

Cas nodded, understanding. Thoughts of arson could definitely ruin a happy occasion.

As Dean opened his mouth to suggest something else, a knock came at the door. Cas hopped up to answer it, while Dean wondered if Cas would agree to Queen's 'Somebody to Love.'

"Hey, Gabriel," Dean greeted as their friend entered.

"Hola, Dean-o," Gabriel replied as he waltzed in and plopped on the couch next to Dean. He pointed to the list lying where Cas had been sitting. "What's this?" he asked.

Dean shot Cas a look and said, "Just wedding stuff."

Cas sighed, taking his spot back between Dean and Gabriel.

"We still haven't picked a song for our first dance," Cas explained.

Gabriel laughed, "Why don't you just use your guys' song?"

"We don't have one," Dean and Cas said in unison.

Gabriel gaped at them in shock. "Seriously?" he said, "You two have been playing the perfect couple act for six years, and you don't have a song?"

Cas shrugged, "It's never really been a big deal."

"What about 'Time in a Bottle'? You guys danced to it at Dorothy and Charlie's wedding," Gabriel suggested.

Cas shook his head, "No, Dean and I have all the time in the world. It doesn't really fit."

Dean nodded, "Yeah, it's not really us anyway."

"We can worry more about this later," Cas said, "You did come over for a reason, right, Gabriel?"

Their friend nodded slowly, a small tightness worming into his features. He only got that look when it had something to do with Sam.

He faced Dean and Cas and said, "I don't think I should go to your wedding."

Oh, yeah. It was definitely about Sam.

"How come?" Cas asked.

Dean felt it was fairly obvious.

Gabriel said, "I don't want to make it awkward for Sam. We haven't seen each other in two years. I don't know how we'll be around each other, and your wedding shouldn't be where we figure that out."

Dean really wished Gabriel and Sam found a way to make it work. He'd never seen Sam or Gabriel happier. Things had gotten better since the break up, but neither of them was as happy as they'd been.

Dean said, "If you think it's a bad idea to come, that's okay. But I'd really prefer if my family were at our wedding."

"And Sam should definitely be there," Gabriel said.

"I'm not talking about Sam," Dean said, "You're as much family as he is."

Gabriel met Dean's eyes, letting him know the words meant something to him, and seemed to consider this for a moment before saying, "I just don't want to hurt Sam."

Suddenly, the apartment door opened and Dean felt Cas' hand tense in his own. Gabriel put on a tight, forced smile and the light in his face vanished only to be replaced by a sharp pain in his eyes. It was hard to reconcile the man on the couch now with the friend they'd just been hanging out with.

"Hey, Sam," Gabriel said.

Sam's eyes flicked to Dean who could only give him a sympathetic smile. Well, this was awkward. This was really why people needed to knock. Sam went a bit paler than normal. He studied his shoes for a moment.

"Things will only be awkward if we let them be," Gabriel said, glancing away from Sam.

Sam nodded slowly and sat in the living room with the rest of them. Dean didn't quite know what to make of the situation, but Gabriel was always the one to get through to his brother.

"Are you going to the wedding?" Sam asked Gabriel stiffly and without eye contact.

Gabriel shrugged, "I don't know. Would you be okay if I did?"

Sam looked at Dean and said, "Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

Dean wanted to crawl under a rock. From the way Cas was holding Dean's hand, he suspected his fiancé was of the same mind.

"Well," Gabriel said, stiffening, "You tell me."

Sam looked at Gabriel sharply.

"So, Sam," Dean said, trying to break the tension, "I'm glad you stopped by. What's up?"

Sam's angst dropped from his face replaced with a healthy dose of snark. He said, "Oh, yeah. I was coming by to ask if I could have a plus one for the wedding."

Dean glanced at Gabriel, who looked like he was struggling to keep himself together, and said to Sam, "Sure. Do I get to know who this is?"

Sam nodded, "Of course. I have to ask her first, but I think you'll really like her."

"Her?" Dean asked, shocked. Cas ran his thumb over the back of Dean's hand, but the look on his face made it clear Cas was as dumbstruck as the rest of them. Sam grinned at Dean's surprise. Gabriel seemed to be suddenly ill.

"Okay," Gabriel said, changing the subject, "What are your guys' plans for after the wedding?"

"What do you mean?" Cas asked.

"After you guys are hitched, what are the honeymoon plans? After that, are you gonna stay in the city or move out to the suburbs and do the white picket fence thing? That sort of thing," Gabriel explained.

Sam seemed so rigid sitting near Gabriel that, not only was Dean wondering how well this wedding would go with the two of them, but he almost missed Cas saying, "The suburbs would be nice, I think."

That shook Dean out of his head.

"Whoa, Cas," Dean said, "We've lived in the city forever. Why would we move out to the middle of nowhere?"

"Well, maybe we wouldn't move right away," Cas said, "But if we ever want kids, the city isn't exactly the safest place."

"Kids can grow up in a city just fine," Dean said quickly.

Cas sighed, "I know they can. I'm just saying it would be safer. Schools would be better. It's just a better environment."

"Better isn't always better, Cas," Dean said.

Cas tilted his head to the side in confusion.

Dean shut his eyes in frustration and said, "You know what I mean."

Cas said, "Dean."

Dean shook his head. "Cas, can we talk about this in our room?" he said.

Cas got up in a huff and headed to their room.

Dean pointed a finger at Sam and Gabriel. "Do not murder each other until I get back," he ordered.

Sam rolled his eyes and stared towards the door while Gabriel looked at Sam with a worried expression that almost had Dean regretting going to discuss this matter with Cas in private.

Once Dean was at their room, Cas said, "I don't see what the big deal is. We've discussed having kids a trillion times now. I know we're not ready now, but if we ever do have kids, the suburbs are certainly an option to be considered."

Dean said, "I think we can consider it later, maybe. I just think the suburbs are a bit permanent. A house is a big commitment, and we'd need to drive everywhere, so it would cost a lot more to fill up my Impala. It's just a lot, and it's a big decision."

"So is marriage," Cas pointed out.

Dean sighed, "That's not the point. The point is moving out to god knows where because we'd actually be having kids is-"

"A very distinct possibility, Dean."

"You don't know that. We don't know anything. This might not even work."

"What do you mean by 'this,' Dean?" Cas snapped.

"This," Dean shouted, "Us. We could wind up divorced in a month for all I know!"

Cas closed his mouth and dropped his gaze to the floor. He walked towards the bedroom door.

"Cas," Dean said, "That's not what I meant."

Cas stopped and faced Dean. "Do you think we're temporary?" he asked quietly.

"No, Cas, that's not-"

"Do. You. Think we're temporary?" Cas said sharply.

Dean hesitated. He had really not intended to start this shit. Cas took his hesitation as an answer.

"Jesus, Dean!" Cas shouted, "Why are we even getting married if you don't see us lasting?"

Dean couldn't even believe what he was hearing. They'd been together for six freaking years. It was record for Dean, and Cas knew it. He knew how Dean felt. How could he even say something like that?

Dean walked out of the room before he said something he'd regret. He needed some space. He needed air. Cas followed him out into the living room.

"I'll be back in a bit. I need a minute," Dean said mostly to Sam and Gabriel but also to Cas so his fiancé wouldn't think Dean was walking out on him or some other ridiculous shit.

Dean grabbed his jacket and walked out the door.

This was just un-fucking-believable. And they still hadn't decided on a damn song.


	6. The Old Familiar Sting

"Is everything okay?" Sam asked, watching Dean walk out the door.

Cas looked at the door and sighed, "Yeah, I think so." But Cas wouldn't look Sam in the eye. He could tell Cas was lying.

"Do you want me to go after him?" Sam asked.

Cas shook his head. "No," he said, "Dean needs to cool off. I'm sorry about this."

Sam got up and hugged Cas.

"It's okay," Sam said. He released Cas and looked at Gabriel. His ex looked just as good as when they were together aside from the sadness he could clearly see in Gabriel's face. Sam realized he could probably use some fresh air himself.

"I'm going to head out, then. You don't need me in your hair when you've got my brother to deal with," Sam said.

Cas gave Sam a tight smile and nodded. "You don't have to leave, but I understand. I'll let you know when Dean gets back," he said. Sam quickly said goodbye to Cas, avoided eye contact with Gabriel, and left.

Once outside, he knew he needed something to calm his nerves. Just something to relax. Continuing to have feelings for Gabriel wasn't going to help anyone.

"Sam, wait up," Gabriel called. Sam took a deep breath. He needed something to calm him not frazzle him and confuse him.

Sam kept walking.

Gabriel caught up with him easily anyway. "Sam, can we talk?" he asked.

Sam sighed, "I'd rather we didn't."

Sam kept his eyes focused on the sidewalk. The sidewalk wasn't tempting him to stop walking, grab its face, and kiss it. Gabriel on the other hand...

"What? Why?" Gabriel asked. Because it was all Sam could do not to try right then and there to fix the damage he'd caused.

Sam ignored him and kept walking. Starbucks would suffice. The atmosphere alone if not the coffee would help him relax.

"We were family once," Gabriel shouted after him, "Or do you not remember?"

Sam stopped and looked at Gabriel. He'd be lying if he said looking at his ex-boyfriend didn't hurt like hell. He remembered being the reason for a smile to show up on that beautiful face. He remembered waking up to Gabriel's sleep-tousled hair and a blissed out grin before being kissed good morning. He remembered the feel of Gabriel's warm, soft body against his. He remembered everything, and honestly, that was part of the problem.

"Of course I remember," Sam said as Gabriel walked up to him.

"Do you?" Gabriel asked, "Are you sure? Because I get the feeling that you just flat out hate me, and I have no idea why."

"I don't hate you. How could you think that?" Sam said almost without thinking. It probably would've been for the best if Gabriel did think Sam hated him. Maybe then Gabriel would leave him alone. Their separation was for the best.

Gabriel scoffed, "How could I think that? Oh, I don't know, Sam. Maybe because we were happy for four years and you kicked me out without telling me why! That's not exactly a sign of love, kiddo."

"You know why. I told you why. You cheated on me with Adam," Sam said.

Gabriel snapped, "You were lying then, and you're lying now. I never cheated on you, and you know it."

Gabriel was right. Sam was lying. But he had to. He couldn't hurt Gabriel again. He just couldn't. And that was the only thing keeping him from crushing their lips together and apologizing again and again for the pain they were in. What he did was unforgivable.

"I'm sorry," Sam said.

"Then, why are we like this with each other?" Gabriel asked, "Why can't we at least be civil with each other for at least one wedding? We used to be friends, you know."

Sam sighed, "You can come to the wedding. We discussed this already."

"I don't want to go if you'll be uncomfortable, and right now, you can't even look me in the eye," Gabriel said.

Sam shrugged and continued walking to Starbucks. "Then, don't go to the wedding," he said.

Gabriel called after him, frustrated, "Guess I'll see you around, then!"

Sam ignored him. He needed to forget about all this and not worry about having to see Gabriel again. But there was no more denying it, he was definitely still in love with that perfect man.

He walked into the Starbucks on the corner of the street and got in line to order.

His arms ached to have Gabriel in them again. They'd been happy. Sure, there'd been fights, but mostly it was just Gabe fighting to get Sam to open up. And it almost always worked. Gabe was always there for him, no matter what. Sam had tried his hardest not to hold out on Gabe, to let him see every inch and aspect of him. It wasn't enough, but he did try. There were just some things that time and therapy couldn't fix, namely Sam's head.

When Sam got to the counter, his thoughts were so full of Gabriel and old pain that he almost forgot to order something.

"Tall iced coffee," Sam said to the guy behind the counter,

"Name's Sam." Sam quickly paid and found a table to sit at while he waited.

After a while, Adam had started having problems with Michael. Gabriel had gotten involved in a big way trying to help. So, when Sam hit the man he loved for the first and only time, and Gabriel insisted it wasn't a big deal, Sam used the situation with Adam to get Gabriel away from him.

He knew Gabe never cheated, but he knew if Gabe stayed with Sam, things would've only gotten worse. He would've hit Gabriel again, maybe worse if his temper flared enough. It wasn't a chance he was willing to take. Still, Sam wanted nothing more than to look up and see Gabriel standing next to his table, so he could at least start to make amends.

"Stan?" the barista called. When no one got up for their drink, Sam looked over and saw it was an iced coffee. He sighed and grabbed his drink. How hard of a name was Sam to get right?

"Sam?" a voice said. Sam turned his head towards the line of customers and his stomach dropped, heart leaping into this throat. He quickly turned back around and went to the table he'd been sitting at. Oh God.

"Oh my goodness, it is you," Luci said, approaching the table, "Wow, Sam. It's been a long time."

Sam picked up his coffee and his jacket.

"And it can easily be longer. If you'll excuse me..." Sam said, stepping around his ex.

"Aww, honey. You're not still mad at me, are you?" Luci asked.

Sam stared at him. Seriously? "You broke my arm, Luci. Leave me alone," he said.

"That was years ago!" Luci protested, "C'mon, you have to have gotten over that by now. How much power are you gonna let me have?"

Sam eyed Lucifer warily. He did not like the smug grin on that asshole's face. As much as he hated to admit it, Luci did have a point.

"We haven't talked in years, Sammy. Come on. Let's catch up," Luci said.

Slowly, Sam sat back down at the table. He could handle catching up with his ex, he just did the same thing with Gabriel, right? Luci was right; it had been years. He could do this. He was fine. Everything was fine.


	7. Try to Kill It All Away

Dean sighed deeply as he walked along the dusk darkened city street heading back to his apartment. He wasn't mad anymore, and he didn't care about the fight anymore. It was so stupid. The suburbs were still completely not his style, but it didn't matter. All that mattered was that Cas was happy. If they had to move to the 'burbs to make sure of that, so be it.

Dean pulled out his phone. How had they blown something so insignificant so far out of proportion?

He texted Cas, "I'm sorry. We aren't temporary. I know that. I'll be home soon. I love you." Before he could hit send, though, he saw someone out of the corner of his eye.

It was Benny, standing on a street corner with some other guys. Of course. Benny gave one of the guys something that looked like a wad of cash, but it was hard to tell from so far away. He wasn't sure if Benny was acting as a wire or if he was just buying drugs again, but either way, Dean wanted no part of it.

Dean turned around to see a kid aiming a gun shakily at him.

"Gimme your wallet," the kid said.

Dean slowly raised his hands. "Whoa, whoa, buddy. Just relax," he said.

"I am relaxed!" the kid snapped, gun shaking hazardously in his hands.

"Okay, alright," Dean said, "No one wants this to end the wrong way. Let's talk about it a second."

Dean took a small step towards the kid. His vision swam and darkened as the sound of a gunshot rang through the street. A sharp, fierce pain shot through the side of his head.

"Dean!" someone shouted.

There was worry in the voice. Why worry? What was-? Who-?

Dean felt his knees buckle under him before he blacked out.

Cas was five minutes away from calling Dean. Cooling off was one thing, but it'd been over an hour since he walked out. His fiancé was being ridiculous. Cas' phone rang. It wasn't a number he recognized, and for the first time, he started worrying that something bad had happened. Cas answered the phone quickly.

"Hello?" Cas said.

"Cas, hey," Benny said, "I don't know how to say this."

"Say what?" Cas asked. A note of tension resonated in Benny's voice that had Cas' heart racing. Where was Dean?

Benny said quickly, "Dean's been shot. He's in the hospital."

Cas stopped breathing. "Where?" he asked.

"The hospital by our old school," Benny said.

Dean was in the hospital where Sam got his arm set, where Cas got his stitches after being mugged, where Sam nearly died from an overdose, and now Dean was shot.

Cas could barely process this. He hung up the phone, grabbed the keys to the Impala, and ran out the door. Please, let him be okay. Please, let him be okay.

Cas' heart pounded painfully in his chest as he drove as fast as he could to the hospital. He nearly crashed the Impala in the first parking space he found in his rush to get to Dean. But Dean was going to be okay. And when he was okay, he'd kill Cas for hurting the car.

Parking as carefully as he could manage, Cas ran into the hospital. He found Benny right away.

"Where is he?" Cas asked, "Where's Dean?"

"Surgery," Benny said.

"What? Surgery? Why-where was he shot? What happened?" Cas asked, having trouble breathing again. Benny led Cas over to the waiting area. Garth was sitting there already, hands folded.

"He was shot in the head," Benny said quietly, "I don't know what happened. I just found him. Then, I called Garth to get us here."

Cas collapsed into the chair next to Garth. He was shot in the head. Oh God.

"Is he-" Cas started. Garth looked at him, confused. Cas swallowed, trying to keep his fear from bubbling over.

"Is he even alive?" Cas asked, voice shaking.

Garth nodded, "Yes. They had to rush him into surgery, but he was breathing when we got here. It'll be okay."

No. None of this was okay. Dean got shot. He wasn't even on duty. How could this have happened? Who could've done this? Fear gripped Cas hard. What if he wouldn't be okay? The last thing Cas said to Dean...if that was the last thing he ever said to Dean...oh God.

"I'm such an idiot," Cas said.

Benny asked, "What're you talking about, Cas?"

Cas sighed, "We got into this fight, this stupid fight, and he went for a walk to blow off some steam and now, I-" Cas' voice caught, and he struggled not to cry. Dean had to be okay. He had to.

Garth pulled Cas into an awkward hug over the arms of both their seats.

"He'll be okay," Garth said.

Cas wanted so much to believe him. But he got shot in the head. Anybody could tell you that was bad. Cas slipped out of Garth's embrace and tried to keep his composure. Dean would be fine. Everything would be fine.

"Did I ever tell you what Dean said to me when Bess and I started dating?" Garth asked.

Cas shook his head, hoping this story would help him feel better. He loved Garth, but Cas was in no mental state to be listening to one of his rambling stories if there wasn't a point to it.

"You know he and Bess don't really see eye to eye since Bess is pretty reserved. Why she decided to be with a cop, I'll never know," Garth said, "Anyway, he told me 'Who cares where happiness comes from? We're all a little weird, we're all a little wacky...some more than others. If it works, it works. You got something here; don't let it go.' After that, he told me about you guys. He doesn't like talking about personal stuff on the job, or at least not with me, but he told me how happy he is with you. So, if he's not okay, God forbid, he loves you. And you know it. Seeing how happy you've been, one fight doesn't change that."

Cas stood up and pulled Garth into a better hug.

"Thank you," Cas said, trying not to cry on Garth's shirt.

It was hard to think of much other than Dean while Dean's life hung in the balance, but being in that waiting room again reminded him of something crucial. Cas pulled away from Garth and took out his phone.

"I promise you, Cas, as both Dean's partner and your friend, I'm going to find out who did this," Garth said.

Cas gave Garth a grateful look as he dialed Sam's phone number. He'd call Dorothy and Charlie and everyone else after, but Sam needed to be here. Right now.


	8. I Wear This Crown of Thorns

"So, how've you been? How's that Gabriel of yours?" Luci asked.

Sam stayed quiet. He really didn't want to be doing this, sitting there, talking to Lucifer of all people.

Luci took Sam's silence as a response. "Oh, don't tell me you two broke up," he said.

Sam said, "Well, we did." He refused to go into detail about it with Luci. Sam felt uncomfortable enough as it was.

"I'm sorry, Sam," Luci said, "That must've been...I'm sorry."

"Yeah, me too," Sam said. If Sam were a different person, and he'd met Gabe under different circumstances, maybe they'd still have a chance.

Luci said, "I really am sorry, you know. For everything. I just wanted you to be happy. I had no idea I was...I'm truly, sincerely sorry."

Sam didn't know whether to believe him or not, but it helped to hear.

"Do you have a new guy?" Luci asked.

Sam answered warily, "Not at the moment."

"Don't worry. I'm not suggesting anything. Just harmless curiosity. New girl?" Luci asked.

Sam shot him an unamused look. He guessed it was a fair question since he wasn't totally gay, but it had still been over ten years since he'd been interested in girls.

Luci laughed, "Oh, honey. You know I'm just teasing."

Sam was just about to give a haughty response to that when his phone rang.

"Hey, Cas? Dean get back yet?" Sam asked when he answered his phone. Cas' momentary silence gave Sam the sense that something was wrong.

"No," Cas said, "Dean's been shot." His friend's voice cracked, and Sam would've dropped his phone if he weren't holding it so tight.

Cas said, "I can't-" Cas' voice cracked again, and there was a small rustling on the line.

"Cas?" Sam said.

"Sam?" Garth said, "Dean's in surgery. You should get down here. You know the hospital we're at. Do you need a ride?"

Sam looked at Luci and said, "No. I'll be there soon."

If someone picked him up and saw Luci, whoever it was would beat Sam senseless for being near his ex. Everyone had enough going on with Dean than having to worry about who Sam was sitting with. The hospital wasn't that far away.

He hung up his phone and said to Luci, "I have to go."

"Well, maybe we can catch up more later," Luci said, "Here's my number. It was nice seeing you." He stuck a napkin with numbers on it in Sam's pocket.

Sam grabbed his stuff and headed for the door. While he didn't feel as tense as he first did upon seeing Luci, one life changing crisis at a time.

"I really have to go," Sam said.

He quickly ran out to the street and ran off towards the hospital. He wished his feet would carry him faster. Dean had been shot. He didn't know how badly or if he was okay or alive, but Sam knew he had to be there. A kind of panic tied Sam's chest in knots. Dean had to be okay. He just had to be.

Twenty minutes later, he ran through the emergency room doors, winded and scared to death.

"Where's my brother?" Sam asked Benny, who was dutifully waiting for him by the entrance.

"He's in surgery," Benny said.

Sam nodded, "Where's Cas?"

"Waiting room."

Sam quickly followed Benny to the waiting room and found Cas shaking and hugging Garth. Garth released Cas as Sam entered the room.

"Sam," Cas said when Sam walked over, "I don't know what-" Cas' voice caught like he'd been crying a lot.

Sam pulled Cas into a hug. "It's gonna be okay," he said. Cas hugged him back tightly, still shaking quite a bit.

When a doctor walked into the room, a silence spread over them in a smothering embrace.

"Are you here for Dean Winchester?"

Cas nodded, letting go of Sam.

"Dean's out of surgery, and we have him in a room. He's stable," the doctor said.

"Can I see him?" Cas asked.

The doctor nodded. "Yes, but he's still sedated. I'm not going to lie to you. With a bullet wound like that, he'll be lucky if he wakes up at all," she said.

Cas made a strangled sound, and Sam put an arm on his shoulder while trying to remember how his lungs worked. He'd wake up. Everything would be fine. His brother would be just fine.

The doctor led them to Dean's room. Cas walked into the room quickly, pulling up a chair and holding Dean's hand. Sam stopped by the door. His brother's head was wrapped with white bandages and gauze, and it was clear they shaved some of his hair where they had to remove the bullet fragments. He was shot in the head? How did he get shot in the head? He wasn't even working. He'd just been in his apartment with Sam not two hours ago.

"Dean," Sam said to no one in particular as a tear escaped his eye.

He walked to his brother's side. He looked like he'd open his eyes at any moment. How did this happen? Sam felt unshed tears putting pressure on his throat. Dean would wake up. He'd be fine. Watching Cas running his thumb over the back of Dean's hand reminded Sam strongly of waking up in the same hospital and seeing Gabriel in that same position. At least Dean hadn't done this to himself. Sam felt awful. This must've been how Dean felt when Sam was in danger of not waking up. He didn't like being on this side of the situation. He felt helpless, worse than helpless, watching his brother sleep away unaware of all the worried people waiting for him. God, he'd been so selfish. How could he have done this to his family? How could this be happening to Dean?

Benny walked in quietly. "I called Charlie," he said, "They're on their way over."

Cas nodded absently.

Sam said, "Thank you, Benny." Benny nodded, offering a sympathetic smile, and walked back out of the room. Sam and Cas stayed in the room, watching Dean, and waiting.

Around two in the morning, Charlie nudged Sam awake where he'd fallen asleep in a hospital chair. "Hey, honey. How're you holding up?" she asked.

Sam shrugged and looked over at Dean. "I'm not holding up, really," he said, "He needs to wake up."

Charlie nodded. "Why don't you take Cas home? Dorothy and I can keep an eye on Dean. We'll call you if anything happens," she said.

Sam looked over at Cas, who also was fast asleep. He nodded, got up, and woke up Cas. "Hey," he said, touching Cas' shoulder, "Charlie and Dorothy are gonna watch him. We should go get some shut eye."

Cas looked up at Sam groggily. He looked at Dean but reluctantly nodded.

"If anything happens-" Cas said to Charlie.

"We'll call you," Charlie said, "I promise."

Cas hugged her and followed Sam outside.

"Did you bring a car?" Sam asked.

Cas handed Sam the keys to the Impala.

"This is just a bad dream, right?" Cas asked.

Sam sighed, walking with Cas to the car, "I wish it was." Dean had to be okay. He didn't know what he'd do without his brother.

As Sam started driving them to Cas and Dean's apartment, Cas said, "I don't want to be there."

Sam looked at Cas, confused. "What do you mean?" he asked.

"I mean I don't want to go home without him," Cas said.

Sam gave Cas a worried look. He didn't want to know what Cas would do if Dean didn't wake up. Obviously, Dean was going to wake up and be fine, so it wasn't worth the effort to ask.

"You could come over to my place," Sam offered.

Cas said, "Thank you, Sam. I'd rather not be alone tonight."

Sam started heading over to his place and asked, "How are you handling all of this?"

Cas closed his eyes and leaned his head against the passenger window. "I'm not," he said, "As far as I'm concerned, your brother is at home. He's perfectly fine, he's finishing the wedding plans by himself, we never had that stupid fight, and everything is okay. I know that's not the case, but I can't handle reality right now."

Sam nodded and drove them to his apartment.

While his building didn't have a parking structure, he miraculously found a spot for the Impala outside.

Cas collapsed on Sam's couch within seconds of walking in. Sam wasn't sure if Cas was actually asleep or if he was just lying still and staring off into space.

Either way, Sam said, "Goodnight, Cas" and headed off to his room.

He fell asleep easily, but even in his dreams, Sam wasn't allowed any rest.

He knew upon seeing Gabriel's face that he was dreaming. He knew the dream all too well. Sam would kiss Gabriel, and blood would pour from the shorter man's mouth. Gabe would take Sam's hand in his, but when Sam looked up, Gabe would be Luci, complete with bloody smile. Luci would laugh. Sam would wrap his hands around Lucifer's neck. Then, Luci would be Gabe. And Gabe would beg for Sam to stop. He'd cry and choke and have horribly potent fear in his eyes. But Sam would not relent until he felt the crushing of Gabe's windpipe beneath his fingers. Then and only then would he wake up. Gabriel smiled at him. He knew it would all happen. It happened before again and again in his sleep every night since he made Gabe leave. And he couldn't stop it. So, he kissed Gabriel. And Gabriel bled. It couldn't be helped, and he couldn't wake up until he had to forget the feeling of killing the man he loved with his bare hands.

Still, he preferred the painful nightmare to the reality that Dean might not be okay.


	9. Full of Broken Thoughts

Cas woke up in Dean's arms, which was always nice especially after a fight. He didn't quite remember when their bed had gotten so uncomfortable. When Cas opened his eyes, he sat bolt upright and grabbed for his phone.

He was on Sam's couch. No Dean. Dean was lying unconscious in a hospital bed, and Cas was on his brother's couch, checking his phone every few seconds, not at the hospital where he should be.

"Dude, what are you doing here? How do you even know where I live? I don't have the energy for this right now," Sam was saying.

"I'm not here for you, but my condolences about your brother. Where's Cas?" Gabriel asked before stepping around Sam and entering the apartment.

"Why don't you come in?" Sam said grumpily as he headed for the kitchen.

"Hey, Cas," Gabriel said, "How're you doing?"

Cas knew how upset Sam got around Gabriel. His friend really shouldn't be there.

"I'm not okay, if that's what you're asking," Cas said.

Gabriel gave Cas a tight hug. Over Gabriel's shoulder, Cas could see Sam robotically moving around the kitchen, trying not to show how tense he was and failing miserably. Gabriel really couldn't be there for much longer.

Cas pulled away from his friend and asked, "Would you mind going to the hospital with me?"

Gabriel shook his head, "Not at all. I haven't seen Dean yet anyway."

Gabriel got up and seemed like he was waiting for Cas to follow.

"Could you get the car? I'll be down in a minute," Cas said.

Gabriel studied Cas for a second but nodded and headed out the door.

Cas quickly walked to the small kitchen and leaned against the doorway. "Sam," he said.

Sam looked up, his face a mask of weariness and pain. He looked as good as Cas felt.

"I'm going to the hospital with Gabriel," Cas said, "Don't forget to eat something."

Sam gave Cas a sad smile and nodded. "I'll head by a little later," he said.

Cas went downstairs to meet Gabriel.

When Cas got in the car, Gabriel said, "So, what happened? Charlie only told me Dean was shot and where I could find you." Cas really wished people would be more worried about Dean than they were about him. Scared Significant Other privilege he guessed.

Cas said, "Dean left when you guys were over. Sometime after that, he got shot in the head-"

"In the head? Holy shit, is he okay?" Gabriel asked.

"They don't know," Cas said, "The surgery went well, but he's still asleep. They're not sure if he'll-" Cas' voice caught, but he was pretty sure he cried himself out the day before.

Gabriel patted Cas' knee as they turned into the hospital parking lot.

They went straight to Dean's room. Cas took his seat back from Charlie. His hand found Dean's, and he willed him to wake up.

Gabriel walked in and looked at Dean. "Jesus," he said.

Dean had a respirator helping him breathe, an IV feeding fluids into his wrist, a heart rate monitor attached to his chest, and the large bandage around his head. There were also brainwave monitors that Cas didn't remember seeing so many of yesterday. If Dean would just wake up and look at him, maybe Cas would be able to breathe without the constant weight in his chest. If Cas could just see those damned eyes smiling at him again, he was sure everything would be okay. He missed seeing that beautiful shade of green. Oh God. What if Dean never recovered? What if Dean never opened his eyes? What if this really was the end of everything? No. Too much. This was all just too much.

"I can't do this," Cas said.

Gabriel asked, "Do you need a hug or a distraction?"

"A distraction would be nice," Cas said, never taking his eyes off of his fiancé.

Gabriel held out his hand to Cas and said, "Let's go for a walk."

"Where?" Cas asked.

"Just around the hospital," Gabriel said, "The antiseptic smelling air will do you some good."

Cas took Gabriel's hand, and his friend hauled him to his feet. Dorothy walked over to the room when Gabriel and Cas left, keeping watch over Dean while Cas was out.

"How'd you sleep last night?" Gabriel asked.

Cas shrugged, "I slept fine once I got tired enough to forget about all this insanity."

"Okay, rule one of this distraction. No talking about Dean," Gabriel said.

Cas nodded his agreement. He didn't know what else he could say about Dean anyway. He was really just scared to death over the situation. When Dean woke up, everything would be fine.

"So, when did Sam get the new place?" Gabriel asked.

Cas sighed, "A little while after you moved out."

Gabriel's brow furrowed. He asked, "How's Sam been doing?"

"My fiancé has been shot in the head and may not recover, and you want to pump me for information about your ex?" Cas asked. Shit.

"No, I didn't-" Gabriel started.

Cas cut him off, "I didn't meant that. I'm just a little frayed lately. I'm sorry."

Gabriel gave Cas a concerned look.

Cas led him down a hallway that would be far away from the waiting room and Dean's room in case Sam showed up. The last thing he wanted was drama with Sam on top of worrying about Dean's life.

"The only reason I am telling you any of this is because I really need to forget about everything with Dean for a bit, okay?" Cas said quickly.

Gabriel nodded.

Cas took a deep breath. "Sam is not doing too well. He moved out two years ago for a 'fresh start' but he'd been crying for weeks. After he moved out, he stopped seeing his therapist. Some bullshit excuse about not being under Dean's insurance anymore. I don't know," he said, "He's gotten better, but he's always worse when he's thinking about you. I've seen him skip meals, I don't think he sleeps often, and he's kind of a wreck. On the other hand, he's been doing well at work, he's not nearly as skinny as he was when you guys first split, and there are times when he seems almost happy."

Gabriel closed his eyes and leaned against the wall.

"Why'd he do it? Why'd he end it if he took it so badly?" Gabriel asked.

Cas was about to try to answer, but he realized it was a rhetorical question. He also found it really hard to care about Gabriel and Sam's drama when Dean was out cold down the hall.

Gabriel looked over at Cas and asked, "Why didn't you tell me about Sam sooner?"

Cas put a hand on Gabriel's shoulder. He said, "Don't take this the wrong way, but you took the break up just as bad as he did. I wasn't about to bring up Sam's problems to you, not when you looked like a kicked puppy anytime Sam was even mentioned."

Gabriel nodded reluctantly, accepting that Cas had a point.

"Besides," Cas said, "It's none of my business. You should really talk to Sam."

Gabriel sighed, "Sam doesn't want to talk to me. He doesn't want me anywhere near him."

"Maybe you should respect that," Cas said.

"You're probably right," Gabriel said, "I just want to figure out what happened and tell him how I feel. I don't know. Maybe it was never going to work."

Cas felt for his phone in his pocket. Obviously, he would have heard it if Charlie or Dorothy had called him, but he still felt slightly less on edge knowing it was there. "What do you mean by telling him how you feel?" he asked, trying to keep himself from zoning out. Even if Dean had been shot and Cas felt like a basket case, it was no excuse not to be a good friend.

Gabriel ran a hand through his hair and started walking back towards Dean's room. Cas followed him.

"I still love him," Gabriel explained, "But there's not a whole lot I can do about it."

As they got to Dean's room, Cas saw Sam walking over to the waiting room.

"If you want my advice," Cas said quietly, "Tell him. If he tells you to leave him alone after that, then let him have his space."

Gabriel hugged Cas so abruptly that Cas barely had the sense to react and return the hug.

"Thanks, Cas," Gabriel said, releasing Cas, "I'm sorry to dump that on you. You've got more important things going on than the lack of whatever between me and Sam."

Cas gave Gabriel a weak smile. "Thanks for the distraction," he said, "Just don't do anything stupid."

"Where's the fun in that?" Gabriel asked, heading towards the waiting room.

Cas tried to find his friend's penchant for stupidity endearing, but he was too emotionally exhausted to really react. He walked into Dean's room, knocking on the door to let Dorothy know he was there.

"How is he?" Cas asked.

Dorothy sighed, "No change. Sorry."

Cas sat on the bed next to Dean.

"At least he has steady brain activity," she said.

Cas nodded. At least there was that. Dean definitely wasn't brain dead; the beeping coming from one of the monitors could attest for that. Cas wished his biggest problem with Dean was that they broke up and couldn't communicate effectively. At least then, Dean would be healthy and awake and not recovering from a gunshot wound. But Dean loved him; Cas knew that, and he wouldn't trade that knowledge for anything.

So, Cas sat by Dean's hospital bed and watched him fight for his life being unable to do anything to help. Dorothy left the room, leaving Cas alone with Dean. Cas slowly stroked the back of Dean's hand with his thumb.

"I'm glad we have a stable relationship, Dean," Cas said quietly, "I just had a talk with Gabriel, and I can't imagine what it would be like if you ever broke up with me for no reason. Although, a few days ago, I couldn't imagine what it would be like for you to get shot in the head, so I guess it's all relative."

Cas looked at Dean's face. "If you wake up, I'll make you a pie when we get home," he said.

He got no response from his sleeping fiancé.

"I'll plan the rest of the wedding by myself, I promise," he said.

Still no reaction, not even eye movement.

"I'll give you the best blowjob of your life if you open your eyes," he tried.

The machines kept up their steady beeping, and Dean continued his slumber.

"Dean," Cas said, "We need you. I need you. Please, wake up."

When he still got no response, Cas laid his head on Dean's thigh. He could promise Dean the moon, and it wouldn't do any good. Only time and patience would help, and for Dean, Cas had an infinite supply of both.


	10. You're the One that I Love

Two days later, Sam sat at his desk outside Victor Henricksen's office. If he wasn't solely responsible for his rent, Sam would've been at the hospital with Cas. He only got so much paid time off, though. Plus, he'd be off of work in less than a half hour. He kept careful watch of the clock on his desk. Dean was there for him when he was in dire straits. It seemed only fair that he do the same for his brother.

Fifteen minutes.

He had no clients coming in, no calls since lunch, and he desperately wanted to get back to his family. He also desperately wanted to see Gabriel. Not that he'd ever admit that out loud again. But he did. When he saw Gabriel in the waiting room two days ago, his ex had said he really wanted to talk. Of course, the waiting room of the hospital his brother was ailing in wasn't exactly the best time or place for a talk with Gabe. He'd agreed to meet after he left work and talk on the way to the hospital.

Part of Sam didn't want to be anywhere near Gabriel just from how vulnerable the man made him feel, like he would cave at any moment, be honest with him, and fall in love with him all over again. The rest of Sam wanted to know what Gabriel wanted to say just out of sheer curiosity.

Five minutes.

Sarah walked up to him with a grin and leaned over his desk. "Hey, Sam," she said.

"What's up, Sarah?" Sam asked, scooting away from his desk.

"There's someone here for you," she said, smiling from ear to ear.

"What?" Sam asked, "Who?" Sam glanced at the clock. It was basically time to go.

"A guy," Sarah said. Gabriel must've been early. Sam grabbed his jacket and opened Victor's door.

"I'm heading out," Sam said.

Victor turned around in his chair, holding a phone to his ear, and waved Sam off. Sam closed the door and followed Sarah downstairs. Gabriel was a bit early.

"Hi, Gabriel," Sam said.

His ex smiled at him as Sarah gasped. "This is Gabriel?" she squealed.

Gabriel grinned, "Tellin' your friends about me, Sammy?"

Sam sighed, "Bye, Sarah," and led his ex out of the building.

"So, who's Sarah?" Gabriel asked. They started walking to hospital. Since Sam's office was just off of their old campus, the hospital wasn't all that far.

Sam said, "My coworker. She's the one I was going to invite to the wedding."

"Was going to? You're not gonna invite her now?" Gabriel asked, "How come?"

"Dean got shot. They'll probably have to change the date of the wedding...if he wakes up," Sam said.

"Hey," Gabriel said, catching Sam's gaze, "Dean will wake up. He'll be fine."

Sam gave Gabriel a soft smile. He started to lean in for a hug before he stopped himself. That was too familiar of an action for the tentative peace they were capable of at the moment.

Gabriel noticed Sam hold himself back. His smile diminished as he asked, "Sam, are we okay?"

That was such a loaded question that Sam almost had to freeze in place to process how to react. They were so far from okay. Half the time Sam wanted to keep as far away from Gabriel as possible; the rest of the time he wanted to hold onto his ex and never let go again.

"Can you just tell me what you wanted to talk about?" Sam asked.

Gabriel sighed, "It'd be easier to say if I knew we were okay."

Sam gave his ex one of his many bitch-faces.

"Fine. I think we should try to be friends," Gabriel said.

Sam said quickly, "That's not a good idea." Friends would never work with them.

"Why not?" Gabriel asked.

Sam started walking ahead of Gabriel, which wasn't hard with his long stride.

"No, don't just walk away," Gabriel said, "Why can't we be friends?"

"We have too much history, Gabriel. It'd be way too hard," Sam tried. He didn't want to mention that being just friends never worked for them in the past.

"Too hard to even try?" Gabriel asked. Sam realized how much his words hurt Gabriel from the somber tone of his voice.

"That's not what I meant," Sam said, "I didn't-" He really didn't want to hurt Gabriel again. He could at least try to be friends, right? Maybe it was worth the risk.

"Okay," Sam said, "We can try to be friends." This definitely wouldn't work, not when Gabriel kept looking at him with those bright amber eyes like Sam was better than he really was.

As they approached the hospital, Gabriel said, "Before we go about being friends, I don't want any false pretenses. I still have feelings for you."

Sam stopped in his tracks. If Sam didn't acutely remember why they broke up in the first place, he would've kissed Gabriel right then and there. Instead, all he could reply with was a hesitant and conflicted, "Gabe..."

Gabe's eyes studied Sam's face. "You haven't called me Gabe in forever," he said.

Sam hadn't entirely meant to call him Gabe just then either. He didn't have time for this.

"Just friends," Sam said, "That's all you want from me, right? Nothing more?"

Gabe nodded.

"Okay," Sam said.

They walked inside to be immediately rushed at by Charlie.

"Where's Cas?" she asked.

"Dunno," Sam said, "Just got here."

"Where the fuck is he?" Charlie muttered.

Cas came out of the restroom to their right. His face was drawn, and Sam had never quite seen his friend's eyes so red.

"What's going on?" Cas asked.

"Dean's awake," Charlie said quickly.

Cas rushed down the hall towards Dean's room. They followed but at slower pace to give Cas some time.

"It was freaking crazy," Charlie said, "He started opening his eyes, so I called a doctor in and went to go find Cas. And the guy was nowhere to be found! Cas hasn't let me have two seconds to breathe in the last few days and when I needed him, he was in the flippin' bathroom."

Sam said, "At least Dean's okay."

Charlie stopped at the waiting room where Dorothy was reading a book. "Let me know when you guys are done," she said, plopping down next to her wife, seemingly exhausted.

Gabriel said, "Good idea," and stayed behind while Sam went to see his brother.


	11. You Are Someone Else

Dean. Dean was awake. He was okay. Once they got to Dean's hospital room, Cas felt air come back into the room for the first time in days.

"Dean," Cas said from the doorway, he couldn't keep the smile from his face. The look in Dean's eyes made Cas realize something was wrong. Something was very wrong. Dean didn't look pleased to see Cas, he didn't look anything. He stared at Cas with the blank, withdrawn stare Dean used to give him back in college before...well before anything. Dean just looked at him. Dean never just looked. He'd smile or he'd stare or he'd gaze. He never just looked at Cas. It was always more intimate. Always. Fuck.

"Hi?" Dean said, clearly confused. He didn't recognize him. The love that was always in Dean's eyes was just not there anymore.

And just like that, the oxygen left, and Cas walked out of the room as fast as his feet could carry him. Dean didn't remember him. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't think. He backed up against the wall opposite Dean's room and just tried to calm down.

There was no calming down from this.

Sam looked at Cas, but Cas just shook his head. This couldn't be happening. Everything that they'd been through. It'd taken Dean so long to deal with his feelings. Cas was more afraid of what was in that room than anything he'd ever been afraid of. If he told Dean they were engaged, what would happen? Dean would probably laugh or freak out. This was not okay. This was not in any way okay.

Sam asked Cas, "What? What happened? You were in the room for half a second."

"He doesn't-" Cas said, gasping from what felt like a panic attack, "He doesn't remember me."

Sam hugged him, but Cas barely felt anything. His head was spinning. He couldn't think straight.

"I'll talk to him," Sam said, "I'm sure he's disoriented. It'll be okay, Cas."

Cas released Sam and tried his best not to collapse in the hallway. Sam was right. Dean was just disoriented. He got shot in the head. He was lucky to be alive. Priorities, right?

Sam grabbed Cas' hand and led him back towards Dean's room.

"Hey," Sam said to Dean as they walked in.

Dean grinned, "Heya, Sammy."

Cas still couldn't breathe. Dean kept looking at him with this confused expression that Cas knew only too well. How many times had he watched Dean in class or in the Roadhouse? How many times had Dean looked back at him just like this, wondering who the hell he was and why he was looking at him? How many times did Cas' heart break because Dean wouldn't give him the time of day? How many times did Cas cry himself to sleep in Balthazar's dorm room wishing he'd finally have the nerve to talk to that perfect man with the bright green eyes? He'd lost count and for good reason. How many nights had that look haunted his thoughts because he knew exactly what it meant? It meant that they weren't in love, they weren't best friends, they weren't acquaintances, nothing but strangers.

Six years. Six years erased just like that. Oh God.

"How you feeling?" Sam asked.

Dean shrugged, "Well, they told me I got shot, so considering that, I'm not too shabby." He paused and stared at Sam. "What happened to your hair?" he asked.

Sam paled and Cas was going to vomit. Yeah, disorientation was not a possibility.

"Dean, what's the last thing you remember?" Sam asked quietly.

Dean sighed and rubbed at his eyes for a minute. "I just told you that we can't keep a dog in the apartment," he said, "'Cause Dorothy's allergic, and the girls are more important than a dog."

Cas felt like he was going to black out at any moment.

"Dean, I don't know how to tell you this, but that was nine years ago," Sam said quietly.

Dean grinned at Sam's joke but slowly sobered as he saw how serious Sam was being.

"What?" Dean asked, "What, have I been in a coma for nine years? How could you possibly-"

"You were shot in the head, Dean," Cas said quietly, "You seem to have amnesia."

"My memory is fine. And who the hell are you to be telling me I can't remember the last nine years? I don't even know you. Sam, cut it out. This was a nice trick, but come on," Dean snapped.

Cas took a deep breath. He wasn't going to pass out. Not in front of Dean when he was being such an ass. It didn't matter what he was going through. He needed to be there for Dean.

"You really don't recognize him?" Sam asked.

Dean shot a scrutinizing glance at Cas that made him feel as naked and vulnerable as the first time Dean kissed him. Dean shook his head and winced slightly at the motion. Sam looked at Cas full with sympathy. It was almost too much for him.

"Alright, Dean, why is my hair longer than you remember? Better yet, why are you wearing a wedding ring?" Sam challenged.

Dean looked at his hand and looked up at Sam with wide, scared eyes.

"It's okay," Sam said, "Memories come back. It's okay. We're here for you. Ask us anything, and we'll fill you in."

Cas was torn between admiration for Sam's damage control and wanting to punch Sam in the face for mentioning the wedding ring. He knew Dean. He knew Dean wouldn't react well to being engaged to a guy. This being back to square one business was really not okay. Cas was barely able to focus on what Sam said from just trying not to cry. In Dean's head, Cas was a stranger. Not his family, not his friend, not his anything, and that was unbearable.

"Amnesia," Dean said quietly, "Okay. Who am I married to?"

Cas swallowed his breaking sanity and said, "You're not married. At least not yet. Just engaged. The wedding...the wedding was supposed to be next month. It's been postponed indefinitely, don't worry."

"Indefinitely?" Sam asked, shocked.

Cas shot a glance at Sam to silence him and focused his attention on Dean, trying to keep all emotion from his face.

"Yeah, that doesn't answer my question. Who? Who am I engaged to? Kind of important to know," Dean said.

Sam glanced at Cas, and Cas shook his head. He steeled himself as much as he could. Dean was going to openly reject him. He was going to toss him aside without a second thought because he was male. Great.

He willed himself to feel nothing as he told Dean, "Me."

Dean visibly forced himself not to react. His jaw clenched as he swallowed the information. He looked at Sam, and Sam nodded.

"You're my fiancé?" Dean asked after a moment.

Cas cleared his throat, still struggling with the concept of breathing, and said, "Yes."

Dean seemed to think about his response for a bit, which was definitely a first. "I'm sorry," he said, "I don't even know your name. How did we...? God, I'm sorry. I wish I-"

"It's okay. Like Sam said, we'll answer any questions you have. Just ask," Cas said quickly.

Sam got up and said, "I should probably tell a doctor about the memory loss. You guys need to talk anyway." Once Sam left, it got uncomfortably silent quickly.

"Engaged. Shit. Well, how did we meet?" Dean asked.

Cas covered his heartbreak with a small grin, "We took a class together, but really you got ridiculously drunk one night, and I took you home."

Dean grinned and said, "Not surprised. So, umm, how did I propose to you?"

Cas couldn't think about that, but he couldn't help it. He supposed Dean didn't know or think about how much pain he was causing Cas by asking these questions.

"You proposed to me in a rather compromising situation that may make you uncomfortable to hear," Cas answered.

Dean's eyes widened slightly, but that was all the reaction the green-eyed man would allow.

The room ached with silence again. Cas didn't know what Dean would be comfortable hearing or what he wanted to know. Dean just kept glancing from Cas to the ring on his finger until finally he closed his eyes and laid his head back gingerly. Cas tried not to study his face. How could any of this be happening? He just wanted Dean to say something, anything, that would show Cas that he was remembered even a little or loved at all.

"Okay, I have to ask this," Dean said after a moment, "How did we—I mean I'm not—when did I start—you're a guy, and I don't—"

Cas glanced at his hands in his lap. He couldn't handle this. But he needed to handle it. For Dean.

Cas managed to answer, "You're not gay. You're not even bisexual."

"Then, what—"

"You made an exception for me," Cas explained.

Dean nodded slowly and asked, "What's your name, again?"

That drove a spike through whatever shred of sanity Cas had left. He swallowed and wished for Sam to come back. This was slightly easier to deal with when he didn't have to talk.

Cas said slowly, "My name is Cas." Thankfully, his voice did not crack at all. It was much harder to speak when actively trying not to cry.

"Cas," Dean said, "I don't even know what to say. I'm sorry. I know what it means to me to consider marrying someone, so I am really sorry. This is a lot to take in."

"I understand," Cas said, trying desperately not to let any pain seep into his voice. Regardless of the fact that Dean didn't know him, if Dean suspected he'd caused someone else pain, he'd blame himself and beat himself up with the self-loathing that Cas had spent the better part of six years trying to destroy.

Quickly, Sam walked back into the room with a doctor on his heels.

"Your brother tells me that you're experiencing some memory loss," the doctor said, approaching Dean's bed.

Sam pulled Cas' sleeve and nodded towards the hallway.

Cas followed him, protesting quietly by saying, "Maybe we should be hearing what the doctor is saying—"

"Indefinitely?" Sam asked, "So, now, you aren't marrying my brother? Cas, this situation sucks but—"

"Sam, Dean doesn't remember me, you can't expect him to be comfortable getting married to someone he doesn't know."

"But memory loss can be temporary."

"And if it's temporary, we can continue with wedding plans, but until then, I don't even know if Dean and I are even together."

"What? No, I'm sure he—"

"Dean's straight, Sam. He was straight when I met him, and he's straight now. Do you not remember how much prodding it took for him to be remotely okay with the idea of dating me?"

"Cas, I'm sorry," Sam said. He looked at Cas with too much sympathy, and Cas walked back into the hospital room.

"What did I miss?" Cas asked.

The doctor turned to Cas and asked, "Are you family?"

"Well, sort of. I'm his—" Cas started. He didn't quite know what he was to Dean anymore.

Dean helpfully supplied, "He's Sam's friend." It wasn't a surprise, but Cas still found himself forced to examine the floor carefully to keep from yelling.

Sam protested, "Dean, you can't—"

Dean ignored him and told the doctor, "This, however, is my brother, but you can tell either of them anything."

Sam continued to give a horrified look to Dean while the doctor explained, "I have no idea what the nature of the amnesia is. He was shot in the head; it cracked his skull. He's lucky to be alive. We'll just have to see what happens. In the mean time, you should be able to take him home tonight. No strenuous activity, and make sure the stitches stay clean."

Cas really would have preferred a concrete he's-never-going-to-remember-you to the lack of information they had, but he nodded as the doctor left.

Sam looked from Dean to Cas. "Why are you guys so okay with this?" he nearly shouted.

Cas said, "Sam." His tone was full of warning.

Sam shook his head and turned to Dean, "You and him are meant to be together, okay? You might not remember, but you shouldn't just give up on each other."

Dean snapped, "Sam, I don't know this guy from a hole in the ground. You can't expect me to just jump right back into a relationship that as far as I'm concerned never even happened."

Cas looked out the window to avoid letting the brothers see his reaction to that. He couldn't breathe. This couldn't be happening. He wondered if he jumped out the window if the pain of the fall would make his chest hurt less.

"Cas?" Sam said.

Cas shook his head. "Sam, just don't," he said, "I'll take him home tonight, and we'll see if he remembers anything, but if you start pushing for us to be together in spite of how your brother obviously feels about me, so help me—"

"I am still in the room," Dean said, causing the other men to turn towards him, "And I'd feel more comfortable with Sam taking me home later." Cas studied the white tiled drop ceiling carefully to mask his internal screaming.

Sam's jaw dropped. "Dean, Cas lives with you. I can go with you guys, but he lives there. He should really be the one to take you," he protested.

Dean's jaw clenched. Cas just wanted to wake up. How hard was it to just wake up? This wasn't happening.

Cas locked eyes with Dean and asked, "Would it make you uncomfortable if I continued living with you?"

Dean nodded slowly, his eyes drifting away from Cas' gaze.

"Dean," Sam admonished.

"What?" Dean defended.

"Awesome," Cas muttered. He walked out into the hallway and pulled out his phone. Flipping through his contacts, he knew he only wanted to be with Dean. Then again, the last time Dean had kicked him out, Cas wound up getting mugged. But he wouldn't be able to live with any of the friends he had on his phone.

Sam joined Cas in the hall.

"You can't let him do this," Sam said.

Cas stared daggers at Sam, "I'm not letting him do anything. I don't want to make my ex-fiancé uncomfortable. His adverseness to me will probably hinder his ability to regain memory anyway."

"Don't move out, Cas," Sam said.

Cas sighed, frustrated.

Sam pressed, "Dean needs you. He just doesn't know it."

"I'm not going to force myself on someone who doesn't even know me," Cas said. Sam pursed his lips in a bitch face that Cas really did not need right then.

"Fine," Sam said finally, "Move in with me."

Cas stared at Sam in confusion. This was too much. This was way too much for one day.

"Why?" Cas asked.

Sam said quickly, "I remember how you are when you're not around Dean. You don't go to live with other people, you stay on the street. You don't eat nearly as often as you should. He needs you, but you need him, too. We're family, you're my brother in all the ways that count, and you don't leave family in the dust when they need you. I'm here for you."

This was just too much. Cas hugged Sam and started crying. He really needed support through this. And Sam was right. He needed a place to stay, and he was going to need all the help he could get.

Sam returned Cas' hug and rubbed his back in a soothing gesture.

"Thank you, Sam," Cas said quietly, voice thick with tears. Sam nodded and pulled away.

"I can pick up some of your things when I take Dean home later," Sam offered.

Cas shook his head, "Don't worry about it. Maybe my stuff being there will help him remember."

Sam glanced back in the hospital room. "I'm so sorry about all this, Cas," he said.

Cas didn't deserve such a good friend as Sam.

"Me, too," Cas said.

Sam put a hand on Cas' shoulder and said, "Meet me by the car, okay? I'll tell Dean what's going on."

Cas sighed, "I'll tell him. You can get the car."

Sam looked at Cas worriedly but obliged.

Cas walked back into Dean's hospital room.

Dean looked at Cas apologetically, but Cas shook his head at him. "Sam is taking me to his place. You won't have to deal with my presence any longer than necessary," he said.

"Cas—" Dean tried.

"I just wanted to tell you I loved you and this isn't your fault," Cas said quickly, knowing his composure wouldn't last much longer. He met Dean's bright green guilt ridden eyes and said with a pained smile, "I'll miss you."


	12. Say Something

Gabriel leaned against the wall in the hallway while Charlie sat in the hospital room with Dean. He wanted to see his friend, and he was very glad that Dean was okay, but he'd heard from the usual suspects that Dean would probably not remember him. So, he stayed in the hallway. His presence would confuse Dean, and Dean was not a pleasant person when confused or frustrated. It sucked that he lost his friend, but he wasn't exactly family. He couldn't begin to imagine how Cas felt. He would definitely be keeping an eye on Cas to make sure he'd be okay. At least Dean remembered Sam and the girls.

"How come you aren't in there?" Sam asked.

Gabriel jumped at Sam's sudden appearance. The way Gabe's heart thudded painfully in his chest, the last two years might as well not have happened. It wasn't the right time to have that sort of emotional response to his ex.

Gabe recovered himself. "If he doesn't know Cas," he said, "Then, he definitely doesn't know me. Why frustrate him more?"

Sam gave Gabe a concerned look.

"I don't mind," Gabe said quickly, "I'm fine." It wasn't exactly the first time he'd been forgotten anyway.

"Are you sure? I could introduce you, and you guys could start over until he gets his head back together-" Sam started.

"No, it's okay. If he remembers me, great, but I don't wanna stress the guy out," Gabe said. It wasn't the first time he'd lost a best friend either.

Sam sighed, "If you're sure..."

"I'm actually gonna head home soon. Go see your brother," Gabe said.

Sam put a hand on Gabe's shoulder. He knew it was a sympathetic gesture, but it was also the first physical contact they'd had since they were together. Gabe knew better than to get his hopes up, but the touch still meant something.

Sam went into Dean's room, and Charlie came out. She almost walked into Gabriel.

"Hey, Gabriel." Charlie said, "I'm glad you're here. How've you been?"

"Eh, same old, same old," Gabriel replied, hiding how out of place he felt with an easy grin.

"After all this blows over, you should definitely come over more," Charlie said, hugging Gabriel tightly.

Gabriel returned the hug and nodded his agreement, though he doubted he'd visit more often than he already did. Charlie and Dorothy were fighting a lot lately from what he heard, and he'd had enough relationship drama to deal with as it was. Between Sam, Cas, and Adam, he had enough pain to process and help with. That's really all he was good for these days, picking up the shattered pieces of his friends and putting them back together. He wondered if Adam was home yet and if he'd found the case of beer he'd stuck in the fridge earlier...who was he kidding? He just hoped Adam left him one.

"I'll see you around," Charlie said, releasing him, "I'm gonna take Dorothy to go get some dinner."

Gabriel couldn't help himself. "How've you guys been doing?" he asked.

Charlie smiled, but there was something eating at her, he could tell.

"We're okay. Just some insurance bullshit causing some stress. No big deal," Charlie said.

Gabriel asked, "Insurance bullshit?"

Charlie's smile faltered, showing much more worry than he'd been expecting. "Don't tell the others, but Dorothy's medication isn't working anymore," she said, "She developed a tolerance to it. There's another prescription we can try, but it's crazy expensive and our insurance is... It's not a big deal, she'll be fine. It'll just make the others worry, and they have enough going on."

Gabriel asked, "Are you sure she'll be okay? If HIV goes untreated for too long-"

"She'll be fine," Charlie cut him off, "We've dealt with insurance shit like this before. It's stressful right now, but we'll figure it out like we always do. Don't worry."

Gabriel gave her a smile and said, "Okay, well, go have a good dinner."

She waved goodbye to Gabriel and headed off to the waiting room.

He leaned his head against the wall and regretted asking about Charlie and Dorothy in the first place. Gabriel really should've just gone home. He didn't belong there.

He turned towards Dean's room to wave goodbye to Sam when he heard his ex talking to Dean.

"I think you should give Cas a chance, Dean," Sam said.

"I don't know him," Dean said quickly, "I don't know who he is, what he's like. He's a complete stranger, and you want me to what? Date him?"

Sam sighed, "No, I get that you don't remember him, but that's why you should just spend some time with him. Maybe get to know him a bit. It might help you jog your memory."

Gabe could practically hear the look of frustrated annoyance Sam was getting.

"I'll think about it," Dean said tightly, "But don't hold your breath."

"He loves you, Dean. He knows you better than anyone. He could really help," Sam pressed.

"Sam," Dean said with warning.

"I'm just saying, just because you don't think it'll work doesn't mean you should just give up on him," Sam said.

Gabe closed his eyes and pressed his forehead against the wall. He really wished Sam would take his own advice. He shouldn't have been listening to Sam and Dean talking.

"Maybe this is for the best," Dean said.

"No, it's not," Sam said, "If you've never been happier with anyone else, you know he cares, and you aren't willing to even consider trying to start over, it is not for the best."

Gabe wanted to punch something. How could Sam say that to Dean and not believe it himself?

Dean sighed, "I'll try to keep an open mind, okay?"

Gabriel pushed away from the wall and walked towards the main entrance of the hospital. Sam's words gave him hope, and that was more dangerous than anything. Sam emerged from the room with Dean, and they headed for the reception desk presumably to check out. Maybe Gabe could talk to Sam. Maybe he could mention how right Sam was that second chances and not giving up were the best options. Maybe...maybe he could stop pressuring Sam when it clearly wasn't the right time.

Gabriel watched as Dean talked to the receptionist while standing obliviously right next to Garth.

Quickly, Gabriel went over to Garth, seeing as the scrawny man seemed to want to talk to Dean, and pulled him to the side. "Dean doesn't remember the last nine years," he said, "Brace yourself."

Garth looked from him to Dean, shocked.

"Well, he did get shot in the head. Shouldn't be too surprised," Garth said. Dean turned around at the mention of the gunshot.

"Do I know you?" Dean asked.

Garth tried to smile to dispel any awkwardness, but his forced cheer seemed to make everything more awkward. "I'm your partner," he said, "I'm working on your case. Got a few leads I'm gonna check out."

"Partner?" Dean asked.

"You're a cop," Gabriel supplied.

"Oh, cool. I wanted to be a cop," Dean said, "Am I supposed to know you, too?"

Gabriel shook his head. "Don't worry about it," he said, "I'm nobody important."

Sam gave Gabe a thoroughly concerned look. He was honestly a little surprised that Sam even cared. It was getting late, though. If he delayed too much, he was going to come home to more of a wreck than Adam usually was.

"See you guys around," Gabriel said.

As he left the hospital, he saw Sam walking with Dean to the Impala. Sam looked over at Gabe, and Gabe knew he had to leave. He missed those hazel eyes on him, but it was the wrong time. Wrong time, wrong place, wrong everything. Like always. Gabriel slowly made his way home alone.


	13. I'm Giving Up On You

His key hit the lock, but it didn't feel familiar. He fumbled, he nearly missed the keyhole. But Sam was there, encouraging him that this was his home. It didn't feel like it. Not at all.

Dean opened the door into the weirdest room he'd ever seen. It was clean, but it felt lived in. He'd never seen this room before, but his stuff was in it. He recognized his table, his bookshelf, his TV. He walked inside and saw pictures of himself on the shelves.

Sam hung back.

That was probably a good thing.

There were a bunch of pictures of Dean smiling, Dean laughing, Dean hugging somebody. The guy from the hospital. Cas, was it? There was a picture on the top shelf of Dean kissing Cas. He felt dizzy for a moment and quickly flipped the picture around. He couldn't look at that. God, he'd been engaged. Christ. Shit.

He remembered to breathe and saw Sam staring at him.

"Don't look at me like that, man. You know this is some heady shit," Dean said.

"I can't even imagine what you-" Sam started.

Dean shot him a look.

"Right," Sam said, "No chick flick moments. I got it. I'll tell you whatever you want to know."

Dean walked over to the first bedroom. Empty. Just a dresser and a bed. Weird. The second was completely bare. Absolutely nothing but blank walls and clean carpet.

Sam opened the third door for him.

"What's with the empty rooms?" Dean asked as he walked into what appeared to be his bedroom. He sat on the bed. At least it was comfortable. Memory foam. Ironic given the circumstances.

Sam answered, "We all bought this place your last year of college. Charlie and Dorothy had the room with nothing in it. When they moved out, you, me, and Cas scrubbed the hell out of it. Disinfected everything. I don't know what they did in there, but we made sure that room was sterile."

"Why did they leave? Why did we clean it like that?" Dean asked. This was seriously getting frustrating.

Sam sat next to Dean on the bed. "They left when they got married. They wanted some space. They only live a few blocks away, but they wanted to be on their own," he said, "As for the cleaning, at first I thought you were being crazy because Dorothy has HIV, but-"

"Dorothy has HIV?" Dean asked, startled, "What the hell? How did that even happen? Is Charlie okay?"

Sam gaged Dean's panic and explained, "Yeah, but it's manageable. Charlie's fine. I don't know how she got it...that's a really good question actually..."

Sam shook his head. "Anyway," he said, "We cleaned the room because Cas was talking about getting a pool table and you didn't want to play in the room where they'd had sex. Something about not wanting to think about it."

"Well, I still don't want to think about it," Dean said. He had to fight the urge to visibly shudder. They were like his sisters. He couldn't think about...no. Just no.

"How come we never got a pool table in there?" Dean asked.

Sam shrugged, "Dunno. You'll have to ask Cas. I wasn't here when that all fell through."

Cas. Dean's thoughts snagged around that name. There was a lot history there that he didn't know anything about. He felt awful. He wished he could remember something. The guy seemed nice enough. But it was so freaking weird.

"Yeah, fat chance of that. I don't know if I...why weren't you here? Why's your room empty, too?" Dean asked.

Sam sighed, "I moved out. I was cramping your style anyway."

"Sam," Dean said, "What aren't you telling me?"

Sam looked down. "Nothing important," he said, "Don't worry about it."

"Sam."

Sam looked at Dean with a look that shook Dean to the core. His brother's eyes looked so hollow, Dean could barely look at him.

"Dean," Sam said evenly, "When I was here, I lived here with my ex. I'd really like to not talk about it."

"Luci lived here?" Dean asked, "Glad you broke up. That dude was an ass, but he lived here? Like every day? That's nasty."

Sam gave him a patient smile.

"No, he didn't," Sam said, "Different ex. Luci and I split six years ago. Do you have anything not about me that you wanna ask about?"

"What happened with you and Luci?"

"Dean, that's still about me."

"I want to know."

Sam glanced away, looking at his hands. "We just broke up," he said, "We grew apart, we wanted different things. We just died. No big deal."

Dean nodded. He knew about relationships just running their course like with Cassie. But he still got the feeling that Sam was leaving stuff out. He didn't exactly want to pry, though. It seemed like this was stuff that hurt Sam to talk about. Maybe he'd ask Charlie.

"So, what about your other ex? I can't believe that I missed a whole relationship," Dean said.

Sam stared at him. "I really don't want to talk about it," he said.

"C'mon, Sam. I'm trying to catch up on the last nine years," Dean said.

Sam shook his head and got up from the bed, aggravated. "Then ask Charlie or Dorothy or Cas or anyone else. There are some things that I just can't talk about," he said.

"I just want to remember," Dean said. He didn't want to be an ass to Sam, but he'd missed so much. Anything and everything was necessary information.

"Truth or truth?" Dean asked.

Sam shot him a look. After the Jalapeño Eye Wash Incident in 2002, they'd decided to never attempt dares again.

"You haven't tried to pump me for info with 'truth or truth' since high school," Sam argued.

"Well, it got you talking back then," Dean replied.

Sam sighed, "Fine. Fine, I'll answer. But only if I get to ask you some stuff, too. Not truth or truth, just answering honestly. Deal?"

"Sure," Dean said, though he honestly didn't know what Sam could possibly think that Dean knew the answers to.

"His name was Gabriel. He was Cas' friend. He helped me out. He's a good guy. We dated for four years," Sam said, "We lived here. And...and I fucked it up."

Dean watched Sam start to lose his composure.

Sam took a deep breath, trying and failing to collect himself, but he continued anyway, "He was the love of my life. I can't even explain it. He was so caring, so wonderful. I pushed him away. I didn't want to hurt him. I knew I would, and he meant too much to me for me to just-I loved him. And he...he knew I was holding back. He knew something was wrong and we fought. We fought so much. He just wanted me to be-but I-" Sam stopped and closed his eyes.

Dean watched his brother slowly calm himself and shut down his feelings, and it was the most painful thing he'd ever seen.

Slowly, Sam sat back down and said, "He left. I asked him to leave and he did. He moved back in with his family. And I moved out shortly after. Needed to start fresh, you know? Didn't see him again until recently."

"What was recently?" Dean asked.

Sam sighed, "You wanted to know if you could invite Gabriel to the wedding and if we'd get along, so you wanted us all to meet up. Let's just say it didn't go very well."

"I asked you to see your ex again after two years? I asked you to see the guy that you're hurting over? I...I'm so sorry, Sam. I shouldn't have...I would've never..." Dean said.

Dean hugged Sam, which Sam reluctantly reciprocated.

"I'm sorry," Dean said again. Sam slowly pried Dean off of him.

"It's okay," Sam said, "You didn't really know how bad I...it's okay. Gabriel was...is...your friend and Cas' friend. It would've been unfair for me to keep him from your wedding."

Dean looked away. So, he had another friend he forgot. Great. Again, the thought of Cas made his stomach churn.

"Now, my question," Sam said.

Dean braced himself.

"Are you going to talk to Cas?"

Dean looked at his hands, at where that engagement ring used to be. "I dunno, Sammy," he said quietly, "Part of me wants to, because he would probably know more about my last nine years than anyone, right? But I don't even remember when I met him. I don't remember when I decided I was gay or bi or whatever. I don't remember anything about him. How is that fair to him? I...I don't know. It'd probably be easier to just move on, you know?"

"Dean, now that's not fair to him."

"I'm not the same guy he fell for. I'm not even the same guy he met. Maybe if I could remember something about him, I'd consider it, but he's practically a stranger to me. And I'm just some guy who looks like his fiancé. I'm just a ghost to him, and he's nothing to me."

"Try," Sam said, "Try to talk to him, to be around him for a bit. Maybe he'd help you jog your memory."

Yeah, maybe.

"I'll think about it," Dean said. It was the only concession he could give.

Sam nodded and stood up. "Well, I gotta get going," he said, "Work in the morning and all."

Dean got up, not liking the idea of being in this strange place by himself. "You'll come by tomorrow, right?" he asked.

Sam nodded, "Sure thing. Or I'll send Charlie. She's worried sick about you, you know."

Yeah, seeing Charlie was going to be interesting. The last time Dean remembered seeing Charlie, she was gushing about LARPing and anime and how her new friend might be more than just a friend...who she was apparently now married to.

Sam opened the door and said, "See you tomorrow."

Dean nodded and shut the door behind him. The apartment was very big and very quiet for just one person. He walked to the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. It wasn't well stocked, but there was bacon. Good. Something to look forward to in the morning. He opened the cabinets one by one, trying to remember something, but it did nothing but make him feel sick. There were two mugs and two wine glasses. In another cabinet, there were plates he'd never seen and cups he'd never used. It was a bit too much for him.

He walked over to the television just to have something familiar. He turned on the Xbox and opened Netflix. Maybe he could watch Doctor Who or something. The screen asked who was watching : Dean or Cas. Well, that was new. The service had probably changed a lot in the last nine years. For a moment, he was tempted to look at Cas' Netflix. You could tell a lot about somebody from what they watched.

As he clicked Cas' icon, the screen said, "An error has occurred. This account is currently in use on another device."

Dean shut off the Xbox and TV quickly. Somewhere his fiancé that he couldn't remember was watching something on Netflix, and that was something that Dean didn't want to know. He didn't want to know what Cas was doing. He didn't want to picture that man with the black hair and blue eyes. He didn't want to think about Cas at all.

Dean walked to his room and noticed for the first time the two pillows on the bed. Of course they shared a bed. It only made sense. He crossed to the closet. The two sides were clearly divided. Quickly, he went to the dresser; two drawers of underwear and socks, two drawers of pants. This was clearly not his room, it was their room. Something in the top drawer caught Dean's eye. He pulled it out and saw it was a bottle of lube.

And that's when the world started spinning. He'd had sex with a guy, and he couldn't even remember. He dropped the bottle, shut the closet, slammed the drawers, and threw one of the pillows at the door. He flung himself on the bed and buried his face in the remaining pillow. It must've been Cas', because it certainly didn't smell like him.

He was tempted to throw it off the bed, but this new smell was sort of nice. It was calming. Maybe there was a part of him that remembered. He flipped on his back and pulled out a phone he didn't recognize. The background image was Cas leaning up against his Impala.

As far as he could remember, he was still working on Rufus to order an exhaust pipe so he could keep fixing up that car. He tried not to linger on Cas' face for too long. Still way too weird. He flipped open the contacts, still swathed in the comforting smell from the pillow.

Slowly, he scrolled through names he didn't know until he hit "Cas-Home." Sam desperately wanted them to talk, and he seemed happy enough in the pictures littered throughout the apartment. But Cas' Dean was dead. Wouldn't it be better to let the guy mourn? He put away the phone and rolled onto his side.

There was something on the floor, some paper crumpled next to the dresser. Dean almost didn't want to grab it. It was probably his vows or something else incredibly painful and Cas-centered.

But he grabbed it.

It was a note. It read, "We're out of milk. Went to get some. Love you." He recognized his handwriting and dropped the note in the trash. There was no end to the evidence of his relationship with Cas.

He flipped back on his back, and his phone beeped. He must've pressed something accidentally.

His screen asked, "Send message?" He hit cancel and read the text. It was to Cas, of course. "I'm sorry. We aren't temporary. I know that. I'll be home soon. I love you."

Dean closed his eyes and fought the urge to throw his phone across the room. He left the text as it was, saved as a draft but still unsent. Maybe eventually, he'd work up the courage to read their text history. At least then he'd have some clues about their relationship. But not now. This was too much. And Dean realized he was wrong when he said Cas was nothing to him. Cas was a ghost. The things left behind were a constant reminder of what he didn't remember ever having.

And it hurt. Dean was as haunted as Cas looked in the hospital. He only hoped he could let go of a person who might as well have never existed.


	14. What Have I Become

Gabriel walked towards his apartment. He didn't want to get home and find Adam passed out drunk on the couch. He didn't want to pick up the pieces of his brother's mess. He didn't want to carry Adam to the bedroom so when he woke up hung over, he'd at least be comfortable. He didn't want to check his apartment for vomit in random corners, because Adam was inconsistent. All he wanted was to walk in the door, see Sam sitting there waiting for him, and telling him that everything was going to be okay. He felt like he was falling apart at the seams.

Gabriel's key hit the lock and he almost didn't want to turn it.

Once he got inside, he called, "Adam, you up?"

Silence met him.

Gabriel kicked off his shoes and headed to the kitchen. He dropped his keys and hoped Adam was passed out on the couch. It had been a while since he used his own bed.

Opening the fridge, Gabriel saw the one remaining beer and sighed. "Thanks, Adam," he muttered, "I didn't buy the beer for me or anything."

He closed the fridge, leaving the beer inside, and walked over to the couch. Adam wasn't on it. Quickly, Gabriel went over to his room. His bed was empty as well. Adam wouldn't have crashed in the spare room. Still, he checked there, too. Adam wasn't in the apartment.

Before he could even begin to comprehend how to find a drunk Adam in the city at night, his phone rang.

"Hey, asshole," Gabriel answered.

"I need your help," Michael said.

"Yeah, that's likely," Gabriel said, "You don't even like me."

Michael said quickly, "Adam's here. He's drunk, and I need you to get him."

Gabriel laughed, "You can't be serious. He's your ex, Michael. Deal with your own problems."

"He's a mess. He really needs you."

"He needs you, dipshit, not me. Clean up your own mess."

"Just get here," Michael said, "Please."

The line went dead.

Gabriel clenched his fist. Michael hung up on him. It wasn't the first time, but it still stung. And he'd expect Gabriel to go pick up Adam. He wanted to ignore his request on principle alone. On the other hand, no one else would take care of Adam. Dammit.

When Gabriel got his shoes on and went back outside, he wished Sam would show up and make all of this easier.

Not even two steps out the door, it started to rain. Great.

By the time Gabriel got to Michael's, he was used to the not so little fall of rain and thoroughly soaked. And so was Adam.

"What are you doing out here?" Gabriel asked, rushing over to where Adam was huddled on Michael's front steps, "It's pouring. Why aren't you inside?"

Adam mumbled something unintelligible. Gabriel took off his jacket and wrapped it around Adam's shoulders.

"C'mon," Gabriel said, "Let's get you up." Adam helped very little to get on his feet. Gabriel got him to the overhang in front of Michael's door where it was dry.

"I'm going to have a talk with my brother. Stay here," Gabriel said.

His soaking wet friend slurred, "M sorry. I jus, I just had to see im."

"It's okay," Gabriel said, kneeling next to where Adam was slumped against the building, "It's gonna be okay. I'll be right back."

Gabriel stood and slapped his palm flat on the door three loud times. "Michael, it's me. Open up," he called.

Slowly, the door opened. Gabriel glanced at Adam. There was no way he trusted Michael around him. Gabriel slipped inside leaving Adam under the overhang.

"Why in the ever loving hell would you leave that poor kid out in the rain like this?" Gabriel snapped.

Michael looked at him with his big, blue eyes like it would make everything okay. "He's drunk, he was belligerent. I didn't know what he'd do-" he said.

"He drinks because of you, you dickwad," Gabriel said, "You need to talk to him."

"I don't know what he wants from me," Michael said quietly.

Gabriel pushed into Michael's personal space and caught his wide eyed gaze, "Answers, Michael! He wants answers! Do you have any idea how it feels to lose the one person you love without any explanation? 'Cause it sucks big time."

"I've lost people," Michael said defensively.

"You hated Dad," Gabriel said, "and Adam is right outside waiting for you."

"I lost you," Michael said sternly.

Gabriel smiled to hide his shock. Like Michael ever gave a crap about him.

"Well, you should've thought about that before helping Dad rough me up," Gabriel said, "But this isn't about me. This is about Adam. Why are you doing this?"

"Do you think he'll ever forgive me?" Michael asked slowly.

Gabriel sighed, "You dated the guy for years and told him he'd rot in hell for it, so I'd doubt it. But he still loves you, so what do I know?"

"I can't take him back," Michael said, giving Gabriel a pleading look, "I'm not gay."

"Wow," Gabriel said, "Did Dad fuck you up this badly?"

Michael studied his feet. Holy shit.

"I was pissed, but now I just feel sorry for you," Gabriel said, "Do you really hate yourself so much that you can't even admit the truth, that you can't even talk to Adam?"

"I think you should leave," Michael said.

"I think you should get your head out of your ass," Gabriel said, "There's nothing wrong with you, Michael. When you realize that, come talk to me."

He didn't allow his brother time to respond. He walked outside and helped Adam up again.

"Let's get you home and dry, okay?" Gabriel said softly.

The rain was unforgiving, but they made their way home. About two blocks from the apartment, Gabriel saw two guys in soaked hoodies walking towards them.

Tonight was just not the night for this. Still, he wasn't surprised when they pushed Adam and him up against the nearest building.

"Give me your money," one of the men said.

Gabriel didn't have the patience for this. "Does it look like we have money?" he snapped, "You've gotta pick your target's better."

One of the guys pulled a gun out of his pocket and held it to Gabriel's forehead.

"What'd you say to me, you worthless piece of shit?" the guy with the gun said with clear malice.

Adam tried to mumble something, but Gabriel said, "Do it. Shoot me. It'd only improve my day."

"Dude," the other guy said, "He's not worth it." He was right. Gabriel wasn't worth much, not even the waste of a bullet.

"You watch yourself," the man said. He tucked the gun in the front of his pants and walked away with his friend.

Gabriel pulled one of Adam's arms around his shoulders to help him walk the rest of the way home.

When Gabriel sat Adam on his bed, his friend was already half asleep.

"Did you really tell that guy to shoot you?" Adam asked sleepily.

"I knew he wouldn't do it," Gabriel said, "Now, lay on your side."

Adam did as he was told. Gabriel tugged one of Adam's arms out straight so if he threw up in his sleep, he wouldn't choke on it or drown in it.

"Get some rest," Gabriel said from the doorway. Adam already seemed to be asleep. At least he didn't pass out on the way home.

Gabriel grabbed the last beer from the fridge and sat down on the couch in front of the TV. He pulled out his phone as he took a swig from the bottle. He scrolled to Sam's name in his contacts and stopped. He didn't know that guy wouldn't shoot. He just didn't care. And that scared him. Sam used to keep him away from his family drama. He used to help him care about himself.

Gabe dialed Sam and brought the phone to his ear.

"Hey, you've reached Sam Winchester. Please, leave a message, and I'll get back to you when I can. Thanks."

Voicemail. Of course. Gabe didn't bother leaving a message. Sam's voice still brought him a small amount of relief.

Gabe dropped the phone in his lap. He wanted to tell Sam about Adam and Michael and the gun, everything. He wanted to tell Sam how shitty his day had been. He wanted to tell Sam how much he missed him. Sam had enough going on as it was. He didn't need Gabe dumping on him.

Gabriel turned on the TV and laid down on the couch. He knew he wouldn't be sleeping tonight. Hopefully something good was on that would distract him from his stupid fucking family and his awful life.


	15. Take My Hand

It had only been a day since Dean had woken up and forgotten Cas completely.

"Did you get any sleep?" Sam asked as he entered the kitchen. Cas peered at him through bleary, tired eyes.

"Did you?" Cas countered. He wasn't surprised by the dark circles or the red rimming that accompanied Sam's hazel eyes. He'd heard the screams and sobs all through the night.

Sam glanced at Cas as he slowly made his way around the kitchen. "I didn't keep you up, did I?" he asked.

Cas shook his head. It wasn't like he'd been able to sleep anyway. He couldn't get the stranger Dean had become out of his head. Binge watching episodes of Merlin on Netflix had been a halfway decent distraction. It helped the night pass faster anyway.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Cas asked.

Sam sighed, "It's just nightmares. I'm fine."

Cas doubted that was the case if Sam's cries in the middle of the night were any indication.

As Sam reached for the carton of eggs, he asked, "What would you like for breakfast?"

Cas didn't think he could stomach anything, and the level of weakness he felt wasn't nearly as bad as it could be. He didn't require food to fix it yet, so Cas said, "I'm not very hungry, but I appreciate the offer."

Sam put the eggs on the counter and walked quickly over to the table where he stared down at Cas.

"Cas, you have to eat," Sam said. Cas was afraid to meet his friend's gaze. Sam crouched next to Cas and placed his hand over his friend's.

"I know you're upset," Sam said, "And I know this is hard, but you need to eat."

"People skip breakfast all the time," Cas replied. Sam's hand was warm compared to his. Part of Cas craved the comfort and the contact, but it all just reminded him of Dean. Cas removed his hand from Sam's grasp. Sam was not Dean, and Cas would do well to remember that.

Sam said, "If it was only skipping breakfast, I'd allow it, but I know you, Cas. I'm not letting you starve yourself on my watch. How do you want your eggs?"

Cas sighed, knowing Sam was right, and begrudgingly answered, "Over easy."

Sam gave Cas a sad smile. "It will get easier," he said.

Cas didn't quite believe him.

They didn't talk much during breakfast. Cas kept replaying everything with Dean in the hospital in his head. He could've done more. He could've gone home with Dean regardless of his ex-fiancé's comfort level. He could've tried harder. He could've...he could've not had that fight with Dean.

Sam tried to keep Cas focused on the real world with small talk, trying to figure out what to do with their day, anything that wasn't about Dean. What Sam didn't realize was that everything reminded him of Dean.

They wound up spending the day marathoning Merlin on Netflix. The first few episodes were hard for Cas to focus on as he'd watched them all the night before, but it was new to Sam, so he indulged his friend. The Merlin binge was punctuated by Sam forcing Cas to eat a sandwich at lunch and some pizza for dinner. There was a lot neither of them wanted to say, so they welcomed the sounds of the TV filling the silence.

Cas did nothing but think about Dean. He would've liked the show. He would've called them geeks for watching it, but he would've enjoyed it greatly, especially after seeing how much of the cast had had roles in Doctor Who. There were moments where Cas would relax and slump against Dean only to realize it was Sam, making everything so much worse.

Sam, however, spent the day half watching the show but mostly casting worried glances at his friend.

Cas didn't know when he fell asleep. He also didn't know he fell asleep on Sam's arm. As Cas awoke to realize his arms were tucked up against Sam Winchester's side, he jumped and put distance between them. "I'm sorry," he said, "I didn't mean to-"

"It's fine," Sam said, "You looked like you needed the rest."

Cas nodded groggily and lay back against the arm of the couch, trying to take some comfort in the warm fabric of the armrest.

"You can take the bed if you'd like," Sam offered.

Cas sat up and shook his head. "No, I couldn't-" he started.

Sam sighed, "Cas, go get some sleep."

Cas smiled at his friend with as much gratitude as he could muster. "Thank you, Sam," he said, "You've done so much for me. I don't how to-"

Sam returned Cas' smile. "It's nothing," he said.

Sam pressed play on the next episode of Merlin, and Cas walked over to Sam's bedroom. The room was relatively bare, with just a pile of dirty clothes reigning supreme on the floor near the closet. It felt lived in, but the room was still so foreign. When Cas sat on the bed, it sank beneath him comfortably, but it wasn't his bed. It wasn't his bed back at home where Dean was. Cas lay back on the unfamiliar bed in the unfamiliar room and rolled over, half expecting to see Dean lying next to him, smiling at him, reaching for him so they could fall asleep in each other's arms. When Cas tried to close his eyes, that's exactly what he saw.

And it ripped his heart out.

Cas opened his eyes, looking into the dark room, and never felt so alone in his life. Sleep wasn't going to happen.

He got up and walked back out to where Sam was watching TV. If he couldn't sleep, at least he could have some company in his insomnia.

"What'd I miss?" Cas asked.

Sam paused the episode and looked at Cas, concerned. "Why aren't you trying to sleep?" he asked.

Cas sat down on the edge of the couch. "Can't," he said.

Sam turned to face Cas and asked, "Why not?"

Cas sighed and put his head in his hands. "I can't stop thinking about Dean. I miss him," he said quietly, "I haven't had to sleep by myself in over six years."

Cas felt his eyes well with tears. He blinked them away. He didn't want to break down in front of Sam.

"My nightmares are about Gabriel," Sam said.

Cas looked up at his friend. As much sympathy he felt for Sam, as much worry as he had that Sam had nightmares about his ex, he couldn't stop himself from saying, "At least he remembers you."

Sam went tight lipped for a moment, and Cas immediately regretted his words. "I'm sorry, Sam. I didn't mean to say that," he said.

Sam pulled Cas into a hug.

"It's okay," Sam said against the back of Cas' head. Cas hugged Sam back, clinging to him as angry, pointless tears left trails down his face. He needed to find out more about Sam's nightmares. He needed to be there for his friend. But he was so emotionally spent. He didn't have the energy to help Sam. Sam rubbed Cas' back and let his friend cry. He was just so tired.

Cas felt so exhausted, he barely even heard Sam ask, "Would you be able to sleep if I was in there with you?"

Cas struggled to regain his composure. "What?" he asked.

Sam said, "Well, you slept out here just fine, and you just said you haven't slept alone in a long time."

Cas nodded, understanding. It might help, but Cas wasn't sure. The generosity of Sam Winchester seemingly knew no bounds, but this was Dean's brother. Awkward wouldn't begin to cover sharing a bed with Sam.

"No, it's okay," Cas said, "I shouldn't have said anything. Don't worry about it."

"Do you remember what you said to me when I woke up in the hospital six years ago?" Sam asked.

Cas nodded, his eyes studying the floor. Of course he remembered. He told Sam he cared about him, that he was worth more than he gave himself credit for. And he knew what Sam was getting at; they were best friends.

Sam said, "It meant so much to hear those words from you. It meant so much to know you meant it. That's when I knew you were family, relationship with Dean or not. So, if you need me to sleep next to you so you can get some shut eye, that's exactly what I'll do."

Cas gave Sam a small smile. Sam was his best friend even without his relation to Dean. And Cas really did need some sleep.

"Thank you, Sam," Cas said.

Sam sighed, "If you keep thanking me for doing what family does, it's going to get very old very fast."

Sam got up and waited for Cas to follow him. Cas hesitated. Sam was really too good to him. Family or not, this was a very high form of kindness. Cas got up and followed Sam into the bedroom. Cas lay down on one side of the bed and closed his eyes.

"Goodnight, Cas," Sam said quietly. Cas was too tired to even reply. It turned out, Sam was right. With Sam lying on the other side of the bed, Cas fell asleep in minutes.

It didn't last long, though. About an hour later, Cas woke up to the sounds of Sam whimpering. He rolled over to stare at Sam's back. It seemed like his friend was having a nightmare. But Sam was actually sleeping. The last thing Cas wanted to do was wake him up.

"No," Sam muttered. His shoulder shook, and his hand twitched, making Cas take a closer look at him out of concern.

Sam mumbled something else and his brow furrowed.

When Sam's fist clenched, Cas reached out and touched a hand to Sam's chest. Sam cried out.

"Sam," Cas said, watching his friend warily. He shook Sam gently, and Sam bolted upright gasping.

"Sam, are you okay?" Cas asked. Sam slowly got his breathing under control and nodded to answer Cas' question. Cas continued to watch Sam while he lay back down.

"Nightmare?" Cas asked.

Sam turned to face him, his breath still coming in labored heaves, and nodded. Sam plopped down on his pillow, staring at the ceiling.

"Gabriel?" Cas asked.

Sam nodded again.

"Can I know what your nightmares are about?" Cas asked.

Sam sighed, "I kill him." He turned on his side away from Cas.

Cas laid back and looked at the dark ceiling. He wished there was a way to help Sam, but he didn't know what he could do. Cas flipped on his side and tried to go back to sleep. He was glad he had been able to wake up Sam from his nightmare, but he really wished he wasn't there. He just wanted to go home. Slowly, Cas fell back asleep.

In the morning, Cas woke up again. He felt well rested, comfortable, and happy. He rolled over to see an empty bed and a room that wasn't his. The happy feeling left quickly with the events from the previous few days flooding back to him. Cas curled up on Sam's bed and hugged the pillow he'd used tightly, willing himself not to start crying again. He wanted Dean to call him, to tell him everything was going to be okay, to tell him he remembered him and loved him. The tears came against Cas' will.

Sam walked into the room with a bowl of oatmeal but quickly set it on the bare dresser when he saw Cas was crying.

"Hey, Cas, it's okay," Sam said, putting a hand on Cas' shoulder. Cas shifted away from him. He didn't know why he thought he could do this.

"I can't stay here," Cas said.

"What?" Sam asked, "If this is about last night, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you."

Cas said, "No, no, it's not that. It's just...you're not him. And I can't...thank you for everything, but I can't stay."

Sam nodded and looked at Cas, concerned but also understanding.

Two hours later, Sam drove Cas to Charlie's.


	16. And I'm Saying Goodbye

A full month had passed. It had been a month since Dean had woken up and forgotten a good portion of his life. It had been three days since Sam last saw Cas, and the guy was a wreck. It had been two weeks since Sam last heard from Gabriel. Sam hadn't actually seen him since the hospital, but there was a phone call that Sam had to cut short since he was working at the time.

On this particular day, however, Sam knew he needed to talk. The stress of Dean's amnesia and its effect on Cas added to the stress of his inconvenient feelings for Gabriel and vice versa wore on his mind in a harsh way. Dean and Cas had enough going on, going to Gabriel would just make things complicated and only sort out half the problem, and Charlie and Dorothy had their hands full with Cas, not to mention their own problems.

But Sam knew he needed to talk. He could feel it.

Nervous anxiety wound its way through his stomach, twisting it in knots, when the knock came at the door.

"Hello, Sam," Luci said when Sam opened the door.

"Hey, Luci. Thanks for coming," Sam said, letting his ex into his apartment. He knew it was probably a stupid idea when he called Luci, but their meeting at Starbucks went okay, and Luci knew everyone but wasn't involved in the current situations. It made sense in Sam's head. Still, he locked his apartment in case any of his family decided to stop by. Cas would never forgive him, and Gabe...he didn't want to think about that.

"Nice digs you got here, Sam," Luci said, plopping on the couch, "Small but nice." Sam sat down on the couch but kept as much space between them as possible.

"So, how've you been?" Sam asked.

Luci grinned, "I've been fine. Great after I got your call. But you called me. I take it you wanna talk about something bigger than general small talk."

"I do, actually," Sam said, "But it's...let's catch up first."

"Okay," Luci said, eyeing Sam curiously, "What've you been up to for the last six years?"

Sam said, "I was living with my brother for a while, but I got this place after I split with Gabriel two years ago. I've been working as an assistant to an attorney at a domestic abuse crisis center."

"Oh, honey. Tell me you didn't get that job because of me," Luci said. Sam couldn't tell if there was sympathy or sarcasm in his ex's voice.

Sam sighed, "No, I work there, because I like helping people. I just happen to be able to empathize with the clientele really well."

Luci met Sam's eyes with a solemn expression. "I am really sorry about all that," he said, "You know that, right?"

Sam looked at the floor. "Sure," he said reluctantly.

Luci said, "Really, Sam. I don't know if I'll ever be alright by you again, but I am sorry."

"I can't talk about this right now," Sam said, "What've you been up to all this time?"

Luci sat up a little straighter. "Five years ago, I got a job as a bartender in a club on the south side. Now, I own a couple of clubs on the south side, which are doing fairly well," he said, "And last year, I fully transitioned."

"What? Really?" Sam asked, stunned. The bartender turned businessman thing was kind of impressive, but Luci had never wanted to transition. He enjoyed the option of gender fluidity, especially when he had to deal with his family. This was huge.

"Yeah, I started feeling like something was missing, and it felt like it was the only way I could really be myself, you know?" Luci said.

"I'm proud of you," Sam said, offering Luci a smile.

Luci grinned, "Thanks. I'm still doing hormone replacement therapy, so I guess that's why you didn't notice."

"That makes sense," Sam said, "But you've always been a guy, so I probably wouldn't have noticed anyway."

"That's sweet, Sam," Luci said, smiling.

"It's the truth," Sam said.

Luci, still smiling but less so, said, "I believe there's something you'd like to get off your chest."

Sam nodded and said, "Yeah. Two big things, really. Dean has amnesia, and Gabriel...is complicated. Which do you want first?"

Luci's eyebrows shot up. "Dean has amnesia?" he asked, "How'd that happen?"

"He got shot in the head," Sam explained.

Luci gasped, "What?"

"Yeah," Sam said, "No idea who did it or why, but Dean's a cop, so I wouldn't be surprised if it's related to that."

Luci blinked a few times, shocked, "Wow."

"The worst part is Cas," Sam said.

"Who?" Luci asked.

"Oh, that's right, you never really met him," Sam said, "Cas was Dean's fiancé, but Dean can't remember the last nine years, and that includes Cas. He's taking it really hard."

"I can imagine," Luci said, "Quick question, though. Since when is Dean gay?"

Sam laughed a little and relaxed into his spot on the couch more. "Now, that's complicated," he said.

"Okay, let me get this straight," Luci said, "Dean was going to get married...to a guy, but now he's not, because he doesn't remember his fiancé, because he was shot in the head. Do I have that right?"

Sam nodded.

Luci said, "Wow. That's-wow. Well, what's up with Gabriel? Did he turn straight and join the circus to avenge the survivors of the Holocaust? That's kind of what I'm expecting now."

Sam laughed and shook his head. "No," he said, "Things have just been stressful lately with him."

"Since I missed the entire everything of that relationship, you should just start from the beginning," Luci said.

"Okay," Sam said, "I met him in an alley."

"Sounds like a keeper to me."

"Shut up."

Luci grinned to show he was kidding.

Sam continued, "Anyway, he was friends with Cas, and since I told him about us in the alley, he wanted to help."

Luci gave Sam another apologetic glance. They were still not going to have that conversation.

"So, he helped with the bruising and scarring, and we became friends," Sam said, ignoring the look from Luci, "And a while after you and I broke up, I kissed him."

"So, you didn't cheat on me?" Luci asked skeptically.

Sam shook his head. "I had feelings for him, but I never acted on them while I was dating you," he said.

"Thank you. I-that means a lot," Luci said, "Anyway, you guys started dating. What then?"

Sam said, "Well, we didn't start dating until after I tried to kill myself, but when we did start dating-"

"You tried to kill yourself?" Luci interrupted, horribly shocked.

"Yeah," Sam said, reddening, "I was really messed up. I'm fine now."

"Was it because of me?" Luci asked.

"Would you believe me if I said no?"

"Probably not."

"So, eventually Gabriel and I started dating," Sam continued, "And it was great. He's great. We were really happy, you know? We were living with Dean and Cas and Charlie and Dorothy. It was nice just being surrounded by family. If I had a bad day, he was there for me. We went out on dates a few times. I even got him to skate with me at Millennium Park, which was hilarious since he hates skating so much and-"

Sam stopped short and looked at Luci.

Luci was grinning at him and almost outright laughing.

"What?" Sam asked.

"You're so in love with him, it's almost pathetic. But it's cute. It's really cute," Luci said, "So, blissful happiness. Gonna adopt a few kids to prove it. Continue."

Sam ignored Luci's sarcasm and said, "Then, we started fighting. And it was always the same thing. I wouldn't open up. If something happened, but I knew Gabriel had a crappy day, I wouldn't bring it up. I felt like I was being considerate, you know? But he thought I was bottling stuff up and holding back. Then, I probably did start holding back. It's hard to stay open after a relationship like yours and mine...no offense."

"None taken," Luci said, "I get it. Go on."

"Even that started as little things. I'd ask Gabe before going to hang out with friends if it was okay. I'd ask permission to do just about anything. But Gabe had been expecting that, and he was understanding for the most part. Still, it bothered him that I couldn't let go of old habits like that," Sam said, "Anyway, the fighting got worse. I was shutting him out, I was pushing him away, I wasn't letting him in, I was holding out on him. He knew I was trying, but four years into a relationship, trying isn't exactly enough anymore."

"You guys were together for four years? Wow, Sam, that's a record for you," Luci said.

"I know," Sam said.

"So, you guys broke up because of all the fighting?" Luci asked.

Sam sighed, "Not quite."

Luci looked at Sam, confused. Sam didn't want to talk about it. He didn't want to relive that awful day. But he had invited Luci over for a reason.

Sam said, "There was a day that Gabriel came home. He'd been texting me from work, telling me that some of the librarians were blaming him for books being unaccounted for."

"He works in a library?"

"Yes."

"Sorry. Continue."

"Anyway, I knew he'd been having a bad day, but when he came home really late, I knew he'd gone out drinking. Gabe's not an alcoholic, my brother was way worse, but he came home completely drunk," Sam said.

He paused and swallowed. He couldn't cry in front of Luci. He hadn't cried in front of Luci in years, and he definitely wouldn't start now. He took a deep breath.

Sam said, "He was drunk enough that he started fighting with me. He said I wasn't being open with him. He said I was holding back. I knew he was drunk, so I ignored him. Then, he started saying we wouldn't last if I didn't trust him. I told him to stop it. If we were going to talk about it, he at least needed to be sober. And I did trust him, for the record. But he kept going. Finally, he said he was sick of being in a relationship by himself. I was tired, I was upset, and I wasn't really thinking, but I hit him. I smacked him across the face, and I shoved him into a wall to get him away from me. I-he doesn't even remember it really, but he had a nice bruise on his back for a bit."

Sam paused. A tear escaped his eye, and he tried his hardest not to care what Luci thought of that. He finished, "It was unforgivable. Gabe didn't seem to care, thought he deserved it for being an ass, but I hurt him. I wasn't even that mad, just upset. I kicked him out for his own good."

"Jesus, Sam," Luci said quietly.

Sam sighed and leaned his head back. It did feel good to get that off of his chest, but at the same time, he felt not a small amount of guilt for confiding in Luci of all people. If anyone knew he was over at Sam's place...

"Well, you want to know what I think?" Luci asked.

Sam looked at Luci and nodded.

"As for Dean and Cas, I got nothing. That just sucks. Be sure to tell them not to watch 'Captain America: Winter Soldier' or 'The Vow.' That'd probably not go over so well with them," Luci said, "But regarding you and that boy you're in love with. You should take that poor guy back."

"Luci..." Sam said.

"No, seriously, Sam," Luci said, "You love him. That's clear as day. Make sure he doesn't get drunk, and just be with him."

"I can't. I hurt him. Even if he forgave me, I could never-I can't," Sam said.

Luci sighed, "Well, that's your decision. What are you gonna do about that serious crush on him, then?"

Sam shrugged. He had feelings for Gabriel, he probably always would, so he'd just put up with it.

"I do have a suggestion," Luci said, "Just hear me out before you say no, okay?"

Sam nodded, Luci having piqued his interest.

Luci said, "I used you for a really long time. Causing you pain helped me feel in control, I know that now, and I'm terribly sorry for that, but I used you. You could return the favor. You could use me, if you want."

Sam stared at Luci, shocked. Was he offering what he thought he was offering? He couldn't do that. He couldn't trust Luci. He couldn't hurt Gabriel. He couldn't disappoint Cas or Charlie or Dorothy by doing something so stupid.

"I know," Luci said, looking away from Sam, "It was a stupid idea."

He didn't need to trust Luci to use him. And nobody needed to know. It wasn't smart, but it wasn't the most reckless thing he'd ever done. Sam scooted closer to Luci on the couch.

Here's to being stupid.

Luci faced Sam, and Sam pulled Luci's lips to his. No one needed to know. Everything would be fine.


	17. Take My Whole Life Too

Cas walked towards the bar on the quiet Chicago night. It was late, almost early. He would've asked Charlie or Dorothy of they wanted to go, but they were discussing something rather heatedly behind closed doors. Though his substitute had done well during his two week absence, Cas had started teaching his class again. It was harder now, and he felt distracted a lot, but maybe if he saved enough money, he could get a small place and get out of everyone's hair.

He walked across the dark Clark Street bridge and looked into the murky Chicago river. The breeze was nice. It almost made him forget everything. He wished he'd been the one to forget. Dean always dealt with things better than Cas did.

He got to the bar, took a seat, and ordered a Mike's Hard Lemonade. He didn't go out to drink, he just needed somewhere to go.

Then, he walked in.

Dean Winchester, in the flesh, scanned the bar for somewhere to sit. Cas for a moment thought he was hallucinating. Why would Dean be at this bar? The only people who knew where Cas went were Charlie and Dorothy. Maybe Dean asked them. Maybe he remembered.

Dean grinned and headed off to a table with a gorgeous blonde woman sitting at it. He leaned over the table, finding something way too fascinating about the woman's neckline.

Maybe Cas was literally the most unlucky person on the face of the planet. Was he cursed? Maybe he was cursed. Cas tried to remember the last time he broke a mirror.

Dean sat down across from the blonde with the too nice hair and the too perfect lipstick. He laughed at something she said. It was a controlled laugh, and it was done solely for her benefit.

Cas was going to need something a lot stronger than a slightly alcoholic lemonade if he was going to watch his former fiancé pick up a one night stand. He couldn't quite remember how to breathe the way he normally did. Was his breath always this choppy? Every jagged breath ripped a hole in his chest. He felt somewhere past dead and nothing but raw.

God, he was stupid. Whenever Dean Winchester got stressed, his answer was booze and women. He'd gotten so much better the years he'd been with Cas, Cas had almost forgotten. But this wasn't his Dean. Not anymore. Cas, feeling nothing but frayed and fragmented pain, paid for his drink and got up from his table.

Dean met Cas' gaze, and Cas froze in place. Dean got up quickly and walked towards Cas. There was no recognition in Dean's eyes, not the kind Cas wanted anyway. He couldn't deal with this. Cas turned around and headed straight out the door.

Dean felt like he was engulfed in water, drowning, dying. He felt something tugging at him like something was reaching for him while he stared into Cas' eyes.

Before he could do anything, Dean watched Cas leave. It was him. He looked right at Cas, but he didn't know him. Still, Dean felt like shit. He wanted to defend himself, to explain. But why? There was nothing between he and Cas but past. There was nothing tying Dean to Cas. Why did he feel like he got caught with his hand in the cookie jar? He'd done nothing wrong. Men pick up women all the time. He couldn't cheat on a guy he wasn't dating. He really wished Cas hadn't been there.

Dean walked back over to Lydia.

"What was that about?" she asked and he approached the table.

Dean sat down. "Somebody I used to know. Not a big deal," he said, "So, where were we?"

She said, "I believe you were telling me how beautiful I looked."

"No, I wasn't talking about-I asked you what you did for a living," he said, "Oh, I see what you're doing. Fishing for compliments, nice, nice."

Lydia flashed a seductive smile, "Well, if that's what it takes a girl to get some attention from you."

There was a part of Dean screaming at him to stop, to run after Cas and get him to understand. No. He couldn't do that. This night, this woman, were important. He needed to get back into the game. That was the only way anything would get back to normal, and Dean knew it.

"Oh, so that's how it is?" Dean said, a teasing smile on his lips.

Lydia mirrored the expression, leaning forward on the table's edge. "Yeah, that's how it is," she said.

Dean grinned, "You are stunningly beautiful. It must be the lighting that made me not notice how gorgeous you look tonight. You wanna go somewhere? You know, so I can appreciate your beauty properly.

Lydia laughed and grabbed her purse. "Smooth," she said, "My place or yours."

Dean followed her out of the bar. "Oh, I never take a woman to my place on the first date," he said.

She asked, "Why's that?"

As they emerged on the street, Dean's heart stopped. Cas was leaning up against the side of the building. He looked like he'd been crying. In the lamplight, Cas looked particularly stunning, like some sort of Apollo. But it didn't matter. He had to do this.

"Because then they might see my extensive Star Wars collection and think I'm some sort of geek. I'd never get laid that way," Dean answered.

"Oh, so you think you're getting laid tonight?" Lydia asked, obviously teasing.

"I don't know," Dean said, "Am I?"

Cas pushed off from the wall and walked away. Dean tried not to let that bother him.

"My place is this way," Lydia said, pointing in the opposite direction from Cas. Dean grinned at her and followed her down the street. Her apartment was only a few blocks away.

Dean followed Lydia up to her loft apartment and immediately felt jealous of the view of the city. His ability to stare out her window didn't last long as she pressed her lips to his. It was becoming pretty clear that she only wanted one thing from him, but that was sort of the best case scenario since he only wanted one thing from her.

As her tongue snaked into his mouth, he saw a flash of blue eyes, bright blue eyes smiling at him.

Dean opened his eyes and ignored the weirdness.

He worked on taking his shirt off, which turned out to be more difficult than he thought when a sleeve got stuck on his watch. This night was turning out to be great.

Then, he saw them again. Those blue eyes piercing into him. He knew right away he was seeing Cas' eyes. No one else had eyes like that. He was probably just remembering them from Cas at the hospital.

Dean finally got his shirt off and Lydia, having slid out of her dress, pushed him onto the bed.

Her hands ran down Dean's chest and all he could see were Cas' damnably blue eyes. What the hell was wrong with him?

The beautiful blonde straddled Dean's hips as she left small nibbling kisses on his chest.

Those big, blue eyes seared into him. They were happy, though. Then, he could see a smile. It was a big, dorky, nose crinkling smile, and damn if it wasn't adorable. Now he knew that was Cas, and that man hadn't smiled since Dean woke up.

"Is something wrong?" Lydia asked, "You're really not here right now."

"I can't do this," Dean said, sitting up.

"What?" Lydia asked, obvious annoyed.

Dean said to her, "You're great, and you're beautiful, and by all rights, we should definitely sleep together. But I can't do this. I have to go. I'm so sorry."

Without a moment's hesitation, Dean pulled his shirt on and walked out the door. He walked back to his apartment and knew he had to go talk to Sam. It was late, almost dawn actually, but if he was maybe remembering something...

He grabbed the keys to the Impala from the kitchen. He needed to see his brother. He needed to talk to Cas, but after what was technically last night, he wasn't sure Cas would ever speak to him again. It had been a month since he'd even seen him, then he picked up a girl right in front of the guy. He fucked up. He really fucked up.

As he started his car, those bright blue eyes haunted him. He wasn't sure if the flashes were just remembering Cas from the hospital or if he was starting to remember everything. But he knew him.


	18. I Hurt Myself Today

Sam sat up in bed gingerly and looked at Luci passed out in his bed. This was surreal. How did this happen? He was still too disoriented from his nightmares to think straight. At least these dreams were different. He didn't need to stretch his fingers or take a deep breath. He just needed to keep his eyes open. Even blinking sent images of Luci's fists and Gabriel's tears cascading through his mind. And he didn't need that. So no blinking. That'd be easy.

Sam's feet hit the floor softly as he got out of bed and walked into the front room of his apartment. Luci was asleep in his bed. What the hell. As long as none of his family found out, it would be okay. They were the only ones who would never forgive him anyway. Sam didn't even know if he could forgive himself for letting Luci back in. It was really stupid for one thing, and the guy had sent him to the hospital. Still, he did really seem changed since the last time they'd seen each other. Maybe, since it had been six years, Sam could finally be the bigger person.

At least he didn't sleep with him.

A knock came at the door, and Sam's heart leapt into his throat. What if it was Cas? What if it was Gabriel? Shit. Double shit. Christ, what was he doing with Luci in his bed? Shit.

"It's Dean. Open up," Dean said. Oh, thank god. Before the memory loss, Sam would have been scared shitless to see Dean at his apartment while Luci was around. This was probably the one benefit from that gunshot.

"Hey, Dean," Sam said, opening the door for his brother, "What's going on?"

Dean looked at his feet for a minute then directly in Sam's eyes. He asked, "Do you really think I should talk to Cas?"

Sam didn't miss a beat. "Yes," he said.

Dean walked into Sam's apartment and quickly started to pace. Something big must've been going on in his head.

"I ask again," Sam said, facing Dean, "What's going on?"

Dean shook his head. "I ignored the guy for a month," he said, "How am I supposed to talk to him now?"

Sam walked over and grabbed Dean by the shoulders to stop him from wearing a hole in his floor.

"Dean, Cas is in love with you. I'm sure he'll be willing to talk to you," Sam said.

Dean shook his head again, "No, he probably hates me by now. I kicked him out of his apartment, I rejected him, I ignored him, and last night...and now...I fucked this up, Sammy."

Sam sighed and led Dean over to a chair, motioning for him to sit.

"Okay, talk. What happened last night? Not that I'm complaining, but what made you consider talking to Cas all of a sudden?" Sam asked.

Dean hesitated while Sam's patience dwindled.

Finally, Dean said, "I saw Cas last night, or well, he saw me."

"And?" Sam asked.

"And I was at a bar…with a woman," Dean said.

Sam stared at Dean. He could only imagine how well Cas was doing after that.

"Jesus, Dean. Did you go after him? Try to talk to him? Anything?" Sam asked.

Dean's glance at his hands was all the answer Sam needed. So, Dean was back to picking up women at bars. Great. And Cas saw him.

"You need to talk to Cas," Sam said.

Dean sighed, "I know. I felt awful when I saw him, like I was caught cheating or something. And then I started remembering little things. I couldn't even sleep with Lydia after that, and everything is just so fucked up."

"You started remembering stuff?" Sam asked. Sam's heart raced. It was improvement, and Sam was really glad for it, but he couldn't help but think of Luci in the next room and wondered just how much Dean remembered.

"Yeah," Dean said, "Just tiny details. I remember Cas' eyes. Why? No idea. But I can remember them. It's weird as hell."

Sam nodded, "Yeah, you should really talk to Cas. Maybe he can help you jog your memory more."

Dean sighed, "Yeah, maybe."

Sam was about to offer his brother some breakfast as Luci wandered into the room rubbing his eyes.

"Morning," Luci yawned. He blinked a few times and looked at Dean sitting at the table.

Sam noticed Dean visibly stiffen. Shit. Dean looked at Sam, and Sam felt like he was going to be sick.

"I thought you said you guys broke up," Dean said, questioningly.

Sam released a breath. "Yeah," he said, "We did. He and I were just catching up last night, and he passed out."

Dean nodded and eyed Sam and Luci suspiciously.

Luci asked, "Should I go?"

Dean stood up and said, "Nah, don't worry about it. I'll head out, let you guys have some privacy."

Sam sighed and followed Dean to the door.

"You really don't have to leave," Sam said, "Nothing's going on with Luci."

Dean grinned, "Just because I don't like him doesn't mean you have to lie. Besides, I have to see Cas."

Sam nodded and held the door for Dean. "He's been at Charlie's lately," he said, "If he doesn't answer his phone, I'd try there."

Sam knew if Dean didn't get Cas to answer, he'd probably give up trying with Cas. He couldn't let him have an easy out like that.

Dean said a quick "thanks" before walking down the hall.

Sam closed the door and turned around to find Luci staring at him. He asked, "So, what's up with Dean? He seems a bit more...docile that the last time I saw him."

"He doesn't remember the last nine years, remember?" Sam said.

"Right," Luci said, "That does explain how I'm not bleeding right now."

Sam sat back down at the table and tried not to feel guilty for lying to Dean. It wasn't exactly lying, but if Dean ever remembered what happened with Luci, Sam was really going to be in for it.

Luci looked down at Sam, shoved his shoulder playfully, and asked, "So, what do you want to do now?"

But the playful shove was all it took.

For a moment, Sam couldn't even register what Luci had said. He just felt the bruises and blows of years ago. Seeing Luci's wrists bleeding in the bathroom, hearing the darkness in Luci's voice as he threatened and yelled and teased and manipulated Sam again and again...Sam's head swam.

"Sam?" Luci asked.

Sam struggled to catch his breath. All of his pain and nightmares slapped him in the face as he realized he should never have let Luci come over.

"I think you should go," Sam managed. He concentrated on his breathing, trying to get his anxiety under control.

"Why? Just because I touched you? I didn't even hurt you this time," Luci said.

The last two words caught in Sam's ears. This time. Like there might be a next time where it would hurt.

"This time?" Sam asked.

Luci laughed, "Well, as I recall, you do like it rough."

"Get out," Sam said. There was no fucking way he was going back to that. Not now, not ever.

Luci said, "C'mon, Sam. I was just teasing." Sam stood up and hauled Luci by the arm over to the door.

"It was nice catching up," Sam said, "I'll see you around maybe."

Luci rolled his eyes. "You are such a drama queen," he said, "We can still hang out. I won't hurt you. Promise."

Sam opened the door to see Gabriel standing in the hall approaching his door.

Fuck. Everything.

Gabriel looked from Sam to Luci and glared at Luci with clear disdain.

"I'll see you later, sweetie," Luci said to Sam as he stepped around Gabriel and down the hallway. That son of a bitch.

Gabriel watched Luci walk away and turned his gaze on Sam.

"It's not what it looks like," Sam said.

Gabriel replied with a tight frown, "Right. Of course. He was just stopping by to borrow a cup of sugar."

"Gabriel, don't be like that," Sam said.

"And how am I being?" Gabriel asked, "Like I just watched the monster that completely destroyed you walk out of your apartment? Is that how I'm being?"

Sam sighed, "We were just catching up."

Gabriel stared at him incredulously, "What on earth could you be catching up about at ten in the morning on a Saturday?"

"Well, we were catching up last night and-"

"He spent the night? What the fuck, Sam?" Gabriel snapped.

"Nothing happened," Sam defended.

Gabriel was still seething. "Well, thank God for that," he spat.

Sam walked to the table and sat down. "Was there a reason you came over, or did you just feel like passing some judgment and being on your merry way?" Sam asked.

Gabriel shot him an unamused glare. He closed the distance between them and said, "I came by to talk to you about what you said in the hospital to Dean. Don't change the subject. What in the hell were you thinking even talking to that asshole let alone letting him into your apartment?"

"It really isn't any of your business," Sam said.

Gabriel laughed darkly, "Isn't any of my business? Sam, how long did I fight for you to get away from that creep? How could you possibly say-"

"We're not together anymore, Gabriel. If it weren't for Dean and Cas, you wouldn't even know where I live, so don't pretend like you mean something to me when you don't," Sam snapped.

Gabriel put a hand over his mouth and pulled it down his jaw in a gesture that Sam recognized as Gabriel masking his anger and pain. Sam didn't want to hurt him, he didn't want to fight with him at all, but Gabriel was really being unfair.

Nothing happened with Luci that Sam hadn't wanted. Plus, Sam kicked the guy out. It felt like a small victory that Gabriel was just completely overlooking.

"I know we aren't together," Gabriel said coolly, "Trust me, I am well aware, but that doesn't mean you should go crawling back to that big bag of dicks."

"We're just friends."

"That's not the point!" Gabriel shouted, slamming his hand down flat and hard on the table. He took a breath and look at Sam with such pain and regret in his eyes, Sam could barely stand to look at him.

Gabriel shook his head with a shaky, sad smile and said, "After everything he did to you, to us, you letting him be near you...you might as well have let him fuck you again."

That was too much for Sam handle. He felt like he'd been smacked across the face.

"You know what? You're not always right, and you don't get a say in how I live my life," Sam shouted angrily, "I kicked you out before, and so help me, I'll do it again. You hurt me worse than he ever did, so why don't you do both of us a favor and save your opinions for someone who cares."

Gabriel opened his mouth for a second and closed it again. He turned away from Sam quickly but not before Sam saw a tear slide down his ex-boyfriend's face.

Gabriel shook his head and turned back to Sam with full composure. "You really do deserve him," he said, voice cracking.

Sam stared at him. He didn't mean that.

Something broke in Sam, hearing those words from Gabriel. He was the only one who knew everything Luci had done. He'd told him time and time again that Sam deserved better. He tried to prove it to him by dating him, by giving him that alternative. He'd told him constantly for years that Sam was worth more than anything.

To hear Gabriel agreeing with the nagging voice in the back of Sam's mind that he would never deserve anything better than to suffer at Luci's hands or die was...something in Sam broke.

"You don't mean that," Sam said.

Gabriel locked eyes with Sam for a moment, but shook his head. His gaze slid to the ground. "You aren't worth my breath or my time," he said.

Gabriel walked towards the door.

Sam tried not to break down right then and there. They couldn't leave it like this. It would haunt Sam worse than the day he threw Gabriel out. He couldn't hurt Gabriel like this.

"Gabriel, wait," Sam said. But it was too late; the amber eyed man was already gone.

He didn't mean it. He didn't. He couldn't. And even if he did, it wasn't true. Sam deserved better than Luci. He deserved better than constant pain. But he couldn't quite believe it just then. Why had Gabriel shown up when he did? He kicked Luci out. Why couldn't Gabriel have just dropped it?

But this wasn't Gabe's fault.

It was Sam's.

It was all Sam's fault.

Everything.

Everything was just so fucked up.

Sam shoved one of the chairs into the wall hard. It was always his fault. He flipped over the table angrily. Why couldn't he just do one thing right? He kicked the other chair against the opposite wall. How hard was it to keep Luci out of his life? He'd managed it for six years just fine. Why did he always fuck things up? Sam slammed his fist into the wall and remembered punching brick in the alley when he first met Gabe. It only made him punch the wall harder. Every crash against the wall just another angry thought colliding with his wretched mind. It wasn't until the skin over his knuckles split that he was able to shake the pain of his failure.

He walked to the kitchen sink to splash some water on his face. Why had he broken up with Gabriel? Why hadn't he just talked to him? But he didn't. Because Sam always fucked up everything. And now it was too late.

Sam smashed the dishes stacked on the side of the sink against the wall. He took a deep breath as he fought the urge to break every dish he had just to hear the satisfying sounds of shattering. But he did need to eat occasionally, so that couldn't happen. Sam picked up one of the shards of glass from the broken dishes and turned it over in his hand.

He could slit his wrists with it.

One sharp piece of glass would make it all go away.

But he couldn't even hold it to his skin. Sam chucked the glass across the room and sank to the floor of the kitchen.

Maybe he didn't deserve better than Luci. That was something he'd have to live with, though. Killing himself wasn't an option. He couldn't do that to his family again. He couldn't be that selfish.

Sam glanced at the shattered remains of everything around him and felt the first of many tears escape his eye. So, it was finally true. Gabriel didn't love Sam, he hated him. And now they both knew it.


	19. I Cannot Repair

"I think you're trying too hard. You need to relax," Dorothy said.

Charlie whipped around to face her wife. "I'm trying too hard?" she asked through tight lips. She turned back to Cas. "Would you excuse us for a minute?" she asked.

Before he could answer, Charlie pulled Dorothy into their bedroom and shut the door. It did little to stop their words from floating through the apartment.

"Are you kidding me? I'm trying. I'm not trying too hard. I'm doing this for you. Don't you even care?" Charlie snapped.

Dorothy replied, "Of course I care! It's just...there's nothing we can do. Can't we just enjoy our time and enjoy each other?"

Charlie said, "I can't just give up."

"I'm not asking you to," Dorothy said, "I just want you to relax. I don't know how long-just go on a walk with me or lay down with me or at least talk to me."

Cas shifted uncomfortably in his chair, not sure if he should be hearing any of this.

Charlie said, "I want you. You being here and healthy is the only way I can even consider relaxing."

"What if that can't happen?"

"What do you mean if that can't happen? We're going to figure this out. Insurance is there for a reason, right?" Charlie said.

Her voice rose an octave and was much clearer than Cas would ever want to admit. He strongly considered leaving.

"But what if it doesn't work? What happens to us?" Dorothy asked, "Are we just going to waste all of our time on the phone with insurance agents and drug companies until we find something that won't fix the problem? Should we just put our lives on hold? What about kids? Are we even trying for that anymore?"

"Of course! But I'd rather make sure you're going to be okay first-"

"Charlie, I love you, but don't you think this is my choice?"

"So, your choice is to leave me and let me raise a child alone? Is that it?"

"That's not what I-"

Charlie stormed out of the bedroom and walked past Cas, trying to avoid eye contact.

"I'm going to go," Cas said, standing up.

Charlie nodded and took a deep breath. "Sorry, Cas," she said. Cas gave her a sympathetic smile before wrapping her in a hug. Charlie returned the hug and buried her face in his shoulder. Dorothy watched them from the bedroom doorway, worry and sadness marring her features. Cas' heart ached for them.

When Charlie released him, she said quietly, "You should really go." He nodded and headed for the door.

He got to Gabriel's apartment rather quickly. Normally, he would've enjoyed being out in the city, but the wind was too brisk even in May to find a brief moment of happiness even in a casual walk. Luckily, Gabriel was home. He opened the door, and Cas couldn't help but notice the dark circles under his eyes.

"Hey, Cas!" Gabriel greeted with attempted brightness.

Cas mustered a soft smile in return.

"C'mon in," Gabriel said, holding open the door for Cas.

Cas remembered the first time he and Dean had visited Gabriel's apartment after the breakup with Sam. It had been awkward to say the least, but Dean being there had made the visit bearable. It made Gabriel's tears and faraway stare slightly easier to swallow. Dean hadn't even wanted to go. Cas and Dean had fought about it for days. Dean insisted that if they didn't get involved, Sam might come to his senses faster. It worked that way when Sam and Gabriel got together before. Cas, however, didn't see how visiting their friend could be counted as getting involved. He wanted to be there for Gabriel like Gabriel had been there for him so many times. In the end, Cas had won.

As Cas walked into Gabriel's front room, he could see Dean everywhere. He remembered Dean leaning on the arm of the couch while they tried to make small talk with their heartbroken friend. He remembered Dean making food in the kitchen to make sure Gabriel was eating. He remembered Dean hugging Gabriel in the entryway as they were leaving. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Everywhere and everything reminded him of Dean, but there was particularly a lot of pain here. It was one of the first times that Dean had been so selfless and caring towards someone despite not wanting to be there at all. Honestly, Cas had fallen in love with him all over again during that visit.

"Cas," Gabriel asked, "How ya doin?" Cas shook his head and tried to forget the places in the apartment that Dean had touched, stood in, smiled around.

"Can I use your bathroom?" Cas asked quickly. He was going to break down, he could feel it. He didn't want to lose it in front of his friend, though. Gabriel nodded and gestured towards the hallway leading further into the small apartment.

Cas slowly opened a door to what he hoped was Gabriel's bathroom. Instead, it was his friend's bedroom. Great. But something struck him about the room. It was immaculate. Cas walked inside. The bed was perfectly made, not a wrinkle was to be found on the sheets. A single pillow sat at the head, perfectly fluffed and white as a new pillow. It looked like no one had ever been in this room let alone slept here. Everything in the room, the TV, the nightstand, the unused desk in the corner all had a fine layer of dust over it. The closet door was the only thing out of place as it sat ajar from when it had been opened last.

The other times he'd been in Gabriel's room both at his old two flat and when he'd lived across the hall from him, his room was always lived in. Gabriel hated making the bed, and he usually kept an organized chaos and not this disused museum exhibit. Something was very wrong.

Cas turned around to see Gabriel in the doorway.

"Bathroom's further down the hall," Gabriel said.

Cas said, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to—"

"It's fine," Gabriel cut him off.

Cas looked at his friend and decided it couldn't wait. "Are you okay?" he asked.

Gabriel's eyebrows knit together in confusion. "What are you talking about, Cas?" he asked.

"Do you sleep?" Cas asked quickly.

"What? Why?" Gabriel started. He looked at Cas and sighed, "I catch an hour or two occasionally. Why you wanna know?"

"Well, you clearly don't sleep in here," Cas said, gesturing to the bleak room.

Gabriel chuckled, "That's because my room is around the corner."

Cas felt heat rise in his face. He shouldn't have assumed.

"This is my guest room," Gabriel explained, "But Adam tends to get drunk and pass out in the front room or in my room, so he doesn't use it much either."

Cas nodded and glanced around the room. Maybe he'd be able to crash here if things got worse with Charlie and Dorothy.

"So, why haven't you been sleeping?" Cas asked.

Gabriel looked at Cas with sad eyes. He clapped a hand to the doorframe and walked back to the front room. He called over his shoulder, "You have to ask?"

Cas tried and failed not to worry about his friend. Why couldn't he work things out with Sam? There were clearly feelings still between them. Cas sighed and decided against the bathroom. He followed Gabriel back to the front and sat softly on a chair across from the couch Gabriel was lounging on.

Gabriel eyed him cautiously. "Not that I don't love seeing you," he said, "But why are you here?"

Cas looked up at his friend nervously. He never considered that he might not be welcome in Gabriel's apartment. He should have called first. Just showing up like this was incredibly rude.

Gabriel sighed at Cas' silence and added, "I just know that usually you call before coming over unless something bad happened."

Cas nodded. "Things were tense at Charlie and Dorothy's place. They needed space. And I didn't have anywhere else to go," he said.

Gabriel gave him a sympathetic smile, "Well, you can always come here."

Cas returned the smile gratefully. Having a place to come to was a nice feeling. He couldn't stay with Sam and keep his sanity, he couldn't stay with Charlie and Dorothy all the time without being in the way, and he couldn't stay with Dean no matter how badly he wanted to. He couldn't shake the image of the blonde woman from his head. Why couldn't Dean just remember? His Dean would never try to pick up a woman in front of him. Even if they broke up, even if Dean didn't want him anymore, he would never do that.

"So, what do you want to do?" Gabriel asked.

Cas sighed, "I don't know." He knew exactly what he wanted to do. He wanted to find Dean, hit him really hard in the head, and hope it jogged his memory.

"You wanna talk?" Gabriel asked.

Cas looked at him sideways. "About what?" he asked.

"Well, I could ask you about work or life at Charlie's or some small talk like that," Gabriel said, "Or you could tell me what's on your mind. I think I can guess, but it might be good for you to talk about it."

Cas twisted the engagement ring on his finger and said, "Okay. It might be good for you to talk about Sam as well."

"Cas," Gabriel said with a warning tone.

Cas stared at him. He wasn't going to lay it all out there for nothing.

"I know you're not okay. I know he's not okay. If neither of you are willing to talk about it, neither of you are going to be okay," Cas snapped, "And I'm not okay. Charlie and Dorothy aren't okay. Dean probably thinks he's okay, but considering he got shot in the head, he's not okay either. Somebody in this family had better work on their communication so at least one of us can be okay for longer than five minutes."

Gabriel looked at Cas, mouth slightly agape. He hesitantly nodded and said, "Fine. I'll talk about Sam, but you're first."

Cas nodded and looked at his hands. "I hurt," he said, "all the time. I see him everywhere. I can't get him out of my head. I can't focus, I can't sleep, I miss him so much, I can't function without him, and there's nothing I can do."

Gabriel gave a sad, dark smirk, looked at his hands, and said, "I guess I can't just say 'ditto' and get out of answering."

"Have you ever considered moving on?" Cas asked quietly.

Gabriel shook his head, "Nah. Who would I move on to? It's always going to be Sam for me. That wouldn't be fair to anyone."

Cas wished he could do something to help his friend. He said, "I know what you mean, but it still hurts after all this time? It's never gotten any better?"

It'd been years and nothing had gotten much better for either Sam or Gabriel. Granted, Gabriel was much better at putting on a brave face now, but there was still so much pain. Cas just wanted to help his friend heal, but he couldn't even heal himself. He was so useless.

Gabriel answered, "There are good days, but a good day is managing not to think about him or somehow sleeping through the night so I can at least feel rested for a while. Maybe if I knew how to let go, it wouldn't be so bad."

Cas sighed and looked at the life he would eventually have, the man he'd eventually become. He was already having problems sleeping.

At Cas' silence, Gabriel suggested, "Maybe we should talk about something happier. I mean, there's a lot of good stuff that happened with Dean, right?"

Cas sighed, "Yes. And that is exactly the problem."

"C'mon. I know you want to talk about him. Tell me something I don't know about," Gabriel pressed. He quickly added, "But for god's sake, no sex stories. I don't need that in my head."

Cas chuckled a little and the sound startled him. He hadn't laughed in a really long time. The sound felt foreign to his ears.

"Okay," Cas said, "Something you don't know. Well, Dean doesn't even know about this...although given the current situation, that's not saying much."

Gabriel sat up a little straighter.

Cas explained, "Do you remember back in college when I had that crush? I saw that guy at the AMC with his girlfriend, and I went nuts over him?"

Gabriel nodded slowly.

Cas said quietly, "That was Dean. I didn't know his name until we were in class together, but that was Dean. I had a crush on him for months, maybe even years, before I got the nerve to talk to him."

Gabriel laughed, "Oh god, don't tell me you had a notebook with his name in hearts or some shit like that."

Cas shook his head, "No, I'm not quite that pathetic, Gabriel. It was just a crush until he kissed me."

Gabriel continued laughing until Cas said, "It's your turn."

"What?" Gabriel asked, "You want to know something about Sam?"

Cas nodded, "You still need to talk about him."

Gabriel stretched his back momentarily, thinking. He said, "Fine. How'd he tell you we met? 'Cause I guarantee you it's a lie."

Cas said apologetically, "I don't know, actually." God, Cas was a shitty friend.

"I met Sam in an alley," Gabriel said, "The dumb shit was playing bloody knuckles with a brick wall."

"What?" Cas asked, confused. This was definitely a story he hadn't heard before.

Gabriel sighed and rushed an agitated hand through his hair. He elaborated, "I was wandering around since Dad tried to put me through a wall, and I saw this guy. It was dark, but he just caught my attention. I could tell he was young and gorgeous as hell, but not much else. You know me, I couldn't keep my nose out of it. So, I went over to see if I could help the kid out. He'd just gotten away from Luci's. All he showed me at the time were a few bruises and some tears, but he also had a pretty fucked up ankle and some other stuff. I tried to make him feel better. We exchanged names and parted ways. I figured I'd never see him again, so I didn't want to get too attached, y'know?"

Cas nodded in understanding. It did explain why Gabriel and Sam became so close so quickly.

"But I dreamt about him, Cas," Gabriel continued, "It was the first time in a long time that I'd felt something. You remember how messed up I used to be. He helped me feel again. God, there were nights that I couldn't get those sad eyes out of my head. I started wondering if I should've asked for his full name or a phone number or something." He paused, seemingly lost in thought.

Cas cleared his throat to rescue Gabriel from wherever his mind had taken him.

Gabriel snapped out of it instantly and finished by saying, "Then you wanted to bone his brother and needed a wing man, so we saw each other again and the rest is tragic history."

"I'm sorry," Cas said quietly.

Gabriel quickly waved a hand at Cas. "Don't be," he said, "I'm not."

"Are we discussing painful back stories?" a voice came from the hallway. Gabriel and Cas looked up to see Adam leaning on the wall, watching them.

Cas never quite knew how to be around Adam. Cas felt completely shattered, Gabriel was such a mess that he didn't sleep or eat regularly, but Adam made them both look like completely happy and healthy individuals.

The gaunt faced boy walked further into the room and asked, "May I?"

"You don't have to," Gabriel said.

Adam nodded but started to contribute anyway. "I met Michael in high school," he said, his voice nearly devoid of emotion. There was an emptiness about Adam that always put Cas on edge and simultaneously made him feel very sympathetic towards the poor boy.

"I didn't know why he was talking to me, to be honest," Adam continued, "He was a year older than me, very popular, and we ran in completely different circles." His voice cracked, and he tried to collect himself.

"Adam, it's okay, you don't have to—," Gabriel said.

Adam shook his head. "I need to be able to talk about it," he said, "Anyway, we were kind of friends. Then, he danced with me at prom. I went by myself, Mom wanted me to make some good memories or some bullshit like that. But Michael ditched his date to dance with me. I don't know if he knew I was bi or he knew he was gay or anything, but he danced with me. And he kissed me."

Cas shot a glance at Gabriel, but Gabriel just gaped at Adam. Michael, even then, was very secretive and closeted. The idea that he'd put his sexuality on display like that was mindboggling.

Adam grinned, "I take it you guys didn't know that."

Cas shook his head, doing his best to keep his silence.

Gabriel replied, "That's definitely something Mike didn't tell me."

"I'm not surprised," Adam laughed darkly, "We were happy for seven years, and he never once told your family about me. I didn't mind. It made sense. Better to be happy and safe than provoking your dad. And then—then your—then your dad—" He sat down on the couch next to Gabriel and held his face in his hands.

Cas watched the boy sadly. He knew where the story went after that. Gabriel's father died. He had a heart attack after a fight with Michael. What Gabriel had said at the time was that their dad found out about Michael and Adam.

"'I hope you die, you fucking faggot piece of shit,'" Adam said shakily, "That's what he said to his own son. How could you say that to your own son?"

The poor kid's hands started shaking, and Gabriel reached over and pulled Adam into a hug as he broke down.

"I should've been there," Gabriel said softly. He pressed his cheek against Adam's head and held him while Adam sobbed.

Cas decided to make himself useful and grabbed a box of tissue from the kitchen. He handed it to Adam as the boy slowly regained his composure.

"Thanks, Cas," Adam choked out.

Cas nodded and put a hand on Adam's shoulder in an attempt at a reassuring gesture.

Finally, Adam took a deep breath and looked at Gabriel, "Don't say you should've been there. It wouldn't have changed anything."

Cas knew what happened there, too. After Michael's father died, Michael hadn't been able to talk to Adam. He couldn't deal with his father, his sexuality, his boyfriend, or any of it. So, he broke up with Adam and holed up in the two-flat with Raphael. And Gabriel took Adam in, finding him places to stay, helping him recover. When Gabriel and Sam broke up, Adam moved in with Gabriel. In those early days, the two of them were always either crying or drunk or both. Visiting during those times while still being a happy couple with Dean had not been pleasant. At least that wasn't a problem anymore.

"Why do you still have feelings for my piece of shit brother?" Gabriel asked. Cas understood still being in love with a guy who was now decidedly straight, but he'd never been treated as cruelly as Adam from what he'd heard.

"I don't know," Adam said, "I sort of feel stuck with him. I let him in, and now he's got this hold on me. I just want things to go back to the way they were."

An awkward silence fell over them for lack of any response to that. What could they say? That Adam should do what they couldn't and get over his ex?

"How've you been doing, Cas?" Gabriel asked, trying to fill the silence.

Cas shrugged. He really didn't want to talk about his inability to bring himself to sleep or eat or prepare lesson plans the way he used to. He didn't want to mention how every minute of every day he thought about Dean living his life without him. He didn't want to think about any of that let alone bring it up again.

"As I said, I can't function without him," Cas said, staring at the ring on his finger.

Gabriel said, "Have you tried talking to him? I'm sure he's not having an easy time of it either."

Images of that blonde woman leaning all over Dean made Cas angry all over again. He said sharply, "I saw him at a bar the other day with a woman. Either he's doing fine or he's coping with women and booze as per usual."

"Oh, jeez," Gabriel said, looking at Cas sympathetically.

Cas shrugged, "Either way, I don't care. I just...I wish I'd never met him."

Adam looked up at Cas at those words.

"You don't mean that," Gabriel said.

Cas asked, "I don't? I don't wish I could do normal things without wanting to break down and cry? Are you sure?"

Gabriel shook his head. "You don't mean it the same way I don't. If you didn't know Dean, you wouldn't have Sam or Charlie or Dorothy. If I didn't know Sam, I wouldn't have Charlie or Dorothy. Sam would be dead. Hell, I might be dead," he said, "You have a family because of him. And who knows? Maybe he'll come around."

"While I appreciate the very valid point you're making, Dean's straight, Gabriel. I can't just wait for him to—"

Cas' phone vibrated. He barely felt it, but he grabbed it out of his pocket like his life depended on it. His heart leapt into his throat. What were the odds? He looked at his phone and saw it was Charlie.

Cas only wanted to cry a little and was only marginally tempted to throw his phone across the room for getting his hopes up at all.

Gabriel looked at Cas curiously as he answered the phone. "Hello?" he said.

Charlie had obvious teary thickness in her voice. It didn't alarm Cas much considering how Charlie and Dorothy had been fighting earlier.

She said, "Cas, Dean came by just now."

Cas' heart leapt back into his esophagus.

"What? Why?" Cas managed to ask.

His stomach twisted into knots as Charlie said, "He came by to see you. He wanted to talk to you about something. You might want to give him a call, sweetie."

Cas nearly dropped the phone. Had Dean remembered something? Had he remembered everything? Did he just want to apologize for the run in at the bar?

"Thanks, Charlie," Cas said quickly before hanging up. He went to punch in the numbers for Dean's phone when he saw that he had several missed calls from Dean.

Dean tried to reach out, and he missed the calls. Fuck.

"I had my phone on vibrate," Cas muttered, "Damn it." Both Gabriel and Adam looked at Cas in confusion.

Cas dialed Dean's number and held his breath.

One ring. Cas couldn't bring himself to look at Gabriel's questioning stare.

Two rings. Cas' stomach tied itself in knots. He hadn't heard Dean's voice in so long.

Three rings.

Dean's voicemail picked up. "Hi, this is Dean Winchester. Sorry I missed you. Leave a message, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Otherwise, feel free to call again. You never know, might get lucky."

Cas hung up the phone. He got up and grabbed his trench coat from by the door.

"Dean went to Charlie's. He wants to talk to me. I have to go," Cas explained quickly. Gabriel nodded and opened the door for Cas.

"Good luck," Gabriel said, hugging Cas.

Cas nodded and quickly hurried off in the direction of his old apartment, thoughts of Dean buzzing around in his head like angry hornets. Cas tried not to let himself build up any hopeful ideas but wasn't successful. What if Dean remembered him?


	20. This Fire In My Skin

Luci wasn't really watching the TV. His thoughts snarled around Sam Winchester. He had only been nice, said everything Sam wanted him to hear, and what did it get him? Luci knew friendship wasn't enough and now that was off the table, too. But it had to be Sam. There was no other choice. No one made him feel stronger, more in control, than Sam did. He thought he could get by like he had been, but those lips on his only strengthened his resolve. He needed Sam. He needed him horribly.

Luci sighed and heard a knock at his office door. "Come in if you have to," he said, tiredly.

The club manager, Alistair, opened the door slowly. "We have a problem," he said.

Luci sighed and gave Alistair an impatient look.

"Our Bacardi shipment got lost. We have nothing to restock with," Alistair said quickly.

Luci looked back at the TV and said, "I'll call them tomorrow."

"But we have no Bacardi behind the bar."

Luci sighed and faced Alistair. "Has anyone asked for Bacardi?" he asked.

Alistair shook his head.

"Then, it's a problem that can wait till tomorrow," Luci said, "How's everything else going?"

"Good. Everything's good," Alistair said.

Luci said, "Wonderful. Thank you."

Alistair nodded and left Luci's office.

The door closed, and Luci didn't know what he'd do without Sam. It wasn't like the last six years had been particularly easy. There'd been a few guys since Sam but nothing quite as serious. He could still feel the snap of Sam's arm under his boot and the crush of flesh beneath his knuckles. He'd never felt so powerful, so in control of himself.

Of course, he hadn't started out so rough with Sam. The guy would've left him so fast, and Luci loved Sam. He loved the feel of Sam in his hands, beneath his fists and grasping fingers. He didn't start out rough. Sam had to be conditioned. If it weren't for Gabriel, Luci would never have lost him. He'd had him. Sam had been completely his. Luci had thought maybe Sam could be his again, but Sam didn't seem to agree. He'd have to talk to him, to reason with him, to make him understand. And he would understand. Luci never lied; he had no need. He was sorry for the way he hurt Sam. If he'd kept his cool and kept the pain at a slow increase, Sam would've relished in the pain, he would've felt alive, made anew. It would've been amazing. They could be so good together.

Fucking Gabriel. Luci had to get Sam back. He'd have to earn back his trust, but he'd find a way. Luci sighed, determined to regain control of that magnificent, broken man. And he had a plan.

As Luci called Alistair back into his office, he remembered the feel of Sam's lips on his. It had been Sam to initiate that kiss. Hope was not lost. Just…delayed.

"You called?" Alistair asked.

Luci said, "I'd like you and the supervisors to keep a sharp eye for any date rape drugs floating around in the club. We can't allow that sort of thing to go unchecked here."

Alistair nodded.

Before the manager could leave, Luci said, "If you find anything, be sure to confiscate it. Don't want those things just going to another club."

"No problem, sir," Alistair said.

His manager left, and Luci smiled to himself.

His plan lacked a little of the finesse that he normally appreciated, but it was necessary. If Sam wouldn't listen to him, and of course he wouldn't, Luci needed every advantage. Sam would be his again. It was only a matter of time. Sam would be with him or no one else. All he needed was a new start, a fresh start. Or maybe subtlety was never the right approach. He'd already lost Sam, so there was no need to coax him like a frightened deer. He didn't have to worry about Sam running since he already ran.

Perhaps the time for being gentle was over.


	21. I Am Still Right Here

A knock at the door had Dean up off the couch and opening the door quickly. Dean's breath caught. It was Cas.

"I'm surprised you came," Dean said.

Cas quickly defended, "I always come when you call, Dean. I-"

Dean cut him off, "I wouldn't know."

Cas nodded with eyes glued to the floor. "I tried calling," he said.

"Yeah, I—I saw," Dean said, "I'm sorry I didn't answer. I was in the bathroom and—"

"It's okay," Cas said.

Before any hard silence could present itself, Dean said, "I was hoping you could help me remember...or at least fill me in...about us."

Cas' bright blue eyes widened with shock. "Oh," he said.

Dean waited for an answer, but Cas just kept staring at him.

"So?" Dean asked.

Cas hesitated like he was weighing his options. He said quickly, "Okay, but it'll have to wait till tomorrow. It's too late to do this today." It was almost 10pm. Cas had a point.

"Okay," Dean said. He was just grateful Cas said yes and relieved he came over at all. Maybe he hadn't completely ruined everything.

"Well, see you tomorrow then," Cas said. He turned back towards the door.

Dean reached out and grabbed Cas' arm lightly. He said, "You could stay. I mean, I haven't really spent any time with you."

Cas eyed Dean's hand on his arm with unnerving intensity. Dean quickly removed it. He had no idea how to be around this guy.

"Are you sure?" Cas asked.

"Yeah," Dean said.

Cas squinted at him slightly. It was very clear that Cas didn't believe him. Dean crossed over to the couch and patted the cushion next to him. Cas sat down slightly too close for comfort.

"What would you like to do, Dean?" Cas asked.

Dean felt like this was a loaded question. He leaned back a little to put some more space between them and said, "How about truth or truth? I have a hell of a lot of questions for you."

It worked on Sam whenever he needed to pump for information, so maybe it would work now. Normally, he'd offer dares to anyone but Sam, but he didn't quite trust Cas yet, and he really just wanted answers.

"Really? Truth or truth?" Cas sighed, "Okay, sure."

Dean decided to start off slow. "Bears or Packers?" he asked.

Cas sighed, "Bears, but I'm not really much for sports."

"Cubs or Sox?"

"Cubs, and that was definitely my turn."

"Oh, sorry."

Cas locked eyes with Dean that made him very afraid of the impending question.

Cas asked, "What was the name of the girl you picked up at the bar last night?" Dean tried not to let his jaw drop. He was trying to start off light. What could he possibly say to make it up to Cas?

Cas said after a moment, "I'm not mad, we aren't together, you don't even know me. I'm just curious."

That helped Dean feel a bit better. Still, he felt like shit for letting Cas see him with a woman. He figured lying would only cause more problems. Maybe if he was honest with Cas, Cas would be honest with him.

Dean answered, "Her name was Lydia. I'm so sorry about that, Cas. I didn't think-"

"It's okay," Cas said quickly, "Your lack of memory hurts much worse than seeing you at a bar with Lydia. And your amnesia is not your fault, so it's really okay."

That didn't sting at all. He should have tried to talk to Cas sooner. Like in the hospital sooner.

"Are you just telling yourself that?" Dean asked. He couldn't blame Cas for hating him for ruining his life, but he would like to know if that was the case.

"Is that your question?" Cas asked.

"No."

"I do not blame you for circumstances out of your control, so I'm not just telling myself that. And it's your turn."

Dean tried to believe that. Maybe if he could remember the shooting, he'd stop blaming himself.

Dean tried again for easy questions, like something he'd ask on a first date. "What do you do for a living?" he asked.

Cas replied, "I teach history to high school students. And before you ask, yes, I do enjoy it."

"Your turn."

"Did you sleep with Lydia?"

Cas was as subtle as an atomic bomb.

"I thought you said you weren't mad," Dean countered.

"I'm not. I'm honestly curious. And I don't exactly have a lot to ask you since I know you better than you do right now."

Touche.

"No, I didn't sleep with Lydia," Dean answered.

"Why?" Cas asked.

Before they opened that can of worms, Dean had one question he needed to know the answer to. He said, "Ah ah, it's my turn."

Cas sighed heavily, "Fine."

Dean asked, "Do you still love me?"

Cas hesitated. He looked at the ring still on his finger. Dean hadn't noticed Cas was still wearing it. He wondered if that was all the answer he needed.

"That's complicated," Cas said.

"No, it's not."

"I don't make a habit of being in love with straight men," Cas said.

That wasn't quite satisfactory. Cas clearly had feelings for him before. And he was pretty sure he'd been straight at the time. Plus, Cas was obviously avoiding the question.

"And yet we're engaged," Dean countered.

"We were engaged," Cas argued, "There is quite a difference."

"Just answer the question."

"Isn't there anything else you want to know about me?" Cas asked.

He looked like he wanted an out. Dean wanted to give it to him. He'd already put the poor guy through hell. But he needed to know. If he really did feel something for Cas, he needed to know if there was even the slightest chance.

"Yes, but this is more important," Dean said.

Cas shot him an exasperated look. "Why?" he asked, "Why is it important? Why do you want to know how I feel? Why didn't you sleep with Lydia after you saw me at the bar? Why do you want to know about me or about us?"

"You were important to me, or so I'm told. I want to get an idea of what my life was like," Dean said. He didn't want to talk about the small memories. He didn't want to get Cas' hopes up. He hadn't remembered anything else since.

"What aren't you telling me?" Cas asked. Was the guy always this perceptive?

"Nothing."

"Don't lie to me, Dean Winchester," Cas snapped.

Dean really shouldn't have been surprised at Cas' lie detection skills. They'd been together for way longer than Dean cared to acknowledge. Like he said, Cas knew Dean better than Dean did. That fact made him really not want to mention the memories. It would give Cas hope. And he couldn't do that to him. Not after all he'd lost. Dean stayed silent.

"Fine," Cas said. He pushed himself off the couch and walked towards the door. Dean panicked. He couldn't screw it all up now. He needed to say something to get Cas to stay or listen or something.

"I can't stop thinking about you," Dean said.

Cas paused and turned around. "What?" he said. He sounded much more irritated than intrigued, and Dean realized that he needed to tell him. Otherwise, Cas would walk right out that door and never come back. Cas sat back down on the couch and waited patiently for Dean to explain.

Dean said, "That's why I didn't have sex with Lydia. I was going to, but I started remembering tiny things about you. Then, being with Lydia didn't feel so right anymore."

"You remembered something?" Cas asked. His tone seemed as excited as the light in his eyes.

"Don't get too excited," Dean said, "It was just your eyes and smile. That's it."

Cas stared at him intently. Those eyes were going to drive Dean insane. It was bad enough that Cas' eyes were one of the only things he could remember, but those bright blue eyes would haunt Dean's dreams. He saw them every time he closed his eyes. To have those beautiful eyes pouring into him in person was a bit too much for Dean to handle.

"What?" Dean asked.

"How do you feel about me?" Cas asked quickly. Now, that was complicated.

Dean hedged, "I asked you first."

"Dean."

"No, I asked you first. Do you still love me?"

"Yes. Always," Cas said without hesitation.

Dean tried to ignore the way his heart leapt at that.

"Dean, how do you feel-" Cas started.

"I don't know," Dean said, honestly, "I think I feel something, or maybe I remember feeling something. I know I feel better when I'm around you. You don't know how much I...it's confusing. Everything is really confusing. I think the best I can do is friends for now."

Dean tried to ignore the hurt look on Cas' face. It helped that Cas tried to hide his reaction, but Dean still noticed the way Cas cast his gaze to the carpet in an attempt to hide the flicker of pain.

"I think I should go," Cas said.

"You don't have to," Dean said, "We can just relax. I promise I won't ask any more big questions." Scaring the guy off was the last thing he wanted to do.

Cas stood up. "I should really go," he said.

"Why?" Dean tried.

Cas sighed and met Dean's eyes. Cas looked tired, worse than tired. He looked exhausted. And sad. Dean tried not to let it affect him, but he couldn't help but feel responsible or at least like giving the poor guy a hug. Cas gave Dean a soft smile saturated with too much grief to be happy.

"Because you look like my fiancé," Cas said, "You have his face and his voice, but you're not him, so I'd rather not put myself through the pain right now."

Dean couldn't argue with that. He felt a sense of loss, too. But wishing he'd know Cas better or remember the lost time was one thing. He couldn't imagine the pain Cas felt. And he didn't have to. It was all right there on Cas' face that day in the hospital when he knew his Dean was dead. Instead, he squashed his disappointment and nodded.

As Cas got to the door, he said, "So, I'll come by in the morning around eight, okay?"

"You're still going to help me?" Dean asked. It was amazing but shocking nonetheless.

Cas replied, "Of course. What kind of friend would I be if I didn't?"

The relief Dean felt left him momentarily forgetting to keep boundaries with Cas. He hugged Cas tightly and said, "Thank you."

Cas pushed away from him, gasping slightly, and turned around to face the wall in the hallway.

"I'm sorry," Dean said, "I didn't think—I'm sorry."

Cas shook his head and turned back towards Dean. "It's okay," he said, "It's just hard."

Dean saw a tear roll down Cas' cheek. His hand wanted to wipe it away. He could almost remember doing just that. He fought the urge to touch Cas again and stuffed his hand in his pocket.

Cas wiped the tear away with his sleeve and said a quick, "I'm sorry." Dean watched as Cas walked swiftly down the hallway.

Cas paused at the stairwell. "I'll see you tomorrow," he said. Then, he was gone.

Dean's feet told him to go after him. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew he needed to chase after Cas and hold him and tell him that everything would be okay. But he squelched that urge, too. It would only make things worse. And he'd see Cas tomorrow.

Dean sighed and closed the apartment door. He rested his head against the inside of the door and seriously considered changing his name to Fuck-Up Winchester.


	22. To See If I Still Feel

A knock came at Sam's door.

"Gabriel," Sam addressed his ex coolly.

"Samantha," Gabriel replied with a smirk.

Sam rolled his eyes. "Seriously? Can we not do this?"

"Yeah, let's not," Gabriel said, "I came over to apologize anyway."

Sam leaned against the wall in his kitchen, hoping Gabriel wouldn't notice where the wall had dented from furniture hitting it.

Gabriel sighed, "I'm still seriously mad, but I'm making an effort. I'm sorry for how mad I got, but Luci being here was just too much. I fought so hard for you—"

"Gabriel, you saved me. Don't think I don't know that, but—" Sam started.

"But what, Sam? But you wanted me gone? But you broke my heart for no damn reason?"

Sam folded his arms across his chest. He said, "You didn't save me for me, you saved me for you." It felt so weird saying those words aloud, like it's what he'd been meaning to say but didn't have the words until just then.

"What?" Gabriel asked.

"You always wanted to be my savior, you should've just been my boyfriend," Sam said, "I never got to be strong on my own. I never learned to help myself. And now I—"

"Jesus, Sam. Why didn't you say something?"

"Look at our relationship, Gabe!" Sam shouted, "Our whole freaking everything was based on you helping me. That's how we fucking met! How could I even consider telling you? I know what that would do to you and—I love you, I would never—"

"Wait," Gabe said, fixing Sam with a strong amber stare, "You love me? Present tense?"

"Stop it," Sam said. Why had he let that slip out? He walked towards his bedroom just for some space to think. Why did he say that?

Gabe grabbed Sam's hand, stopped him, and turned him to face Gabe with a hand on his shoulder. "No," he said, "If you still have feelings for me, I'd like to know."

Sam sighed. He didn't want to have this conversation, but he didn't feel at all right about lying to Gabe either. "Of course I still have feelings for you. You were the best thing that ever happened to me."

Gabriel stared at Sam in shock, eyes wide, mouth open slightly. "I don't even—" Gabe sputtered, "Why the hell aren't we together?"

"Gabe, don't," Sam warned.

"Dammit, Sam! You still love me, and I sure as hell never stopped loving you. Explain to me why the fuck we broke up!" Gabe shouted.

"I was hurting you," Sam blurted, "And I couldn't—I can't."

Gabriel wouldn't relent. "I want to know, Sam," he pressed. Sam knew he deserved the truth, but he hesitated. This was something he really didn't want to get into. But Gabriel wanted to know. He deserved at least that much.

"I didn't want to hurt you," Sam said, looking at his feet.

"Well, fuck you very much. What the hell do you call this?" Gabriel shouted.

Sam looked him in the eye sharply. He really, very much did not want to fight with Gabriel. "The lesser evil," he said evenly.

"What the hell does that mean?" Gabriel asked, visibly calmer.

Sam stared at him. "Seriously?" he asked, "I…I hit you, Gabriel. It would've gotten worse. And I didn't—"

"That? That's why you—why this—are you fucking kidding? I told you it didn't matter!"

"It did matter! I was mad, and I hit you. It was…it is unforgivable."

"Sam, it happened once. I was drunk, I pissed you off, I knew I deserved it."

"I didn't want to be him!" Sam shouted.

Instantly, those amber eyes locked onto Sam's with such ferocity, Sam wanted to retract each and every one of his words. He couldn't control himself under that piercing gaze.

"You will never be Luci," Gabriel said.

Without hesitation, Gabe took two quick strides and pressed his lips to Sam's. Sam was so stunned he didn't return the kiss.

Gabe backed off quickly, and ran a shaky hand through his own hair. "I'm sorry," he said, "I don't know what I was thinking. I just…I miss you and…I'm sorry."

Sam didn't even think. He closed the distance between them and kissed Gabe back. It felt like going home after being away for much too long. Two years of unexpressed pain and longing found its place between their lips as they kissed harder and faster. Their tongues reunited sweetly, and for a few moments, the years they spent apart didn't exist.

But it couldn't last. Sam broke apart from Gabe and caught his breath.

"I'm sorry," Sam said.

Gabe looked at Sam and realized what he meant. "This doesn't change anything, does it?" he asked.

Sam shook his head. He still wasn't capable of the kind of relationship Gabe wanted and deserved.

"Dammit, Sam," Gabe said, brushing his hair out of his face, "Why not? Why can't we be together?"

"I was right," Sam explained, "I told you time and time again that I was too damaged for anyone to handle."

"You wouldn't let me try!" Gabe protested.

"I did," Sam said, "I did, and I hurt you."

"It was worth it."

"No, it wasn't."

"Four years, Sam," Gabriel said, "Four freaking years. Did none of that mean anything to you?"

Sam stared at Gabe. Was he serious? He couldn't possibly be serious. Gabriel looked like he was waiting for Sam to respond. Really?

"Of course it meant something. How could you even think—" Sam started.

"What am I supposed to think?" Gabe asked, "We were happy. You and me. We were finally happy. I loved you more than you can even imagine, and you were the one who told me to leave. You were the one who told me it was over. Just like that."

Sam sighed, "I couldn't keep hurting you. I watched for four years as you blamed yourself for my…you blamed yourself for me, and I just couldn't. You deserve better, Gabe."

Gabe slowly entwined his fingers with Sam's. Sam didn't try to remove his hand.

Gabriel said, "How many times have I told you this? There is no one better than you."

"Yes, there is," Sam said. It wasn't even that Sam was unworthy of Gabe's affection. It was that Gabe deserved the best person to be in love with. And Sam was the worst. And he knew it.

"No, there isn't. I've looked. I would know," Gabriel said. He ran a hand through Sam's hair, and Sam focused his gaze on the ground. Gabe continued, "You are the best man I have ever known, that I will ever know, and you won't even look me in the eye. Do you have any idea how that feels, Sam?"

Sam desperately wanted to lock himself in his room and hide. Gabe needed to love someone else, someone less broken.

"Leave me alone, Gabe," Sam said.

"No. Never. I will never leave you again. Sam, I love you, and I'll be here as long as you want me. And I know you want me."

Sam met Gabe's eyes and felt his world crumble all over again.

"You don't deserve Luci," Gabe said earnestly, "I didn't mean that. I should never have said that. I'm so sorry. You deserve me. And I deserve you. We can do this."

"It's too late," Sam said.

Gabe grinned, "No such thing, sweetie."

Sam pressed Gabe against the wall and kissed him hard. It was every kiss at once; their first, their last, their best, it was all of them. Sam dug his fingers in Gabe's hair while Gabe's hands ran over Sam's back with familiarity. Sam pressed himself flush with Gabe, who started pressing kisses in Sam's neck.

Sam gasped and asked, "Why do you do this to me?"

Gabe grinned and looked up at Sam. "Does this mean you've changed your mind?"

"If we do this, I have one major condition," Sam said, leaning back to look Gabe in the eye.

"I'm all ears," Gabe said happily.

Sam said, "The second that you don't want to be with me, you leave. No sticking around. Just go."

"Okay, no problem," Gabriel said, kissing Sam softly. When he broke away, Gabe said, "Because that is never going to happen."

Sam smiled and hugged Gabe tightly. For the first time in far too long, Sam felt truly happy.


	23. My Sweetest Friend

After four hours of sleep, Dean hopped in the shower to get ready for Cas. He had no idea what to wear, no idea how formal he should be, no idea what to expect, and no idea why he was so fucking nervous. He felt like a teenage girl getting ready for a dance. He didn't even know if they were going anywhere. He felt so stupid.

What was the matter with him? This was just a guy he used to be engaged to that he was a little attracted to taking time out of his day to help Dean maybe remember something. It wasn't a date, it wasn't awkward, and he could do this. Still, as he rinsed the shampoo out of his hair, he felt his confidence rush down the drain with it.

Cas showed up at 8am precisely. Dean quickly buttoned up his white dress shirt and smoothed back his hair as he went to answer the door.

"Wow," Cas said, "You look...dressed up."

"Should I change?" Dean asked. He knew he was being too formal. At least he'd decided on wearing jeans. Cas wore a pair of jeans and a black t-shirt. He looked great.

"No, you're okay," Cas said smiling, "Ready to go?"

Dean shrugged and said, "I guess so. Where are we going?"

"All over the place. I hope you have comfortable walking shoes," Cas said.

Dean glanced at his sneakers and hoped for the best, following Cas out the door.

"Our first stop is a few blocks from here," Cas said.

Dean asked, "What's our first stop? There are stops?"

Cas smiled and said, "If you're going to remember anything, I can't tell you unless you don't remember when we get there. But yes, there are stops. I'm taking you to the important places. You'll probably recognize the first one."

Dean figured that that was probably a good plan. He didn't question it, just followed Cas as they walked down the street.

Slowly, a silence seeped between them. Dean felt the urge to hold Cas' hand as they walked, but after last night, he really didn't want to push his luck. If one of them didn't talk soon, this whole thing would become very awkward.

"Here we are," Cas said, gesturing towards a building.

Cas was right; Dean did recognize it. It was Dean's apartment, or it had been. From what Dean could remember, he and Sam had just signed the lease on it.

"Yeah, I know this place," Dean said, "Charlie and Dorothy moved in with us here. Why are we here?"

Cas had something sad in his smile when he said, "I wanted to start with something more familiar. We can't go in since there's new renters, but the building still has a lot of memories in it. I believe you said you wanted to know about us?"

Dean nodded, staying quiet. He knew this was hard for Cas. The last thing he wanted to do was open his stupid mouth and say the wrong thing.

"When we first met," Cas began, leaning up against the brick of the apartment building, "You got horribly drunk. You told Jo to blow you. It was not pretty. So, I brought you here. Took a while to figure out where you lived from your slurring, but we made it. The next day, we decided to be friends."

Dean sat on the front steps, waiting for Cas to continue.

Cas took a deep breath and went on, "I started being here a lot since you were educating me on Doctor Who."

"You hadn't watched Doctor Who?" Dean asked.

"It's been nine years," Cas said smiling softly, "You're gonna need to catch up, too." Part of Dean was excited for so much of Doctor Who to be new to him, but mostly, he hated being behind.

"Anyway," Cas said, "There was a day that you got very drunk. Lisa had tried to get back together with you."

"Lisa...Braeden? But that was high school," Dean said.

"You dated her again. You were helping her raise Ben. You had just left her when we met," Cas said.

"Who's Ben?" Dean asked.

Cas knelt in front of Dean and put a hand on his knee. The heat from the contact sent Dean's heart racing, and he didn't want it to stop.

"Dean, Ben is Lisa's son," Cas said, "If you get your memory back, you're going to hate yourself for forgetting Ben. So, don't, okay? None of this is your fault."

Dean nodded. He must've really cared about that kid to illicit that sort of response from Cas.

Cas backed away from Dean and resumed leaning on the building.

Dean asked, "Anyway, she wanted me back, I got drunk, then what?"

"Then, I went to get you again. You kissed me that night. And apologized for it. And avoided me for weeks. But you kissed me. After you figured yourself out and I cornered you at the Roadhouse, we started dating. Shortly after that, you found out I was homeless-"

"You were homeless? What?"

"Not in the sense you're thinking. I didn't have my own place, so I'd just bounce from friend's house to friend's house. It's not all that different than what I'm doing now," Cas said.

Guilt ripped at Dean. "I'm sorry, Cas," he said.

"Don't do that. It was my choice to leave. It's okay," Cas said.

Dean tried not to feel like the worst person on the planet, but it wasn't very effective.

"Like I was saying, you found out I was essentially homeless and asked me to move in here," Cas said, gesturing to the building, "This was basically our first place. You made it my first real home, anyway. A lot happened here, but here's the cliff notes version. After what happened with Sam, you kicked me out."

"What happened with Sam?" Dean asked.

Cas sighed, "You'll have to ask him. It's not my place to tell you."

Dean nodded reluctantly, realizing there were probably some things that Sam wasn't sharing with him.

Cas said, "Anyway, I was stabbed out here, and Sam tried to kill himself in there, so that summer we moved out to the apartment you're in now."

"What?" Dean asked, "Sam tried to-you were-what?"

"Sam had a tough time, but he's gotten much better. It's been six years since any of that happened. He went to therapy. He's fine. If you want to know anything else about it, you'll have to ask him," Cas said.

Dean nodded, finding it hard to swallow that information. There were definitely quite a number of things that Sam had left out. Great.

"And you were stabbed?" Dean asked.

Cas nodded, "It was just a mugging. It wasn't even that bad. I have a scar, but it's really faint."

"I kicked you out, and you were stabbed?" Dean asked.

Cas sighed, "No. You kicked me out, I didn't go to anyone else's place to stay, and then I got stabbed. Definitely my fault, not yours. Don't go blaming yourself for something that happened six years ago that you can't even remember."

Dean sighed. Cas did sort of have a point.

"Ready for the next stop?" Cas asked, "I promise it'll be more fun." Dean stood up and followed Cas.

As they walked down Clark, Cas seemed visibly more relaxed. Occasionally, he would glance over at Dean, and Dean really wanted to know what was on the guy's mind. Cas did seem pretty cool, and Dean could see how easily they became friends. He felt really comfortable around him.

Soon, they were standing outside of Lincoln Park Zoo.

"What are we doing here?" Dean asked.

Cas grinned, "We come here every year for my birthday."

"Really?" Dean asked.

Cas nodded and walked inside. Going to the zoo seemed like a little kid thing, and the number of small children running around was alarming, but the way Cas' eyes lit up when he saw a beaver or a sea lion made it clear why Dean was okay with this birthday tradition.

They walked over to the big cat area.

As Cas watched a leopard walking in its enclosure, Dean asked, "So, when is your birthday?"

Cas smiled at him. It wasn't exactly a happy smile, but it wasn't entirely sad. Dean didn't know what to make of it.

"You want to know my birthday?" Cas asked.

Dean nodded.

"Why?" Cas asked.

"I knew your birthday at one point," Dean said, "And if we're going to be friends or more or whatever, I should probably know when to throw a party or something."

"More?" Cas asked, tilting his head curiously.

Dean swallowed. This was Cas. They'd been engaged. He could do this.

"More. Like if we wanted to start over or something," Dean said. He thought he felt himself blushing. Crap.

Cas asked, "Like dating again?"

Dean shrugged, "If you wanted to, I mean."

"Do you even like me?" Cas asked, skeptically.

"Of course I like you," Dean said quickly, "You're smart, interesting, cute. What's not to like?"

"Let's discuss this over lunch, okay?" Cas said.

Dean nodded. He didn't want to push Cas. He'd already done so much damage by being an idiot. But maybe they could do it. Maybe they could start over. It would probably suck for a while, but maybe they could make new memories. Maybe they could be happy.

After wandering around the zoo for a while longer, Cas watching the multitude of animals, and Dean watching Cas have such childlike wonder on his face, Cas took Dean to lunch just a block away from the zoo. It was a small restaurant with no sign on it. A set of stairs led them into the tiny, dark interior.

"What is this place?" Dean asked.

Cas laughed, "That's always the question." A waitress led them to a table and handed them menus.

As she walked away, Cas said, "This is the Oven Grinder. You tried to take us here on one of our first dates, but it's cash only, so we couldn't stay. It's a good pizza place, though, so we've been here a few times. You never know the name of this place, though."

Dean grinned. He probably wouldn't remember the name of it after this either.

"So, dating," Cas said slowly, "Are you sure?"

Dean nodded, "Yeah. If I get my memory back, I'm going to want to be with you. If not, I still want to give this a try. Either way, I think we should be together."

Cas laughed sadly, his eyes tearing up a little, "I'm a guy, Dean, if you haven't noticed."

"That didn't stop me before," Dean said, "And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't attracted to you now."

Cas looked at Dean, shocked. He recovered quickly and looked at his hands.

"I can't tell you how happy that makes me," Cas said, "But you just started talking to me yesterday. This is the first time we've hung out since before the accident. I think we should probably take it slow, just be friends for now, okay?"

Dean understood. Cas was right. It just felt so right to jump into it. He didn't know why, but not being able to date Cas felt like not being able to get home. But Cas was right. He had very valid points. They could just be friends for a while.

Cas said, "But I would like to start again, Dean. Just not right now. I need a little time." The clarification did make Dean feel a bit better, but him not being with Cas still felt so wrong.

After they had some of the best Greek style bread and upside down pizza Dean had ever tasted, Cas paid for their meal, and they continued to the next spot.

"You'll definitely recognize this spot," Cas said as they walked.

They were already at the edge of the city, so Dean could only guess, "We're going to the lake?"

"Yep," Cas said.

They walked past the Lincoln Park area to the beach. Lake Michigan stretched before them as a great expanse of blue and sky. Dean remembered taking Sam to the beach as kids. They'd joke about swimming across the lake to Michigan and suddenly being in a different state. Of course, then they'd joke about being eaten by mysterious sea monsters living in the depths of the lake.

Dean and Cas took off their shoes as they approached the sandy shores.

"So, why are we here?" Dean asked.

Cas smiled, "This is where Charlie and Dorothy got married. They had their wedding ceremony on the beach with just Sam, Gabriel, you, and me. They had the reception at the convention center on Michigan, but the ceremony was here."

Dean grinned. They would have a wedding on a beach. The cool lake air felt nice, and it ruffled Cas' hair in a way that made the light catch beautifully. Dean could manage to be friends. He could manage to stop checking out Cas all the time. He could do it.

"Want to walk with me?" Cas asked.

Dean said, smiling, "Yeah."

Cas smiled at him and walked over to the shoreline. They walked in the wet sand as the shallow waves washed over their feet.

"I've missed this," Cas said.

"Missed what?" Dean asked.

"Being with you, just relaxing and enjoying the day," Cas said, "Before you got shot, we were so busy with wedding stuff, it had been a while since we really took time to just enjoy anything, you know?"

Dean nodded, trying to understand. Maybe it was for the best they were getting a redo.

"We also came to the beach a lot on our half anniversaries," Cas said, "Since our anniversary was in the winter."

"What day was our anniversary?" Dean asked. There was so much he didn't know.

"December 9th," Cas answered, "And my birthday is September 18th, by the way."

Dean grinned. He didn't think he was going to get an answer to that one.

They spent most of the day walking along the beach, talking. Dean could feel himself getting more and more comfortable, appreciating Cas in more and more ways. Being just friends was going to be very tricky. They got into a few sand fights and water fights.

By the time they started getting hungry, they were soaked and had sand in more places than not.

"I was going to take us to a special restaurant for dinner, but it's sort of a formal place, and we're a bit of a mess," Cas said.

"Anything special about this restaurant?" Dean asked.

Cas said, "We went there on our last anniversary."

Dean grinned, "Why don't we go anyway?"

Cas laughed, "And get kicked out for getting their carpet wet?"

Dean smiled impishly, "Could be fun."

"You know what? Okay," Cas said, "Let's go."

Five blocks and ten minutes later, Cas and Dean were handed to-go boxes, because Cas was right. They were too much of a mess for the restaurant staff to be willing to handle.

"So, what now?" Dean asked as he ripped off pieces of his steak and ate it like finger food.

Cas watched Dean eat and laughed, "Really?"

"What? I'm hungry," Dean defended.

"Well, while we eat, we can walk around Michigan Avenue," Cas suggested.

"Is there anything special about Michigan Avenue?" Dean asked, taking another bite.

Cas shrugged as they started walking. "I guess so," he said, "We used to come down here whenever we ditched class or called in sick for work. It's sort of our go to hang out when we're supposed to be somewhere else."

Well, it was something.

Dean stopped walking for a moment and looked at Cas.

"What?" Cas asked.

Dean asked, "Do you want to go see a movie?"

Cas paused for a moment and regarded Dean. "Why?" he asked.

"I want to spend more time with you," Dean said, "As friends, as boyfriends, I don't care. I just want to spend time with you."

Cas considered it, looking down at the ground. When he looked up he said, "Okay. What movie?"

"Does it matter?" Dean asked.

It was late when the movie got out. It was so late, it was actually quite early. The movie had been nice, sitting with Cas had been nice. They wound up watching some action movie, and while it was a decent movie, that wasn't why Dean wanted to see a movie with Cas. Sitting with him in the dark, keeping his hands to himself hadn't been the easiest thing. Everything made him want to hold Cas' hand or put a hand on his leg or something. Still, it had been nice; it had gotten him more time with Cas.

Dean and Cas walked down the lamp lit street looking at the dark store windows in silence. It was a comfortable silence, though, which was different. Dean felt like they'd done this before, like he was the having the weirdest sense of deja vu.

"Last stop," Cas said.

Dean asked, "There are more stops?"

Cas gestured across the street.

"Millennium Park?" Dean asked, "How is that about us?"

Cas smiled and led him across the street. The sun was starting to brighten the sky, lighting up the metal of the band shell.

They walked past the empty ice rink.

"This was where we went on our first date. We also hung out here before we were dating, but I still sort of count that as a date, too. It's just kind of our spot," Cas explained, "I know it's early. I just—I felt like coming here with you."

Cas walked over to the guard rail around the band shell and leaned on it, looking at the lit up metallic structure. Dean leaned on the rail next to him.

"It's really nice here in the morning like this," Cas said. With the way Cas looked in the middle of the city as dawn formed around them, Dean couldn't agree more.

He could almost feel his fingers running through Cas' hair. Then, he could feel it. Like he'd done it a thousand times. Slowly, Dean reached out and touched Cas' hair.

"Dean, what are you doing?" Cas asked.

Dean retracted his hand. "Sorry, it just felt familiar," he said.

Cas seemed to understand. "Well, if it felt familiar, I won't stop you. It could help," he said.

Dean ran his fingers through Cas' hair like he'd been doing it his entire life. Nothing felt more familiar, more like home.

Cas leaned into the touch.

Dean looked into Cas' too blue eyes.

His fingers knew this. They knew the texture of Cas' thick hair. They knew where to travel from each point. His eyes knew this. They knew that strong jaw, those electric blue eyes, that pale skin.

Cas stared back at Dean. This was familiar. His fingers knew, his eyes knew, he could almost taste Cas' lips on his.

Almost wasn't good enough.

Dean slowly, softly kissed Cas, pressing their lips together in a chaste but full kiss. And he kissed the lips he'd kissed a thousand times before. There was something there, something so familiar, and there it was.

It clicked.

He knew him. He knew Cas. It was like he'd been away, and he couldn't figure out why he hadn't remembered for so long. Dean broke the kiss. All he could think of was the man in front of him. Seeing him play pool with Benny, waking up to his sleepy smile, listening to his singing in the shower, feeling him everywhere and anywhere he went. Everything hit him at once.

Voice thick from the rush of memory, Dean said to Cas, "I remember you."


	24. I'll Be The One If You Want Me To

Gabe tasted better than Sam remembered. It had been too long, way too long. Gabe broke the make out session and just looked at Sam in a way that made Sam want to melt to the floor from affection.

"Thank you," Gabe said, smiling.

Sam laid his head on the back of the sofa, still looking at Gabe. "For what?" he asked.

Gabe said quietly, "For wanting me again."

Sam reached for Gabe's hand and squeezed it. "I never stopped," he said, "I'm sorry for making you think otherwise."

Gabe wrapped his arms around Sam and hugged him tightly.

"This is definitely making up for it," Gabe said.

Sam grinned and kissed his boyfriend. Quickly, Sam invaded Gabe's mouth with his tongue and pulled back almost immediately, grinning.

Gabe gasped and said, "Tease."

"I think we should discuss how we're gonna do this," Sam said.

"Do what?"

"This. Us."

"What needs discussing?" Gabe asked, backing up to look at Sam properly, "We're together."

Sam held Gabe's hands in his and said, "Just establishing some ground rules. Nothing major."

"Ground rules. I have a feeling I'm not gonna like this," Gabe said.

"I don't want to go too fast," Sam said.

Gabe smirked, "You know, I've already seen you naked."

Sam grinned and said, "That's not what I'm talking about. I don't want to move in together right away or start sleeping together right away."

"So, you want to go slow with commitment?" Gabe asked.

Sam sighed, "Just for a little while so we can ease back into it. I just want to be sure that this is really what we both want."

Gabe said earnestly, "But it is what we both want. It's what I want, anyway. You know that."

Sam smiled at Gabe and ran a hand through his boyfriend's hair to calm him. "I love you, Gabe," he said, "Just humor me, okay?"

Gabe sighed but smiled when he said, "Okay. Taking it slow for now. I knew I wouldn't like the ground rules, but if it makes you comfortable, it's fine by me."

Sam yawned, and Gabe checked his watch.

"It's almost 5am," Gabe said, "How tired are you?"

Sam shrugged. He was pretty worn out. After answering the door to Gabe and starting over with him, his day was nothing if not emotionally intense.

On the other hand, he didn't want Gabe to leave.

"I'm fine," Sam said.

Gabe grinned, "You look like you're gonna pass out. I could sleep over, though, if you wanted."

Sam sighed happily. He never thought he'd decline having Gabe in his bed.

"Taking it slow, remember?" Sam said, "How about I drive you home, and when we're up, we go out for breakfast and spend the rest of the day together?"

Gabe leaned forward and kissed Sam. "I'd like that," he said.

Slowly, Gabe got up off the couch and got his shoes on.

"How early do you want me awake?" Gabe asked as he opened the door for Sam.

For the first time, it occurred to Sam that his nightmares might stop now. He grabbed Gabe's hand as they walked into the hallway.

"How much sleep do you want to get?" Sam asked.

"Depends on if Adam's home," Gabe said, "I'll definitely be up by nine."

"So, I'll pick you up at ten?" Sam asked.

Gabe said, "Sure," and squeezed Sam's hand gently. Sam loved this, and God, he'd missed this.

They got to Sam's car, and seeing Gabe in the passenger seat was simply the best feeling in the world. This was right.

On the way to Gabe's, Gabe looked over at Sam and said, "So, Sam Winchester said he's dating me again."

"No kidding," Sam said, playing along.

Gabe laughed, "I definitely didn't see it coming."

"Me neither," Sam said, "But it's really awesome."

"You know what else would be awesome?" Gabe asked.

"Hmm?" Sam asked.

Gabe said, "Knowing where we were going for breakfast."

"Yeah, where am I taking you tomorrow?" Sam asked.

"The Egg Basket's nice," Gabe suggested.

Sam nodded and said, "We could go to the Egg Basket."

Gabe scooted over and rested his head against Sam's arm while Sam drove. Sam almost wanted to cry from how much he'd missed this.

"So, when do you think I'll be able to spend the night?" Gabe asked.

"Gabe," Sam warned lightly.

Gabe looked up at Sam and smiled innocently. "Can't blame me for asking," he said.

Sam pulled up to the curb in front of Gabe's building.

"Hey, Sam," Gabe said, sitting up straight in his seat, "Not to be a dick or anything, but I don't exactly live here anymore."

Sam looked over at Gabe apologetically.

"It's okay, you didn't know," Gabe said, "I live a couple blocks down that way." He gestured down a street, and Sam pulled away from the curb.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have just assumed," Sam said.

Gabe looked over at Sam and said, "It's fine. It's not like it's far. I should've been paying attention anyway."

Sam tried not to feel bad, but it was Gabe's family's place that he took him to. He was struggling to keep his resolve that they take things slow.

"Turn here," Gabe said.

Sam turned as instructed.

"Do you want to come in at all?" Gabe asked.

Sam shook his head and said, "I want to hang out more. I really do. But if I'm gonna get home in one piece, I should go before I pass out."

Gabe nodded. "Here it is," he said.

Sam looked at the small building and tried desperately not to feel awful. He'd given Dean such crap over kicking Cas out, and he'd done the same thing to Gabe but for much, much longer.

Gabe sighed, "I know the building's not much. It's the blemishes that make her beautiful, though, right? Anyway, get some sleep. I'll see you at ten."

Sam nodded and kissed Gabe softly on the lips. "Goodnight," he said.

"I love you," Gabe said, "Wait, is saying that moving too fast?"

Sam smiled at Gabe's teasing and said, "Stop it. I love you, too."

Gabe laughed, "Sorry, couldn't help it. Get home safe."

Gabe climbed out of Sam's car and walked inside his apartment. Sam was so lucky to have that man back in his life. He pulled away from the curb and headed home.

When he got back to his apartment, he grabbed his keys and stumbled in the door. This was going to be the best sleep of his life.

He kicked off his shoes and dropped his keys on top of the sofa when he saw the kitchen light was on. Going to investigate, however, stopped his heart cold. He knew he hadn't left that light on.

Leaning on Sam's kitchen counter, Luci said, "Hi, Sam."


	25. But I Remember Everything

"I remember you."

"Excuse me?" Cas asked.

"Cas, I'm so sorry," Dean said.

Dean was lying. He had to be. Cas knew there was a chance for regaining memory, but it was slim. He was just trying to make him feel better or more okay with dating again.

"Don't lie to me," Cas said.

Dean said, "Cas, I'm not lying."

Cas tried not to completely lose it. Why was he doing this?

"I can't do this," Cas said. He looked at Dean briefly. No, he couldn't do this. He turned and started to walk away. God, this had been a bad idea.

"Castiel," Dean called.

Cas paused and stared at him. "Where did you hear that name?" he asked.

Dean said softly, meeting Cas' gaze, "You told me. When we met."

He couldn't get his hopes up. He knew Dean would say anything to show Cas he was trying.

"So, Sam or Charlie mentioned it. Good to know," Cas said.

Dean shook his head and looked at Cas with his sad, green eyes, "No. I remember. I do, I swear. Why would I lie about this?"

"Because you want everything to be okay. I know you."

Dean sighed and held Cas' hand, "I told you when we first started dating in the back lot behind the Roadhouse. I knew I was going to hurt you. I'm so sorry, Cas."

Cas was about to withdraw his hand but stopped. He couldn't know about that.

"Dean?" Cas tried.

Dean kissed Cas hard on the lips and hugged him tightly.

"I remember. I remember walking through Millennium Park with you, I remember kissing you in the Roadhouse, I remember giving you a ring for Christmas and giving it to you again as a promise. I remember giving you half of my closet and filling it with the clothes I didn't wear and you seemed to like. I remember studying with you for classes," he said, "I remember falling asleep listening to you breathe. And waking up while you were still sleeping. I remember how excited you were when you started shadowing for your teaching position. I remember how upset you were when I told you that Gabe was dead to me after what happened with him and Sam. I remember those damned blue eyes of yours. I remember you. I'm so sorry."

He took a breath against Cas' shoulder shakily.

Cas was stunned. He didn't know what to say, but he felt like crying, and he definitely believed him. He had his Dean back. It was more than he could've ever hoped for.

Dean said quickly, "I'm so, so sorry, Cas. I can't believe I did this to you. I'm sorry for that stupid fight. I should've never walked away. I'm sorry."

Cas rubbed his back and tried to keep his voice steady, "It's not your fault. It's okay. You're back now. I love you."

"I love you, too, Cas."

Cas felt like his heart was going to jump out of his chest. He missed hearing those words so badly. He felt like he was dreaming.

Dean backed away from Cas a step so he could look him in the eye. "I remember proposing to you, Cas. Let me do it right this time," he said.

Dean got down on his knees and held Cas' hands, "If you'll still have me, I'd still like to marry you."

Cas couldn't hold it in any longer. Tears rolled down his cheeks as he smiled at Dean. This was more than he could have hoped for.

"Yes," Cas said, "Of course. Of course, I'll marry you. Yes."

Dean stood back up, smiling.

Cas kissed Dean repeatedly before hugging him tightly. This felt too good to be true.

"I missed you so much," Cas said, muffled by Dean's shoulder.

Dean hugged Cas back. "I'm not going anywhere," he said.

They stayed like that for a while, hugging each other in the early morning shine of Millennium Park.

After a while, Dean whispered against Cas' neck, "Come home with me."

Cas stared at Dean. Home. He could go home. But the look of pure affection in Dean's eyes told Cas he was already home.

When they arrived back at their apartment, words could not express how lucky Dean felt. He couldn't shake the feeling that he'd had a fog in his head that had finally lifted. He remembered not remembering Cas, and it was seriously the most surreal feeling he'd had in his life. But all that mattered right then was Cas.

Dean kissed Cas hard on the lips as Cas tried to unlock the door. Cas kissed him back, and Dean pressed Cas against the door.

Dean had missed Cas terribly. And it was the weirdest feeling to know it was him that had been keeping them apart. Dean fully intended to worship every inch of Cas the second they got to the bedroom.

Cas ran a hand through Dean's hair as his tongue stroked Dean's, and he managed to fumble the key in the lock enough to stumble through the door.

They got inside, and it was all they could do to keep from having sex in the doorway. Screw getting to the bedroom. Cas kissed a slow trail down Dean's neck as Dean led Cas to the couch.

Dean lowered Cas down on the couch and straddled his fiancé while kissing Cas deeply. Dean's hand wandered up under Cas' shirt. Cas moaned against Dean's mouth. With that moan, Dean knew what he needed to do. He slowly inched Cas' shirt off of him, breaking the kisses only to lift the shirt over Cas' head.

"Dean," Cas sighed.

Dean grinned. Oh, yes. He knew precisely what to do. Dean pressed soft kisses into Cas' chest and stomach and upper pelvis, stopping at Cas' jeans.

"Did I tell you how hot you look today?" Dean asked, opening Cas' fly.

Cas grinned, "I think the word you used was 'attractive.'"

Dean adjusted to pull off Cas' jeans and boxers in one motion.

He leaned down to Cas' neck and murmured, "Attractive doesn't cover it. You're drop dead gorgeous today, baby."

Cas smiled at Dean as Dean removed his own shirt, pants, and boxers.

"And you were kinda dressed up today," Cas said, "Any reason for that?"

Dean resumed his position straddling Cas' hips now that they were both naked and said, "I didn't know what to wear, so I threw something together. I was a bit nervous."

Dean scooted back to kneel between Cas' legs as Cas laughed, "You were nervous?"

"Of course I was nervous," Dean said, smiling, "It was our second first date. Sort of a big deal."

"And how did our second first date rank?" Cas asked.

Dean licked his lips and grinned. He said, "You tell me."

Before Cas could say anything else, Dean had his mouth around Cas' cock, making Cas gasp with pleasure. Dean sucked gently, enjoying each and every aroused sound coming out of his fiancé's mouth. Listening to Cas fall apart told Dean which motions to replicate, which flicks of his tongue got the best reactions.

As Cas' penis started to throb, Dean released his fiancé with a small pop. He reached between the couch cushions and pulled up a small bottle of lube.

Cas, still catching his breath, asked, "Dean, why is there lube in our couch?"

"Oh, like I'm not going to watch porn on my hi-def TV," Dean said.

Cas rolled his eyes, but his expression was so blissed out, Dean couldn't quite take Cas' reaction to the secret lube too seriously. Dean put some lube on his fingers and, with one finger, slowly started prepping Cas' entrance.

Cas gasped and said, "I love you."

"I know," Dean said, grinning. As he slid his second finger in, eliciting a vocal response from Cas, Dean said, "I love you, too."

Once he felt Cas begin to relax, Dean put in a third finger for good measure. Cas closed his eyes and moaned. That moan was the sweetest thing Dean ever heard.

"I want you," Cas said. Dean slipped his fingers out and quickly slicked himself.

Slowly, Dean lined himself up and slid in.

Cas gasped and took a deep breath.

Gently, Dean started to move once he felt Cas had adjusted to the intrusion. His thrusts started small as he gazed at the look of ecstasy on Cas' face. "Marry me," he murmured.

Cas moaned a soft, "Yes."

Dean leaned in, kissing Cas hard, as he made each thrust faster, harder, and deeper. Cas squirmed, but Dean had done this enough times to know when Cas was in pain or just really enjoying himself. Softly, in time with each thrust, Dean used one hand to stroke up Cas' shaft.

"Dean," Cas gasped, "Are you trying to kill me?"

Dean kissed Cas instead of answering and used both hands to pull Cas' hips closer to him to intensify the next thrust. A loud moan ripped from Cas' throat, and Dean knew he had him close to the edge. Dean was close, himself. So, he did it again. Cas gasped, and Dean quickly resumed giving Cas a small hand-job.

"Dean," Cas moaned, "Jesus."

Dean kissed him hard and full, invading his mouth slightly with tongue, while still stroking and thrusting. Within seconds, Dean reached his release inside Cas. Using his free hand, he ran his fingers through Cas' hair.

Cas cum spilled over Dean's other hand and onto their stomachs with a small cry. Dean pressed against Cas once more before pulling out completely and stroking Cas' cheek and neck with his dry hand.

He kissed Cas softly again and again, luxuriating in the feel of Cas' lips.

Cas slowly pulled back and looked at Dean.

"I love you so much," Dean whispered, staring into Cas' lust blown eyes.

He lightly nibbled Cas' earlobe and watched as Cas' soft skin erupted in goose bumps.

"I remember that," Dean said, smiling.

Cas sighed with mock frustration and pulled Dean back down into a deep, full kiss. "Dean," he said as they broke the kiss, "We're a mess."

"I'd say so. Don't move," Dean said. He got up and grabbed a hand towel from the kitchen.

"But we clean with that," Cas protested.

"And we're cleaning with it," Dean said, wiping his stomach off, "We can wash it later."

Cas sighed but kept smiling at Dean. Dean knelt next to the couch and used the towel to wipe Cas' stomach down gently. After it was clean, Dean pressed a light kiss to Cas' stomach and smiled at him.

"This reminds me of that time we did body shots at that gay bar," Dean said.

Cas laughed, "Oh, God. I thought we promised never to talk about that. And if you'll recall, I did the shot off of you, not the other way around like this."

Dean grinned and kissed Cas' stomach again.

Cas, returning the smile, said, "So, that was...unexpected."

"I missed you," Dean explained.

"I missed you, too," Cas said, "And don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoyed the sex, but don't you ever get shot again."

Dean sighed, "About that...I'm strongly considering quitting my job."

"What?" Cas asked, sitting up, "Really?"

Dean nodded and said, "Yeah, I'm not usually in harm's way at work, but after all of this...I was thinking about it a few weeks ago, actually. Being a cop comes with risks. It might not have been why I got shot, but I'd really rather not go through all this again."

"What are you going to do for work, then?" Cas asked.

Dean shrugged. "Well, I do still enjoy working on cars. I could go back to doing that," he said.

Cas seemed to understand when he said, "If it's what you want, I'll help however I can."

"Thanks, Cas," Dean said.

Cas looked at Dean and almost cautiously asked, "Dean, do you remember what happened when you got shot?"

Dean nodded. "I remember most of it," he said, "Benny was there. There was a kid who tried to mug me. Then, I heard a gunshot and felt really funny. Next thing I knew, I was at the hospital, but I didn't remember getting shot then. God, this is confusing."

"Benny was there?" Cas asked.

Dean nodded.

"Well, that would explain how he got to you so fast, I guess," Cas said, "He kind of saved your life."

Dean really needed to thank him when he got the chance.

"We should probably call Sam and tell him you got your memory back," Cas said.

"Yeah, we should, except it's really late, and we're naked on our couch," Dean pointed out.

Sam would probably want to know regardless of the time, but it was really very late.

Then, it hit him.

Sam.

Shit.

"Cas, we need to go over there right now," Dean said.

Cas furrowed his brow in confusion. "Why?" he asked.

Dean pulled his pants on without boxers and grabbed his shirt. He said, "I went to Sam's before I called you. Luci was there."

"What?!" Cas asked, alarmed. He grabbed his clothes quickly.

Dean pulled his shoes on as Cas haphazardly hopped a leg into his jeans.

Dean grabbed his phone and called Sam as they hurried to Dean's car.

Sam's voicemail kicked in immediately.

"Fuck," Dean said, turning on his Impala.

Cas clicked his seat belt on and asked, "What is it?"

"No answer," Dean said.

As they sped towards Sam's apartment, Dean prayed that his brother's phone was dead and that all else was fine.


	26. Anywhere I Would've Followed You

"What the hell are you doing in my kitchen?" Sam snapped.

"Well, after last time, I wasn't sure you'd let me in," Luci said, "So, I let myself in."

"How?" Sam asked, "And why?"

"Spare key in the mailbox, and I wanted to talk," Luci said.

Sam really wished he'd charged his phone. If it wasn't dead, he'd call the police. What this fuck was wrong with his ex? Did he seriously break into his mailbox to get a damn key?

"Talk? Do you have any idea what time it is?" Sam asked, incredulous. Of all the times to want to talk, 6am? Really?

Luci said, "I made coffee."

"You-wait, what?" Sam asked. There was, in fact, a pot of coffee sitting in Sam's coffee maker.

"I...made coffee," Luci said, "Because it's late…or early, and I figured you'd be tired."

Sam ran a hand down the side of his face in disbelief. What the hell was going on?

"Get out," Sam said.

"Just give me five minutes," Luci said.

"No," Sam said, "Get out of my kitchen and my apartment. You shouldn't be here."

"C'mon, Sam," Luci said, "Just hear me out."

Sam walked into the kitchen and stared at Luci icily. "No," he said.

Luci scoffed, "Rude. At least take a seat. I mean this is your house, and I'm here, keeping you up. Come. Sit."

Sam grabbed Luci's arm to haul him out of the kitchen.

Luci ripped his arm from Sam and said, "Fine. I get it. Just don't let the coffee go to waste. I already poured us cups."

Luci walked out of the kitchen.

Sam tried not to feel guilty, and it wasn't hard to do. Luci had no business being in Sam's apartment, and Sam just wanted him gone. Guilt didn't have a role here. All he wanted to do now was find the spare key and destroy it. Maybe he'd give it to Gabe.

Sam glanced at the coffee mugs. Why the hell was Luci even there? Luci walked to the door and turned the doorknob.

Sam picked up a mug and went to dump it. On the way to the sink, he took a good sip from it. It wasn't the worst coffee he'd ever had, but he was definitely going to dump the pot. What the hell was Luci thinking?

"You like it?" Luci asked.

Sam jumped, put the mug down roughly on the counter, and asked, "Didn't you leave?"

"C'mon, Sam. We can't just talk? You can let me in," Luci pressed.

Sam sighed. Luci needed to get the hell out of his apartment. He took a step towards his ex and faltered, gripping the edge of the counter before falling on his face. His head swam. Getting sick was not on the agenda when Luci was still there. He could get sick later. But it came on very suddenly. He tried to fight the fogginess in his head. Sam blinked a few times. His head pounded.

"You okay, Sam?" Luci asked.

Sam shook his head. That was a horrible idea. As he shook his head, the blood rush seized his head in a vice of pain. He tried to right himself, but the room was spinning a bit. The feeling was so disorienting. It wasn't any kind of sickness he'd felt before.

"What did you do?" Sam gasped.

Luci went to Sam and helped him to a chair. "C'mon, Sam. You seem really out of it," he said.

"Did you...spike the coffee?" Sam asked weakly.

"Why would I do something like that?" Luci asked, "I just wanted to talk. But now that you mention it, I may have dropped some ketamine in there."

Sam was screwed. Sam was so screwed. Why had he let Luci come over? This was bad.

"Why would you-" Sam started.

"Because you weren't listening," Luci said, bringing his face far too close to Sam's. "I wanted to talk," he said, "I wanted to show you how we could be happy together. You loved me once. We could have that again if you gave me the time of day. But no. No, you threw me out. I may not have been very gentle with you when we were together, but you're strong, Sam. It only made you stronger. If you hadn't left, imagine how strong you'd be now."

Luci crashed his fist into the side of Sam's head. The edges of his vision turned black. Whether it was from the drugs or the blow to the head, Sam couldn't tell.

"Do I have your attention now?" Luci asked.

Luci was insane. He had to be. Reasoning with him wouldn't do any good. Sam blinked slowly, but it didn't help with the fuzzy vision.

"How much ketamine did you put in the coffee?" Sam asked tentatively.

Luci said with a grin, "Enough." Sam thanked God that he wasn't dead.

"You could've killed me," Sam snapped.

"Oh, don't be silly," Luci said, "I wouldn't have let you drink the whole thing."

Sam's vision blurred again. He needed to get out of there. Using every ounce of effort he could muster, he tried to stand up. His legs didn't want to cooperate, but he gave himself enough momentum to slide to the floor.

"Oh, Sam," Luci said, voice full of pity, "It's hard to believe you were the guy who saved my life once."

Sam ignored him and closed his eyes, his vision no longer doing him any good. He started to crawl to the door.

Luci grabbed the back of Sam's shirt.

"Ah ah ah. I can't let you do that, Sam," Luci said. Sam tried to struggle, but it was a useless fight. Sam collapsed as his arms succumbed to the ketamine.

"Why...me?" Sam managed to ask, "Why...do you...want me?"

Luci knelt down and cradled Sam in his arms, a sensation that sent disturbed and uncomfortable chills through Sam's body. He said, "You're the one, Sam. It's always been you. You're meant to be with me."

"That'll never happen," Sam said, voice barely above a whisper.

Luci stroked Sam's hair. That was the last thing Sam felt before he was completely gone.


	27. And I Am Feeling So Small

When Dean and Cas pulled up to Sam's apartment, the sun was starting to come up. It was a lot later, or earlier, than Dean had thought. As they parked the car, Dean popped his 1911 pistol out of the glove box. He really hoped he wouldn't have to use it.

They ran into the building, and Dean froze. The door to Sam's mailbox was ripped off its hinges. Shit.

Cas headed up the stairs to Sam's apartment with Dean close behind. When they got up there, Sam's apartment door stood ajar. Fuck.

Dean pulled out his gun and told Cas, "Stay behind me."

Cas nodded and followed Dean closely.

Dean nudged the door open and slipped inside. Two cups of coffee sat on the counter. The table and chairs stood empty. On the top of the couch was Sam's keys. Sam's shoes were over by the door. Nothing really seemed out of place.

Dean motioned for Cas to stay in the living room. He quickly checked the remaining rooms. The whole place was empty. Where the hell was Sam?

"No one's here," Dean said, rejoining Cas near the couch.

Cas suggested, "Maybe he's with Gabriel. The two of them have been kind of—"

Dean pulled out his phone and dialed.

"Dean?" Gabriel asked when he answered his phone.

"Gabriel," Dean said, "Have you seen Sam?"

"Yeah, I saw him about two hours ago. Why?" Gabriel said.

"His apartment door was ajar, his mailbox was ripped open, and he's not here," Dean said.

Gabriel asked, "Is his car still there?"

Dean asked Cas, "Is Sam's car here? I didn't see it."

"I'll check," Cas said. He walked out the door quickly.

"Cas is going to look for his car," Dean said.

Gabriel didn't say anything for a bit, and Dean had to check his phone to make sure he was still on the line.

"So, how's your head?" Gabriel asked.

Dean said, "You lived with us for four years, you've been one of my best friends for much longer, you saved my brother, and you're family."

"Oh, so your brain's fixed now. Good," Gabriel said.

"And since we're on the topic," Dean said, "Why did you tell me you weren't important?"

"I knew you weren't going to remember me. I didn't want to stress you out more," Gabriel tried.

"You should've talked to me," Dean said, "I do not like losing family."

"I'm not family, Dean. I mean, I'm dating Sam again, but I'm not family."

Dean snapped, "You're family. I'm glad you're dating Sam again, it's about damn time, but you're my family. You, Sam, Cas, Charlie, and Dorothy, you're my family. And if Sam's car is here, then this is a family emergency, and you will get your ass here, understood?"

"I was going to head over anyway, regardless of the family thing," Gabriel said.

"You're family, Gabriel. It isn't up for debate," Dean said.

Cas walked into the apartment. "His car is here," he said.

Dean tried not to panic. "Sam's missing," he said, "And Luci was here not that long ago."

"I know, I'm on my way."

"You know?!"

"I saw Luci when Sam threw him out. Got into an awful fight with Sam over it. We're good now, though."

"You saw Luci, and you didn't say anything?" Dean snapped.

"It was Sam's business. And I laid into him good enough for the both of us," Gabriel defended, "I'll be there in three minutes."

The line went dead.

Dean turned to look at Cas. Cas quickly hugged Dean as he started to shake. Where was Sam? What happened?

"We're gonna find him," Cas said, "It'll be okay."

Dean hugged Cas tightly as he tried to figure out what to do. He broke away and punched numbers in his phone.

"Maybe Charlie's seen him," Dean said.

Charlie answered on the third ring, "Dean, honey, I love you, but I'm in the hospital with so much stuff up my vagina that I can't even begin to think about, so now's not really a good-"

"You're at the hospital? What's going on?" Dean asked.

Charlie said, "I'm being inseminated. We'll talk about it later. I really have to-"

"Have you seen Sam?" Dean asked quickly.

Charlie said, "No, not for a few days now. Is something going on?"

"He's missing," Dean said, looking at Cas. Cas gave Dean a worried attempt at a smile.

"Oh my God, what?" Charlie said.

She said to Dorothy presumably, "Sam's missing, they can't find him. How long did she say this was going to take?"

After a moment, she said to Dean, "Sweetie, we're kind of stuck. If we hear anything we'll let you know. Call me when you find him."

Dean hung up the phone and started pacing as Gabriel walked in through the door. Fear was easily visible on his face.

"How warm is that coffee?" Gabriel asked, walking to the kitchen.

Dean said, "There are more pressing things right now than a damn caffeine fix."

"God, you're an idiot," Gabriel said, "The coffee temperature can tell us how long it's been sitting out, how long Sam's been gone. I didn't have coffee with him, so it must've been-I thought you were a cop."

Dean joined Gabriel in the kitchen. "I'm sorry," he said.

Gabriel laughed, "Like I'd put a cup of coffee before Sam. You must be really freaked out if you'd think that for even half a second."

Dean understood that that was Gabriel's way of saying they were okay.

Gabriel stuck a finger in and licked it. He said, "It's cold. Still, I was here two hours ago, so at least we have that timeframe."

That didn't give them much to go on. Sam could be out for a walk for all they knew. Except for the mailbox being screwed to hell and Sam's shoes still being here. Shit.

Gabriel blinked a few times and gripped the edge of the counter. "Call Garth," he said, breathing heavy.

"What? Why?" Dean asked.

"There's something in that coffee. A damn strong roofie, maybe?" Gabriel said as he walked slowly to the table, holding his head.

"How do you know what a roofie feels like?" Cas asked.

Gabriel sighed, closing his eyes, "What did you even do during college?"

Dean called Garth as Cas sat down with Gabriel.

Cas asked, "Are you going to be okay?"

"Yeah," Gabriel said shakily, "Just feels like I got kicked in the head. But that was just from licking my finger. If Sam had much more than that..."

Dean didn't care to listen to the rest. Sam was going to be fine.

"Dean?" Garth answered his phone.

"Garth, buddy, I need you at Sam's," Dean said.

"Do you remember me?" Garth asked.

"Yes, but that's not important right now," Dean said, "I think Sam's been kidnapped."

Garth said quickly, "Stay there. I'm on my way."


	28. I Focus On The Pain

Sam's head felt like it was going to explode. The pounding in his head was definitely worse than any hang over he'd had. He opened his eyes and continued to see darkness.

Slowly, he sat up and almost cried out in pain. Everything from the waist down throbbed and ached in a way that he hadn't experienced since he had been with Luci years ago. Then, he noticed he didn't have a shirt on...or pants. What the hell? Not even boxers? What the fuck was happening?

He was so disoriented from the pounding in his head, he couldn't grasp entirely what that all meant, but he knew it was nothing good. Sam was afraid, horribly afraid. And he was disgusted. He knew what must have happened to him for him to feel like this. It was a level of pain and violation that he didn't deserve.

He felt like calling out for help but knew if Luci was nearby, it would only goad him on. It sickened him that he so easily fell into the same habits he used to have from being around Luci. Don't show pain. Don't show fear. Be stronger than you are. Don't hit back. Maybe it would be easier if he egged Luci on. Maybe Luci could kill him, and he could forget his stupid fucking life. But he had to think about Gabe and Dean and Cas and the girls. He had to be strong for them.

If he was going to get out of there, he needed to keep it together. He started to feel around him. He was on hard ground, cold like cement. His hands bumped into what felt like his boxers. He pulled them on gingerly, trying not to cause more pain than necessary.

His fingers found a wall in front of him. It wasn't solid wall, though, it was a metal grate like a fence. Feeling a too close metal link ceiling above him, he realized a fence was wishful thinking. He was in a cage. What happened to him?

His shoulders felt stiff, probably from being in a cage too small to stand in. Sam got up into a kneeling position and felt a sharp pain in his back. Something felt terribly bruised along his spine. He doubled over, catching himself on his hands.

Slowly, he crawled to the edge of the cage. It was longer than it was tall, but the cage was still incredibly cramped. He wished he could see something, anything. He crawled to the other side of the cage. If he was put in there somehow, there had to be a door. He felt the metal mesh, and felt the double bar of a door. He ran his fingers down the side. There was a padlock, the kind you need a key for. Fuck.

Sam took a deep breath. The increase in oxygen made his head pounding worse. It didn't matter how bad his pain was. He couldn't show any signs of it.

He lay down on his stomach and closed his eyes. How had he gotten into this fucking mess? He should've never let Lucifer in. He should never have invited him over to his apartment. He never should've told him where he lived. He wished he'd never met that asshole in the first place.

A door opened to Sam's right that flooded the room with light. Sam blinked as his eyes adjusted. The sudden light did no favors for his head. But he couldn't show pain. He couldn't show fear. He had to be strong.

Lucifer walked in and smiled at him. "Are we awake?" he asked.

Sam grimaced and said, "Let me out of here."

"What's the last thing you remember?" Lucifer asked.

Sam closed his eyes as a defense from the blinding light. "You were in my kitchen, drugged my coffee, and wouldn't let me leave," he snapped.

Lucifer grinned and said, "Good. That's good."

"Let me out of here," Sam repeated.

"Let me ask you a question," Lucifer said, walking closer to the cage, "If I let you out, will you stay with me?"

"It's never gonna happen!" Sam shouted.

Lucifer laughed, "Oh, I don't know, Sam. I think you will."

Sam had never been more hurt, more angry in his life. He shouted, "You listen to me, you son of a bitch. There's something wrong with you. If you don't let me out of here, I'm gonna kill you myself, understand? I'm going to rip your heart out."

"That's good, Sam," Lucifer said, "You keep fanning that fire in your belly. All that pent-up rage. I'm gonna need it."

"For what?" Sam asked.

Lucifer grinned and knelt in front of the cage, meeting Sam at eye level. He said, "You don't hit back when you aren't seeing red."

Lucifer stood up and walked to the door. Sam knew he couldn't let him leave. He had the keys. He'd need him to get the keys, anyway.

"You can't keep me in here forever," Sam said.

Lucifer stopped and turned towards Sam. "How long do you think you've been in here?" he asked.

Sam stayed silent. He didn't rightfully know. The ketamine was strong. It could've been a few hours or a few days.

Lucifer returned to the cage. "You've been here for years, Sam," he said.

Sam's mind might've been foggy with drugs, but he knew for sure it hadn't been years. He'd feel different. His hair would be longer. His skin would feel older. He'd already seen how Dean reacted to being nine years older than he remembered. There were signs he'd notice.

"You're lying," Sam said.

Lucifer grinned and stared down at Sam. "What if I told you the last six years never happened? What if you tried to leave me, and you've been here ever since? What would you do?" he asked.

"You're lying," Sam said quickly. That was impossible. Completely impossible.

"You think so?" Lucifer challenged.

"I remember graduating college and dating Gabriel and living the last six years," Sam said, "How would you explain that?"

"The power of suggestion is a marvelous thing to someone who's under the influence of mind altering substances," Lucifer said, sitting across from Sam on the floor.

Sam shook his head. That wasn't possible. There was no way Lucifer could keep him drugged for so long.

"Don't believe me?" Lucifer asked, "Check your right arm."

Sam frowned at Lucifer but held his arm in the light coming from the door. There were track marks obviously caused by needles. There were a lot of them.

"What the hell did you do?" Sam asked, horrified. He wanted to rip his skin off just to stop seeing those impossible track marks.

"I did what I'm telling you," Lucifer said, smiling, "You tried to leave. I couldn't just allow that. But you were persistent and stubborn, so stubborn. So, I wrote your life for you. Want proof? How many times did you dream about my face, about seeing me watching you? That was reality, Sam. For six years, you've been here. With me."

He was lying. He had to be lying. Gabriel was real. His life was real.

"I know you're lying," Sam said. He couldn't let Lucifer get into his head.

Lucifer asked, "How would you know?"

"Gabe. You couldn't make him up," Sam said, defiant.

"Oh, no?" Lucifer said, "The perfect guy? Loves you to no end? A wonderful little angel? Wants nothing more than to be exactly what you need him to be? I know you, Sam. I could write him in my sleep!"

"Why would you let me be happy, then?" Sam asked.

"To rip it away, obviously," Lucifer said, "Jesus, Sam, do you really think your life would be so painful?"

"You're still lying," Sam persisted. Lucifer couldn't be right. He couldn't have done this. Dean would have come for him, someone would have found him. This couldn't be true.

Lucifer sighed, "Think about it. Why else would you try to kill yourself only to be saved? Nobody hates you more than you. If you were in control, you'd be dead. But I want you alive, so you lived."

Sam stared at Lucifer. This couldn't be true. It couldn't be.

"Why?" Sam asked. Lucifer would've let him die. He tried to kill him when he left. If Gabe hadn't been there...

"I love you, Sam," Lucifer said, "Why would I want you dead? You're so much more fun screaming."

Lucifer had to be lying. But if he wasn't...no, he was lying. Wasn't he? Either way, Sam needed to get out of there. He needed to be strong. For Dean, for Gabe, for Cas and the girls. But if Lucifer was telling the truth, if his life was a work of fiction, then his family wasn't there, Gabriel wasn't there.

So, he needed to be strong for himself. He needed to fight for himself. If he didn't, he'd die there, and he was sick and tired of being okay with dying. It was his life, time to take control of it. He wasn't going to be saved. He had to save himself.

"Then, hit me," Sam said, meeting Lucifer's gaze.

His captor's eyebrows knit together in confusion.

Sam said, "If you like me better screaming, hit me. You have me right where you want me, and you're not taking advantage of it. I know it feels good when you hit me. So, do it. Hit me."

"You want me to hit you?" Lucifer asked, "You just want me to let you out."

"Even if I do," Sam said, "It makes you feel powerful to hit me, and it makes me feel strong to take it. Do it. Hit me. Don't hold back. I want you to hit me, break my bones. I want to feel every last blow."

Lucifer smirked and walked to the door.

Sam almost swore. That was his only chance to get out.

Lucifer closed the door and flipped a light switch. "As you wish," he said. Lucifer pulled a small key out of his pocket and opened the cage door.

Sam slid his way out, struggling not to wince from the pain radiating from his back to his knees. But this was Luci. If Sam was good at anything, it was hiding pain from his ex.

Lucifer clenched his fist and said, "Remember that you asked for this."

Sam braced himself, staring Lucifer dead in the eye.

Lucifer swung at Sam's head, and Sam dodged, rushing his ex and kicking him in the groin as hard as he could possibly muster.

He wasn't sure if Lucifer actually had balls or if that was just something he said...or told him he said...but that was still a sensitive area, and it was as good a plan as any.

Lucifer doubled over on the ground, falling to his side in a fetal position.

Sam ran for the door. He needed to get out. He needed to get away from Lucifer. Nothing else mattered. Sam pulled the handle, and it was locked. Sam pulled on the door harder, but it wouldn't budge.

From his spot on the floor, Lucifer laughed.


	29. I'm Sorry That I Couldn't Get To You

Garth arrived at Sam's apartment in five minutes flat. "Okay," he said, walking up to Dean quickly, "Who touched what, and what do we know already?"

"The coffee was spiked, Sam was here about an hour ago, his car is here, his abusive ex-boyfriend was here recently, and Gabriel found out about the coffee by tasting it," Dean said.

Garth hugged Dean tightly without any warning. Dean awkwardly patted his partner's back as he waited for him to stop the hug.

"I'm glad you're back," Garth said.

Dean peeled Garth off of him and said, "Yeah, me too. More important things, Garth."

Garth nodded, "Last time anyone saw the abusive ex?"

Gabriel, still holding his head, said, "I saw him leaving here morning before last."

"Yeah," Dean said, "That's when I saw him here. I must've just missed you, Gabriel."

"Small world," Gabriel said weakly.

Dean walked over to the table and put a hand on Gabriel's shoulder. "You gonna be okay?" he asked.

Gabriel closed his eyes and said, "Not until we find Sam." He took a deep breath and said, "My head feels like someone set off a firecracker in it, but once I get this shit out of my system and we find Sam, in one piece, I should be fine."

Dean patted Gabriel's shoulder and went back over to Garth. "I think we should go scope out Luci's place. If he has Sam, he might have him there," he said.

Garth nodded and said, "You should ride with me, I have some stuff to tell you."

Cas said, "I'll drive Gabriel in the Impala. We'll follow you."

Gabriel got up and headed for the door quickly.

Once Dean got in the passenger seat of Garth's squad car, Garth reached over and punched in Luci's information to the car's computer.

"We couldn't find out who shot you," Garth said as Luci's address popped up. He pulled out onto the street, speeding to their destination.

"Well, it was a mugging in Chicago," Dean said, "Not surprised."

"Yeah, but you're a cop. We don't take something like that lying down. We're going to keep looking," Garth said.

"You don't have to do that."

"What? Of course we—"

"I'm done being a cop, Garth," Dean said.

"What?" Garth asked.

"I've already talked it over with Cas since getting shot in the head was never really part of the plan," Dean said.

"Let's find your brother, and then we can talk about it," Garth said, forcing himself to keep his eyes on the road.

Dean sighed as he watched Cas pull his car to the curb. He said, "There's nothing to talk about. It's my choice."

Garth pulled over the squad car and looked at Dean sadly. "I know," he said, "But I don't want another partner."

Dean ignored him, got out of the car, and asked Gabriel, "You been here before?"

Gabriel nodded and said stiffly, "This is where he lived when he was dating Sam."

"So, which one's Luci's?" Dean asked.

Gabriel headed into the building and up the steps without a word. Dean followed quickly. When they got to the apartment, the door was locked. Sam had better not be in there, or he'd kill Luci the first chance he got.

Dean pounded on the door. No answer.

"Move," Gabriel snapped.

Dean got out of the way. Gabriel went to kick the door in, but Garth blocked him.

"Whoa, Gabriel," Garth said, "I can't let you do that."

"My boyfriend is missing and drugged," Gabriel snapped, holding his head, "Do you think I could give a single flying fuck about Luci's fucking door?"

Garth stared at Gabriel for a moment as Cas reached up above the doorframe.

"It's not breaking and entering if we have a key, right?" Cas asked, holding up a spare key.

Garth sighed. "No touching anything," he said.

Dean checked the first room, which seemed to be the bedroom. He tried to ignore the dildo on the dresser. No one was in there anyway. The next room was a bathroom. Two bloody razors sat in the sink.

"Garth!" Dean called.

Gabriel and Garth rushed to the bathroom.

"Do you think that's Sam's blood?" Garth asked.

Dean looked at Gabriel, worried.

Gabriel sighed, "It's not Sam's. Luci cuts himself, or at least he did when he was with Sam."

"It could still be Sam's, Gabriel," Dean said.

Gabriel stared at Dean fiercely and said, "It is not Sam's blood."

Gabriel's phone rang. He reached for it so fast he almost dropped it.

"Kali?" Gabriel answered, confused. He asked, "What do you mean what am I doing here? How do you know I'm at Luci's?"

Dean walked over to the window. A young woman with dark hair looked up at the building from the street.

"That her?" Dean asked.

Gabriel looked out the window. He waved and said stiffly, "Yeah, Luci has a great view of the street from here."

Gabriel looked at Dean as Kali said something. He visibly paled. "Where did you see his car? Uh huh. Text me the address. Okay, fine. We'll follow you, but we need to go now, Kali," he said.

Kali said something with her hands on her hips, and Dean looked at Gabriel anxiously. If she knew where Sam was, they were wasting time.

"He has Sam," Gabriel said, tight lipped.

Kali got in her sleek, black car, and Gabriel hung up the phone.

"We have to go. Kali saw his car," Gabriel said.

Dean asked, "Where?"

"We're going to follow her," Gabriel said quietly, "But she said it was a storage facility."

"Jesus," Dean said, "Don't these places have video surveillance? You'd think they'd notice a kidnapping."

Gabriel ignored him and ran down to the cars.

Dean grabbed the squad car keys from Garth and hopped in the driver's seat. No one said anything as they followed Kali through the city streets. Dean was endlessly glad Kali stuck to the side streets. It was rush hour, and all of this driving would be absolute hell otherwise.

Slowly, they made their way to the storage place. If they hit one more red light, Dean was going to throttle something. Probably Luci. The second they saw him.

Kali pulled her car to the side of the storage place, and got out, walking quickly to a beige convertible.

Dean and Cas pulled over their respective cars. Dean got out and ran over to Kali.

"This his car?" Dean asked.

Kali nodded slowly.

Cas joined them and said to Kali, "Thank you."

She glanced at Cas and sighed, looking towards the storage facility.

"You wouldn't happen to know which unit is Luci's, would you?" Gabriel asked.

Kali shook her head and said, "I do have other things to do with my life than watch this sociopath picking out storage units."

Gabriel nodded, and started to head for the main building. His steps faltered and Cas caught him before he could completely collapse.

"Maybe you should wait here," Cas said.

Gabriel said, "If Sam is in there being drugged or tortured or whatever's going on, like hell am I waiting in the car."

Cas let the issue drop.

They walked into the main building. A teenager sat at the counter flipping through a magazine.

"We were wondering if you could tell us which of the storage units belongs to someone named Luci," Cas said.

The kid looked up and said, "I can't give out private information. Sorry."

Garth slapped his badge on the counter and snapped, "We don't have time for any malarkey. This is police business. Do any of these units belong to a person named Luci?"

"How do you spell it?" the teenager asked, instantly cooperative.

Dean said quickly, "L-U-C-I."

The kid quickly scrolled through a directory before saying, "Nope. Sorry. I don't have a Luci here."

"How about Lucian?" Gabriel asked.

Dean glanced at Gabriel but didn't question it. He knew a lot more about this whole situation than anyone else.

"Yeah," the kid behind the counter said, "There's a Lucian renting out unit 104."

Dean looked quickly at the map on the wall and ran out the door. Taking a quick right, Dean ran down a row of storage units to the one labeled 104. It had a large metal retractable door but a smaller door stood to the left. He tried the metal door, but it needed a key. Running around to the door to the side, he saw that required a key card.

He turned around to head back to the main office when Garth tossed him a key card.

"It's the master key. It should work," Garth said.

Dean caught it, swiped it, and opened the door.

As he walked inside, he saw Luci slam Sam against a wall. Sam quickly turned around and punched Luci hard in the jaw.

Without thinking, Dean ran up to Luci, grabbed the bastard's shoulder, and ripped him away from Sam. When Luci realized what had happened, Dean punched him as hard as he could in the face.

"Sam, get out of here," Dean said. He tried not to notice that Sam had only boxers on. He tried really hard.

Luci grabbed for Dean's arm, and Dean wrapped a fist in Luci's hair, pulling on his scalp painfully.

"Try that one more time," Dean growled, "I fucking dare you."

Sam ran out the door without much hesitation.

Luci glared at Dean.

Dean flung him to the ground and pulled out his gun, pressing the muzzle to Luci's head.


	30. The Only Thing That's Real

Sam ran out of that room with the cage as fast as he could possibly run. Cas, Garth, and Gabe stood outside. Garth was holding Gabe up, and that alarmed Sam. What could've happened to Gabe? Maybe something Luci made up. Maybe this was all in his head. But if it wasn't, then something was wrong with Gabe.

Before Sam could figure out what was going on, Cas asked, "Where's Dean?"

Sam turned back towards the door he'd just come out of and saw Dean press his gun to Luci's head. If this wasn't really happening, it didn't matter what he did, whatever Luci wanted would happen.

But if this was happening...Sam couldn't take that risk.

He didn't break up with Luci for weeks, because he thought he'd be responsible for Luci's death. He didn't press charges against Luci, because he wanted nothing to do with him. He just wanted it to be over. This wasn't the way that would happen.

Sam walked back inside and said softly, "Dean, put down the gun."

"I should kill him," Dean said, "He hurt you, he kidnapped you, he drugged you, and I'm really trying not to think about the other shit he's probably done to you, but there is a cage in this room that is really hard to ignore. I should kill him on principle alone."

Sam stepped closer to Dean as Cas walked into the room. "Dean, you don't want to do this. He's not worth it," Sam said.

"Going to jail would be a small price to pay," Dean said as he clicked the safety off.

Luci flinched.

Cas gently put a hand on Dean's shoulder and said, "You're not a killer, Dean."

Dean clenched his jaw but didn't remove the gun from Luci's temple.

Luci, thankfully, knew enough to stay quiet.

"Give me the gun," Sam said, reaching his hand out slowly.

Dean growled, "I want him dead."

"And I want my brother," Sam said, making Dean look at him.

Dean took a deep breath, sighed, and said, "Fine. Get Garth in here. We'll read him his rights."

Luci laughed, "I knew you wouldn't do it."

Dean smacked him across the face with the heel of his gun, making Luci's nose bleed in the process.

Cas waved Garth in, and again, Sam started to wonder if this was all in his head. Was he being fed all of this? Was it all just some fucked up dream? If Luci wanted to prolong his keeping Sam locked in his head, the perfect way to do it would be to convince Sam that Luci was no longer a threat.

"Sam," Dean said, snapping him out of his thoughts, "Are you okay?"

Garth snapped handcuffs on Luci's wrists as Sam said, numbly, "No."

Considering he didn't know if his brother was even there talking to him, Sam felt as far from okay as he could possibly get.

Dean stepped away from Luci and pulled Sam into a hug. Luckily, the hug missed whatever bruising Sam had going down his back.

"You have no idea how scared we were," Dean said.

Sam hugged Dean back.

Slowly, Dean took a step back and said, "Now, I'm not mad. I was more scared than anything, and I get why you didn't want to tell me about Luci again, but if I ever lose my memory again for whatever reason, you had damn well-"

"Again? You remember the first time I told you about everything?" Sam asked.

Dean nodded and said, "Yeah, Cas helped jog my memory. That's not important. What's important is that I saw Luci at your apartment and didn't think anything of it. You could be dead right now, Sam."

"I know," Sam said quietly. He was an idiot. He deserved every ounce of guilt he felt.

Dean hugged Sam again, saying, "If I ever have to worry that you might be dead again, I'll kill you myself."

Sam smiled a little. Even if it was some drug induced hallucination that Luci had conjured up, it was nice to have his brother back to normal.

As they broke the hug, Dean said, "Gabriel had a taste of your spiked coffee. It wasn't much, and he hasn't passed out, but you might want to convince him to go back to the car."

Sam rushed outside, ignoring the pain in his legs and back.

Whether Luci was fucking with him or not, there was a possibility that Gabe needed him. He found Gabe leaning against the side of the storage unit. Sam tried to process that he'd been kept in a storage unit but failed miserably. What. The. Hell.

He pushed his shock aside and asked Gabe, "Are you okay?"

"You're asking me if I'm okay? You're the one who was kidnapped. God, I must look awful," Gabe said, weakly.

"Let's go back to the car," Sam suggested.

Gabe nodded, tried to take one step, and nearly fell on his face. Sam caught him and easily scooped Gabe into his arms. Carrying his boyfriend hurt like hell, nearly destroyed his back, and could very well not even be happening. But it felt good to hold Gabe.

"You shouldn't be carrying me," Gabe protested as they got closer to the car.

"I know," Sam said. He put Gabe down at the Impala and opened the door for him. "How's your head?" he asked.

Gabe frowned and said, "May I remind you again that you, not me, were the one kidnapped by Luci?"

Sam sighed, "My head hurts like a bitch, too. It's a lot better after you let it knock you out, though."

Gabe slid into the back seat and motioned for Sam to follow. He grabbed a blanket from behind the head rests of the back seat and draped it over Sam's legs.

"What happened?" Gabe asked, looking at Sam, worried.

"Are you going to ask to see my bruises just like old times?" Sam asked, forcing a smile.

Gabe's eyes widened, not at all distracted by Sam's attempt at reminiscing. "Are there bruises? He didn't...what did he do?" he asked.

Sam had stopped worrying about Gabe pitying him a long time ago, but he hesitated before turning his back to his boyfriend. It might not even be Gabe. It could be just a projection of Luci. Slowly, he turned around to show Gabe his back. One reality was much more appealing than the other.

"He must've done something to my back, it feels like it's really bruised. And he..." Sam trailed off.

"That's not bruising, Sam," Gabe said, gingerly touching the base of Sam's back, "These are…these are slices. You need to go to a hospital."

"Slices?" Sam asked. He suddenly felt very sick.

Gabe pressed some cloth to Sam's back gently, and Sam struggled to suppress a painful cry.

Gabe gingerly turned Sam back around. Gabe was notably shirtless, and the cloth at Sam's back suddenly made more sense. This was so fucked up. Sam's boyfriend held his hand. "It's going to be okay. You're going to be okay," he said, "Did he do anything else?"

If this was Luci, Sam didn't want to give away how hurt he was by being raped. But he could feel it. Every little movement caused pain to shoot down to his kneecaps and up his back. He could feel the familiar ache of sexual abuse, but he couldn't say it. Not if Luci was the one really pulling the strings. Because then Luci would win.

But he had to be open with Gabe. If they were going to make this work this time, then he had to tell him everything. Total transparency.

But Luci probably still had him.

His loyalty to Gabe was strong enough that even the slightest chance that he was really talking to Gabe was enough.

Sam looked Gabe in the eye and said, "Luci hurt me in the worst way possible." He hoped he understood.

Gabe looked at Sam with wide, scared eyes. He pulled Sam into a gentle hug. "It's okay. I love you. You're gonna be okay," he said.

Gabriel rubbed Sam's back above the cuts softly, but he barely felt it. This wasn't real.

Sam scooted away from Gabe. None of this was real. Was it? Maybe it was.

Gabe looked at Sam, concerned. "Sam, what's the matter?" he asked.

Sam looked around the car, back at Gabe, then out the window. Everything looked real. Maybe Lucifer was lying. Or maybe he was crazier than Sam thought. If Sam was still in the cage, he was only talking to Lucifer. Or himself. If he was really in the car with Gabe, then Gabe would be able to help.

If he told the truth to Luci, Luci would know he won. Something else would happen then, something potentially worse than the pain he'd already endured. But Sam would have an answer. If he told the truth to Gabe, then he'd have an answer also. The truth, then.

"I don't know what's real," Sam said quietly.

"What?" Gabe asked.

"Luci had me drugged pretty badly. I even have track marks. He told me that this, being out of there away from him, was all in my head, supplied by my subconscious or his post-hypnotic suggestion. I...he was convincing. I don't know if any of this-"

"Whoa, Sam, c'mon," Gabe said, "This is real. You're right here."

"Or I could just be thinking I am."

Gabe pulled out his phone and showed the screen to Sam. "That's today's date," he said. June 14th, 2019. So either he didn't miss hardly any time, which would be nice, or Lucifer was better than he thought.

"I still don't..." Sam muttered, shaking his head. This was so fucked up.

Gabriel took Sam's hand and squeezed it, making Sam look up at him.

"This is real," Gabe said, "I'm real."

Sam stared into those amber eyes and wished to God Gabe was right.

"You want proof?" Gabe asked.

Before Sam could respond, Gabe kissed Sam gently, slowly, letting every sensation linger. "I love you," he said quietly, "I love you in ways that Lucifer is incapable of. And he would never touch you or care for you like I do. He would never let you love him the way I know you love me. This is real. I'm right here."

Gabe had a point, but it was easily something Luci could think of.

This was up to Sam. He was sick of people telling him what was right, what he felt, what was real. This was Sam's choice. Whatever he believed would be real enough. He had to decide what was real. It was much more likely that Luci only fucked with him for a few hours like the date and time on Gabe's phone suggested. And no matter what, he loved Gabe. And that was real enough.

His world stopped spinning. Sam hugged Gabe tightly. This was real. The warmth of Gabe in his arms, the feel of the other man's chest expanding with each breath. This was real, he knew it. "Thank you," he said.

Gabe wrapped his arms around Sam protectively and said, "It's okay. You're safe." Sam couldn't quite tell if Gabe was reassuring himself or Sam, but maybe it was a bit of both.

Kali tapped on the driver's side window and asked, "Mind if I interrupt?"

Gabe motioned for her to come in.

Kali sat in the driver's seat with her legs folded under her so she could sit backwards and look at Sam and Gabe.

"You met Kali once, right?" Gabe asked Sam.

Sam nodded and said, "Briefly."

"She helped us find you," Gabe said, "She found Luci's car, and brought us straight to you."

Sam looked at Kali as she let her usual fiery, stoic defenses drop. She smiled at Sam and said, "I'm glad you're okay."

Her smile turned wicked as Dean and Garth brought Luci over to the squad car.

"I've been watching that piss poor excuse for a human being for so long," Kali said, "It started as a favor to Gabriel, which I think you know, but after I saw what kind of a person he is, I didn't feel safe not knowing where he was. A psychopath like that probably wouldn't take kindly to knowing he had somebody on his tail, but I like seeing what's coming at me, you know?"

Sam stared at Kali, shocked that she'd talked to him for so long and not just a little confused about why she'd decided to tell him about her careful stalking of his ex.

"Watching him get put away feels good," Kali said, grinning at Luci.

Without warning, Luci twisted himself away from Dean and Garth and ran towards his car. Sam's fingers dug into Gabe's thigh. Luci's car was past the Impala.

Without a moment's hesitation, Kali sprung out of the car and grabbed Luci by the throat. She shoved him backwards, not releasing her grip on his neck, until she slammed his head hard against the hood of her car. Luci was knocked unconscious.

Dean watched Kali with his mouth slightly open in awe. She tossed Luci towards Garth's feet and climbed in her car, pulling away from the curb and driving off.

After Dean and Garth hauled Luci's slack body into the back seat of the squad car, Dean poked his head in the window of the Impala.

"Hey, Sam," Dean said, "We're going to take him to the station. You'll be okay if Cas takes you home, right?"

Sam nodded and said, "Yeah, that's fine, but Dean...Luci's sick. Something isn't right in his head. Don't just arrest him and charge him. He needs help."

"No, that's not fine," Gabe said, "Sam can't go home. He needs to go to a hospital."

Dean looked at Sam, saw Gabe's hand on his shirt on Sam's back, and grimaced. "I'll meet up with you there," he said.

Cas hugged Dean goodbye and walked over to the Impala. "So, hospital?" he asked.

Sam nodded, and Gabe ran his thumb over Sam's knuckles reassuringly.


	31. I Know Nothing At All

Taking Luci to the police department was difficult. Dean was still itching to put a bullet in that guy's head. If Garth hadn't been in the car...

Garth had to do all of the booking for Luci since Dean was still on suspension after being shot. Garth and Dean carried an unconscious Luci into the precinct and placed him in a holding cell by himself, ignoring the curious looks the other officers were giving them.

Dean took advantage of being in the building again to head to Gordon's office.

"Winchester, what-" Gordon started.

Dean put his badge and his gun on Gordon's desk.

Gordon looked at Dean's stuff and back up at Dean. "Are you sure?" he asked.

"Yeah," Dean said softly.

Gordon got up and shook Dean's hand. "Well, then. It's been fun," he said.

Dean returned the handshake, but his head was already at the hospital with his family.

"Of course you know," Gordon said, "This will require some substantial paperwork on your part."

Dean grimaced and said, "Have Garth give it to me. Right now, my brother's in the hospital, and I need to be there."

Gordon paused for a moment but said, "Alright. Just make sure I get the paperwork by the weekend."

Dean nodded and left the office.

Garth caught Dean just before he left. "I'll finish everything up here. I'll let you know what happens, okay?" he said.

"Thanks, Garth," Dean said.

Once he got outside, Dean swore. He didn't have his damn car. He also couldn't borrow a squad car without breaking the law now that he didn't have a badge. Fuck. At least it was nice out. Dean took off running towards the hospital.

Once he got to the hospital, completely out of breath, it was a half hour later.

Cas saw him stumble through the door and ran over to him. "Dean, what on earth-did you run here?" he asked.

Dean said, breathing heavily, "Yes. Where's Sam?"

Cas started leading him down the hall but said, "You know, I have a phone. You could have just called for a ride."

Dean rolled his eyes and followed Cas to Sam's room.

"So, what's the prognosis?" Dean asked when he walked in the room. Gabriel looked up from where he sat next to Sam's bed.

"Stitches," Sam said slowly, "Stitches and pain reliever."

"Stitches?" Dean asked.

Sam nodded, looking at Gabriel.

Gabriel said slowly, "Sam has bruises, track marks, and slices up his back."

Dean took a deep breath. He should've killed that son of a bitch. He should've killed him and watched the light leave his eyes. Damn it.

"How did it go?" Sam asked, shaking Dean out of his head.

"How'd what go?" Dean asked.

Sam said evenly, "Taking Luci in."

Something in way he said it made Dean very afraid for his brother. He was trying very hard to keep himself calm, to keep his voice even and emotionless. It was enough that Dean simply said, "It was fine. Everything's taken care of."

He told Garth about Sam's mental health recommendation, and Garth or another officer would have to come in and question Sam later, but for the time being, everything was fine. Except Luci was still breathing, but Dean tried not to think about that.

"Can I-Can I see?" Dean asked.

Sam got up from the bed slowly. He had some gauze wrapped around his right forearm.

"This is just holding an antiseptic pad on my arm. Luci gave me track marks, but we don't know if he gave me anything. They're running a blood test right now to make sure I'm okay, but we won't have results for a couple days," Sam said.

Dean nodded, trying to keep the image of Luci stabbing Sam's arm with a needle repeatedly stuck out of his head.

Sam gestured to the rest of him and said, "Bruises." Well, that had been fairly obvious. Dean's brother was black and blue all over. The fact that Luci was still alive was becoming increasingly irritating.

Sam turned around after making sure his hospital gown was closed. Deftly, he showed Dean his back. A series of stitches ran in gruesome rows along Sam's mid and lower back, close to his spine. If that hadn't been enough to make Dean want to vomit, a series of bruises around Sam's sides and hips looked distinctly like finger sized bruises. Luci was very, truly lucky that Dean had turned in his gun. Maybe he was wrong, maybe it had been from the fighting. But there had definitely been a cage in that room. If Dean ever got the sight of that cage out of his head, it'd be a miracle.

Just then, a nurse came in and said, "Considering the nature of this visit, the doctor thinks it would be legally important to run a rape kit. Do you want to?"

Sam returned to his bed with a sigh and said to Dean, "And there's that." He looked at the nurse and nodded.

The nurse left quickly, and Sam trained his eyes on the ceiling.

Dean recognized that look. Sam was embarrassed. Being embarrassed for being a victim was not okay.

"Can I speak to my brother alone for a minute?" Dean asked.

Cas and Gabriel looked between Dean and Sam. Cas nodded and left; Gabriel hesitated but followed shortly after without protest.

"Dean, I don't want-" Sam started.

Dean crossed the room and hugged Sam gingerly so as not to disturb his stitches.

"I am so glad you're okay," Dean said. Sam slowly returned the hug before pulling away.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Luci," Sam said, "I'm sorry I let him over, but I'm really sorry I lied to you."

Dean shook his head and said, "It's okay. You didn't want to have to tell me again. I get it. I don't blame you. I'm sure my reaction wouldn't have been much better than the first time."

Sam gave Dean a grateful nod and an attempted smile.

"Now, I know my pain in the ass little brother, who works at a domestic abuse center and should really know better, isn't blaming himself for what happened, right?" Dean asked.

Sam glanced at his hands before saying, "No, I'm not blaming myself. I know it's not my fault."

Dean gave him a knowing look.

Sam hesitated for a moment. "I invited him over," he said, "I wanted to talk to someone, and he was the only one I could-that's why he knew where I lived."

"Why didn't you come talk to me?" Dean asked. He kept all judgment out of his voice. He was honestly curious and really needed to know what happened.

"You had amnesia. How could I come to you about my issues with Gabe if you didn't even know who he was?" Sam asked.

"What about Cas?" Dean asked.

Sam sighed, "You saw Cas after you were shot. The guy was in no condition to listen to my problems. And before you ask, Charlie and Dorothy were busy with their own stuff. Plus, I couldn't very well have done the smart thing and worked things out with Gabriel directly. So, I went to Luci. It was a mistake, a horrible fucking mistake."

"Sam, it's not your fault," Dean said. Sam looked at Dean with tear filled eyes and a trembling lip. It broke Dean's heart to see his brother like that.

"Yes," Sam said, "It is my fault."

Dean met Sam's gaze and said, "No. It's not. You threw him out after you let him in the first time. Gabriel told me. You didn't let him in the second time. He forced his way in. He drugged you. He kidnapped you. He put you in a freaking cage. Sam, Luci tried to specifically to remove every ounce of control you had, and you still find a way to blame yourself? It's not your fault your ex is a nutcase. It's not your fault he was controlling the situation. It's not your fault that any of this happened. And I'll make sure Gabriel and I tell you that every day until you believe it."

Sam pulled Dean into a tight hug, which Dean returned automatically, careful not to hurt Sam further.

The nurse came back into the room with the rape kit.

Dean pulled away from Sam and said, "We'll be right outside until she's done." He joined Gabriel and Cas.

Gabriel looked at Dean, concerned, but Cas hugged him automatically. Dean wondered if either of them saw how wet his shoulder was from Sam's tears soaking the fabric.

"Dean?" Charlie called, hurrying down the hall to them. Shit. Dean had definitely forgotten to call Charlie and Dorothy.

Cas grabbed Dean's hand, and Dean said, "Hey, guys." Charlie and Dorothy stopped in front of them.

Charlie looked at Dean and Cas, smiling. She started, "Does this mean you-"

"Yeah, I got my memory back. Not important. You see, Sam's-"

"Did you find him?" Dorothy asked, "What's going on?"

Gabriel said, "We found him. He's in there getting a few tests run."

From outside Sam's hospital room, they filled in the girls on everything that had happened.

After everything was done, Sam was cleared to go home, the girls said goodbye after hugging Sam at least ten times each, and the boys walked over to the Impala.

Dean felt his pocket for the keys but came up empty.

Cas held the keys out to show Dean and said, "I'll drive if that's okay."

Dean shrugged. He was probably a little too emotionally wired to be driving anyway. He headed instead for the passenger seat.

"Ready to go home?" Dean asked.

Sam asked quietly, "Actually, could we go to your apartment? I really don't feel comfortable at my place right now."

"You could come home with me," Gabriel suggested.

Sam gave Gabriel a smile and said, "I'd really rather be in a familiar place if that's alright."

Gabriel nodded, understanding.

Cas said, "You still have a bed at our place, and both of you are always welcome."

Dean completely saw what Cas was trying to do. He'd be lying if he said he wasn't proud.

Sam asked Gabriel, "Would you mind coming with us?"

"I thought you said we should take it slow," Gabriel said.

Cas pulled away from the curb and started heading for home.

Sam leaned his head on Gabriel's shoulder and said, "I don't want to sleep alone. I don't want to dream about being in a cage and wake up alone in a dark room."

It suddenly got much too intimate in the backseat. Dean turned around in his seat and watched the road as Cas drove. He held Cas' free hand as they went home. He'd just gotten Cas back and hadn't quite gotten to enjoy it as much as he'd like. They'd have to fix that.

"Of course I'll come with," Gabriel said, "I'll be right there when you wake up."

"Thank you," Sam said.

The sounds of kissing from the backseat made Dean focus all the more on Cas' hand in his. Cas smiled at Dean. Dean couldn't wait to get home.


	32. A Million Miles Away

Sam couldn't breathe. He couldn't fucking breathe. He'd just woken up disoriented. It wasn't like he'd had a nightmare or anything. He'd just woken up and couldn't quite place where he was, and that was all it took.

God, he was damaged. Just one disoriented feeling, and he started thinking about it, about the cage. He'd felt the panic in his chest and managed to get out of bed. He'd tried focusing and breathing slowly and just about every coping method he'd learned.

But there he was, knees pressed to his chest, crouching on his bedroom floor, pressed tightly against his wall, crying silently. And he couldn't fucking breathe. He needed to get out of there, but his body refused to move. His fingers seemed to think they'd hit wire mesh if they reached out.

So, he didn't reach out. He stay pressed to his wall. Sam wanted to call for Gabe to wake him up, but his voice refused him. Some part of his brain worried what would happen if Lucifer heard him. Sam knew he wasn't in the cage, he knew he was in his bedroom at Dean and Cas' place, but he couldn't make a sound.

He couldn't breathe, his chest felt so tight, he wondered if he was actually having a heart attack. This would be how Sam Winchester died: not suicide, not kidnapping and torture, but a damn heart attack brought on by too much anxiety.

Sam shut his eyes, but it only made him feel even more confined. He needed to get out of the room. He needed to forget the cage and get out.

Slowly, Sam rocked himself forward, using the momentum to get himself out of his fear-frozen state. He stood quickly and walked out into the hallway.

Just being out in the dim light coming from the kitchen made him feel better. He walked softly out to the living room and turned on Netflix. He'd gone to bed at midnight, he'd managed an hour's sleep before all this happened, and sleep was a pipedream now. It was going to be a long night.

It was only two in the morning when Gabe padded softly down the hall with an expression of tired confusion on his face.

"What are you doing up?" Sam asked, pausing the TV.

Gabriel sighed and said, "I was about to ask you the same thing."

Sam shrugged. He didn't want to tell Gabe why he was up, he just wanted to watch Netflix and forget.

"I see, well, since you put it that way..." Gabe said with a grin.

Sam patted the cushion next to him and resumed watching...whatever he was watching. He thought it was an offbeat foreign film about a motorcycle that knew karate, but he was honestly so tired that it really could have been about anything.

Gabe sat down next to Sam and rested his head on Sam's shoulder. "I love you," he said softly, "And I'd really like you to come back to bed."

Sam said, "You should go get some rest. I'll be back in after this."

"Do you even know what this is?" Gabe asked.

The motorcycle did in fact know karate, but Sam had to shake his head. The movie had something to do with ninjas, but he was lost beyond that. Honestly, even if he were awake, he probably wouldn't know what was going on with this movie.

"Are you able to sleep?" Gabe asked as the motorcycle high kicked someone into a wall.

Sam shook his head reluctantly and said, "I really don't want to talk about it."

"Nightmares again?" Gabe asked.

Sam said, "Surprisingly, no."

"Then, what-"

"I don't want to talk about it, Gabe."

Gabriel's face fell a little, and Sam tried to ignore the look.

"Okay," Gabe said, "I'm worried now. I get that you don't want to talk, but you gotta let me in."

Sam sighed. "Let's just go to bed," he said.

As he got up, Gabe put a hand on his arm.

"Don't hold out on me," Gabriel said, "Please." There was so much worry in those golden eyes that Sam felt a tear escape without his consent. Then, the worry turned to alarm.

"Sam?" Gabe tried.

Sam took a shaky breath as more tears danced trails down his face. If he said it, it'd be real. But he had to say it. He was supposed to be better than this.

"I had a panic attack," Sam said with an embarrassingly thick voice.

Gabriel was up off the couch and wrapping his arms around Sam before Sam could even blink.

Sam hugged Gabe tightly. He hated that he was still crying, he hated that he still had panic attacks, and he hated that if anything got worse, he'd probably wake someone up.

Sam released Gabe enough to pull him to their room.

Once inside, Sam said, "I'm sorry I'm such a mess."

Gabe led Sam to the bed and pulled Sam into his arms. "It's okay," he said, "I'm sorry you had a panic attack, and I wasn't there for you. Are you okay now?"

Sam nodded. "Yeah, I calmed myself down," he said.

"Why didn't you wake me up?" Gabe asked.

Sam sighed. "I couldn't," he said, "I wanted to but I could barely breathe." He could feel another tear escape him, and he wanted to punch something. He shouldn't be this broken.

Gabe pulled Sam flush against him and ran his fingers through Sam's hair. "It's okay," he said softly.

Sam pulled Gabriel into a tight hug, holding his boyfriend against him like his life depended on it. Gabriel anchored him and kept him from completely losing his grip. While he knew now that he could be strong for himself, he had to remind himself that it wasn't a bad thing to let others be strong for him, too.

"I love you," Sam said quietly.

Gabe smiled brightly and said, "I love you, too, Sam."

"Thank you," Sam added, "For putting up with all of my crap. I don't know how you do it. I'd get sick of me, honestly."

Gabe pulled back from Sam slightly, smile faltering. "Don't do that," he said, "You can thank me for being here if you want, but I'd do anything for you, Sam. You know that. And I won't let you insult yourself under the disguise of thanking me."

"Gabe-"

"And it's not crap," Gabe said, searching Sam's eyes, "You've been through hell, Sam. I'd be more worried if you didn't have anything going on after all that."

Sam averted his gaze. He knew Gabe was right, though he was a bit surprised that Gabe called him on his shit so quickly.

"I just feel bad for not being better for you. I just wish I wasn't a basket case all the time," Sam said.

Gabriel put two fingers under Sam's chin to get him to look at him. "Don't think for one second I don't recognize that one," Gabe said, "We may have been broken up for a while, but I know that line clear as day. I love you, Sam, all the shattered pieces included. Nothing is ever going to change that. And you're worth it, Sam. You're worth loving. So, don't start saying that you don't deserve me or that I can do better than you, because we've gone down that road before. I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere."

Sam hugged Gabriel to him before he started crying again.

Gabriel rubbed Sam's back gently and said, "I love you so much. We'll take this a step at a time, okay? Maybe you can start seeing a therapist again, or maybe we'll just ride it out, who knows? You're gonna be okay."

Sam didn't feel like he'd ever be okay, but he had Gabe, and that made him feel more okay than he'd been for a long while.

"Can we talk about it in the morning?" Sam asked.

Gabe snuggled into Sam's chest and said, "Yeah, let's sleep. I'm beat. We will talk about it in the morning, though, right?"

Sam nodded. He flipped over, facing the wall he'd been pressed against just a couple of hours ago.

Gabe wrapped his arms around Sam's waist and pressed a kiss into his hair. "Sweet dreams, Sammy," he murmured.


	33. My Empire of Dirt

It was the fourth of July.

Dean paced by the Roadhouse bar nervously. Was he really doing this? He was really doing this. Holy shit. Bobby came out from around back tugging at an uncomfortable looking tuxedo.

"You clean up nice," Dean said, trying to ignore how badly he was shaking. He shouldn't be nervous. Everything was going to be fine. This wasn't even the hard part.

Bobby frowned at Dean and said, "At least it's not a damn priest getup."

Asking Bobby to officiate Dean and Cas' wedding ceremony wasn't a decision either of them made lightly. However, Bobby went along with the idea, and hopefully it would all work out. God, was Bobby really doing this? How was this his life?

Ellen came out in a floor length olive green dress and swatted at Bobby's hands. "You look great. Stop it," she said. He grumbled something about dress codes and lighter fluid before walking over to Dean.

Bobby clapped a hand on his shoulder and asked, "You remembering to breathe, boy?"

Dean took a deep breath. He said, "I'm fine."

Bobby grinned and said, "Oh yeah, you're a picture of mental stability. You'll be fine. It's only the rest of your life."

Dean took another breath, reminding himself that in and out was the best method to get oxygen. This was happening. This was really happening.

"Hey, Dean. Come on. We need you," Jo called. He straightened out his own tux. It was almost time.

Charlie and Dorothy stood with Jo, trying to get the video camera to work. Dorothy wore a suit that was cut for her frame. Charlie had done nothing but coo over how sleek her wife looked. Charlie herself wore black skinny jeans, a white dress shirt, and a beige waistcoat. Jo, like her mother wore a dress, though her dress was a deep red and was cut short above the knee.

Dean and Bobby walked over to the open space where the foosball table used to be, where everyone else was.

Gabriel, wearing a black tux with a gold tie, stood next to Jo and Ellen, grinned at Dean and said, "Good luck."

"Where's Sam?" Dean asked.

Gabriel said, "He's helping Cas get ready. They'll be in here soon."

Dean tried to calm down. With how fast his heart was beating, he'd have a coronary before they even got this over with.

Sam and Cas walked in the front door of the Roadhouse and joined them.

Dean couldn't have remembered to breathe if he tried. Sam was dressed nice, but Cas' tux fit him perfectly. Dean really couldn't wait till they started leaving so he could see what Cas looked like from behind.

"How are you doing?" Cas asked.

"You look great," Dean said.

Cas grinned excitedly and said, "That doesn't answer my question."

Dean noticed Cas' blue tie was backwards and quickly adjusted it.

"Thanks," Cas said, smiling.

Dean grabbed Cas' hand and tried not to shake too horribly.

"Can we get on with it?" Charlie asked, holding up her cell phone, "People are already showing up at the hotel."

Dean looked into Cas' eyes and said, "Yeah, let's do it."

Bobby cleared his throat.

"Wait," Jo said, messing with the camera. She pressed few buttons, squinted a little, and said, "Okay, we're good. Go ahead."

Bobby sighed at Jo and said, "We're gathered here today for blah, blah, blah. Love and stuff. We've all seen how much you love each other, and we're all witnessing you get married. I hope you guys have a great life together. Advice before vows. Dean, don't be such a drama queen all the time. Cas, keep your patience with Dean. You're gonna need it."

Dean shot Bobby a look, and Bobby grinned at Dean with a healthy dose of fatherly teasing.

Bobby continued, "Dean, do you take Cas for all the stupid promises married couples make at weddings?"

Dean grinned. He knew asking Bobby to officiate was the best idea ever...well, aside from proposing to Cas. He couldn't think of anyone he'd rather spend the rest of his life with than the man who stood across from him, smiling at him. He wanted to see that smile every morning when he woke up. It wasn't even a question. The rest of his life was the least Dean could give Cas, and Cas was worth every second and then some.

"I do," Dean said, smiling at Cas.

Cas beamed.

"Cas, do you 'in sickness and in health' and all that lovely stuff, too?"

"I do," Cas said, tightening his grip on Dean's hand.

Bobby smiled and said, "Well, good. You're married, and we're running late. Kiss, ya idjits."

He didn't have to tell Dean twice. He kissed Cas deeply, bending him backwards as Gabriel whistled and Sam applauded.

Everyone took turns hugging Dean and Cas.

After Sam hugged Dean, he said, "I'm so happy for you guys."

"Maybe you'll tie the knot next," Dean joked. Sam glanced over at Gabriel who blushed slightly, having heard Dean's comment.

"One wedding at a time, okay?" Sam said.

Jo approached them with the camera and asked, "Any words from the happy couple?"

Dean put his hand over the lens and said, "I remember only consenting to the ceremony being filmed. This isn't the ceremony, Jo."

Cas pulled Dean's hand away. He said, "I have something to say for the camera. I just married Dean Winchester! Suck it, ladies."

Dean laughed hysterically and pulled Cas into a hug. "You are ridiculous," he said.

Cas laughed, "And yet you love me."

"I married you, didn't I?" Dean said, still laughing.

Jo giggled and put the camera in the travel case to take to the hotel.

Charlie stepped over, kissed Dean and Cas on their cheeks, and said, "I'm so proud of you. Now, we have to go. Cassie got off her plane nearly an hour ago."

Dean nodded and followed the rest of them outside.

The Impala looked as marvelous as the rest of them sitting in the afternoon Chicago sunlight. They'd discussed decorating the car, putting some tin cans or some temporary paint to commemorate their wedding. But she was perfect as she was. Sleek and black, the Impala didn't need any additions for the occasion.

Dean and Cas got into the Impala, and Dean grabbed Cas' hand. He couldn't remember ever being so happy.

"So, my husband, are you happy we have a summer anniversary now?" Cas asked.

Dean grinned at Cas' use of 'husband' to refer to him. It was weird, but it was a really good weird. He said, "Of course, plus we get fireworks for being awesome."

Cas laughed and looked out the windshield. "Are you ready for this?" he asked.

Dean swallowed and nodded.

"Seeing all of our friends?" Cas asked.

"Yep."

"Showing them our rings and kissing in front of them?"

"Most likely."

"Dancing together in front of them for the first time?"

"Bring it on."

Dean turned the key in the ignition and headed for the hotel.


	34. I Will Let You Down

Sam held Gabe's hand as they sat at their table in the reception hall. Everything looked beautiful, they even had an apple pie with a chocolate fountain in the middle of it. And Dean sat next to Cas across from them, shaking like a leaf.

"It's just a dance," Sam said, "You'll be fine."

The opening notes to Faithfully by Journey filled the room. Cas pulled Dean to his feet as they took their spot at the center of the dance floor. Dean put his arms around Cas' neck, and Cas put his hands on Dean's hips.

Sam leaned on Gabe's shoulder as Dean visibly relaxed and slow danced with his husband to the song they'd finally been able to decide on.

"God, that's cute," Sam said.

Gabe kissed Sam's head and said quietly, "You know I was going to propose to you once."

Sam sat up and stared at Gabe. "You what?" he asked.

Gabe shrugged and said, "Yeah, I had a ring and everything, but then we started fighting a lot, and you kicked me out, so I never really got the chance."

Sam just sat there, stunned. Gabe was going to ask him to marry him, and he fucked it up.

"Do you still have the ring?" Sam asked.

Gabe looked over at Cas and Dean and asked, "Why, you wanna get hitched?"

Sam grinned and said, "No, just wondering."

"Nah," Gabe said, "I had to pawn it when I moved out of my dad's place...Do you, though? Want to get married, I mean."

Sam watched Dean and Cas kiss as the song ended. "Maybe eventually," he said, "But we've only been back together for a month. There is something I'd like to do, though. Something we haven't done in over two years."

Gabe looked at Sam confused. He asked, "What haven't we-oh. Wait. Now? At your brother's wedding?"

Dean and Cas headed back towards the table.

"We're at a hotel, we have a room upstairs already. Why not?" Sam said.

"Why not what?" Dean asked, standing near the table.

Gabe stroked the back of Sam's hand under the table and said, "We'll be back."

"Whoa, you guys are leaving?" Dean asked, looking at Sam incredulously.

"Just for a bit, we'll be right back," Sam said.

"Well, I don't know about right back," Gabe said.

Dean looked between Sam and Gabe with understanding and disapproval. "Really, guys? During our reception? Really?" he asked.

"We haven't had sex in two and a half years," Gabe said, standing up, "So, yes, during your reception. I'm sorry. We'll be back I promise."

"Just don't get caught," Cas said.

Dean looked at Cas, surprised, "You're okay with this?"

"They got back together, let them have some fun. We're going to be busy talking to everyone anyway," Cas said.

Dean, confused, said, "But it's our wedding reception."

"Do you want to know what it's like not to have sex for two and a half years?" Cas asked.

Dean turned to Sam and Gabe and said, "Go. Go now. Don't get caught."

Cas pulled Dean back onto the dance floor.

Sam grabbed Gabe's hand and walked quickly with him out of the reception hall and towards the elevator. Their room was on the 17th floor. Gabe pressed the button, and when the doors closed, pressed Sam against the wall and kissed him deeply. When the doors opened, Sam's jacket was off, and Gabe's top two shirt buttons were undone.

They walked to their room quickly, slipped the keycard in, and opened the door. Ties were completely discarded the second the door was shut and locked. Gabe undid Sam's shirt, button by button, kissing Sam's chest as skin was made bare.

It wasn't like this was anything new, it wasn't like they hadn't done this a thousand times before, but as Sam tugged Gabriel's shirt off, he felt nervous. Very nervous. Sam kissed Gabe full on the lips. He was going to hurt Gabe. He'd hurt him like he did before. He'd hurt him in ways that he wasn't aware of yet. He'd make Gabe ache with loss by the time he was done with him.

Gabe broke off from Sam's lips and stared at him. "Don't do that," he said.

"Do what?" Sam asked.

Gabriel nudged Sam onto the bed gently and brushed Sam's hair out of his eyes.

Gabe said, "Don't leave. Stay here. Stay with me, okay? Don't retreat into your head. Just be here. Please."

Sam looked up at his boyfriend and met those warm, amber eyes. "Okay," he whispered.

Gabe straddled Sam's hips, kissing him deeply before slowly undoing Sam's pants. Sam still felt very nervous. They hadn't done this in a long time. Everything that happened with Luci made him very unsure about all of this. But he definitely wanted it.

Gabe tugged Sam's pants off and grinned. "Going commando at your brother's wedding? Wow, Sammy," he said.

Sam fought a smile.

Gabe dropped to his knees off the side of the bed between Sam's legs. He ran his fingers down Sam's thighs and said, "God, I missed you."

Sam sighed happily. "I missed you, too," he said softly.

"Not you," Gabe said with a grin. He planted a kiss on Sam's shaft and said, clearly addressing Sam's penis, "You." Gabe laughed and hopped back up onto the bed, straddling Sam again. "Well, okay, I missed you, too," he said.

Sam shook his head, smiling, "You're such a jerk."

Gabe grinned and kissed Sam, running his tongue along the roof of Sam's mouth. When he broke the kiss, Gabe said, "I know, but you love me anyway."

Sam ran his fingers up through the back of Gabe's hair and pressed their lips together. He had to agree with Gabe. As much as he'd missed his boyfriend, he really missed this.

Sam slowly undid Gabe's fly with one hand while raking his fingers through Gabe's hair with the other. Sam slid a hand into his boyfriend's pants, palming him momentarily before pushing the fabric down from Gabe's hips. Gabriel moaned into Sam's lips, which only made Sam kiss him harder. Sam wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, pulling him to his chest, as he used a foot to finish removing Gabe's pants. Of course, unlike Sam, Gabriel had worn underwear for once.

Sam flipped Gabe onto his back and kissed his neck. Slowly, planting kisses and sucking occasionally as he went, Sam made his way to Gabe's boxer-briefs. Gabe tried to stifle a moan, but it escaped his lips regardless. It made Sam grin as he grabbed hold of the elastic and pulled Gabe's underwear off.

Very slowly, starting at Gabriel's ankle, Sam kissed his boyfriend's skin, moving higher and higher with each kiss. By the time Sam got to Gabe's penis, Gabe was very hard.

"Sam," Gabe breathed. Sam grinned evilly and pressed his lips to Gabriel's.

"I want to bottom," Sam said quietly.

Gabe looked at Sam like he'd grown a second head. "Let me get this straight. We dated for four years, all of which you were never, and I mean never, okay with bottoming," he said, "But now, even with what happened a month ago, you want to bottom?"

Sam nodded and said, "I want this to be right, and I can't let Luci have that kind of power over me anymore."

Gabe sat up straight. He gave Sam a concerned look and said, "I know that this is important, but what if I trigger you?"

"You won't," Sam said.

"But if you get triggered, Dean and Cas' wedding is literally happening right now. Is this really the best time?"

"It'll be fine."

"If I cause you even a little bit of pain, we could have a serious problem, Sam," Gabe said.

Sam pulled Gabe down next to him and said, "I trust you. I want to do this."

"Okay," Gabe relented. He grabbed a bottle of lube out of his suitcase next to the bed.

"You brought lube?" Sam asked.

Gabe grinned and said, "We're sharing a hotel room, and I was being optimistic. Are you telling me that you were even considering having sex with me without lube?"

Sam shrugged. It wasn't like he hadn't had sex without lube before.

Gabe's eyes widened as he slicked his fingers. "Before we do this," he said, grinning, "For future reference, just so you're aware, we always use lube. Always. No exceptions. If we run out, we will go get some. Okay?"

Sam laughed, "Okay."

Gabe said, "Okay, good. Glad we're on the same page. Don't scare me like that."

Slowly, Gabe slipped a finger inside Sam. It immediately sparked fear, but Sam quickly calmed himself. This was Gabe. It was fine. After Sam let himself relax, the intrusion did feel pretty nice.

Gabe kissed Sam quickly and said, "If anything feels uncomfortable, literally anything, tell me, and we'll stop, okay?"

Sam nodded, smiling at Gabe. Gabe was altogether perfect, and to think the guy had wanted to marry Sam at one point was incredible.

Gabe slowly started to move his finger, opening Sam up.

Sam gasped, nearly losing himself in how good this sensation could feel. Gabe paused, concerned.

Sam said quickly, "I'm okay. Feels good. Keep going."

Gabe grinned at Sam and added a second finger. Sam moaned, and he could tell Gabe felt much more relaxed. Gabe stretched his fingers, lightly touching some spot in Sam that just felt so freaking good. Sam fought the urge to arch his back in pleasure. He tried to hold in a few moans, too, but that effort failed miserably.

"You want me?" Gabe asked.

Sam met Gabe's eyes. He took Gabe's hand out and used some of that leftover lube to slick Gabe's shaft slowly.

"Are you really sure about this?" Gabe asked once again.

"I want you," Sam said.

Without any more hesitation, Gabe positioned himself in line with Sam and pressed very gently against Sam's entrance. Gabe trailed a hand down Sam's side as he slowly, carefully, slid inside.

"God, you feel good," Gabe said.

Sam couldn't form words. He didn't know what the hell he'd been exposed to before, but it wasn't sex. This. This was sex. Gabe slowly started to move, allowing Sam to relax around him first. As he thrust lazily, Gabe leaned down and kissed Sam's neck and collarbone. Sam gasped in pleasure and ran a hand through Gabe's tousled hair. Gabe leaned into the touch and increased the speed of his thrusts.

"God," Sam moaned, feeling himself fall apart with each thrust. He should've let Gabe do this years ago.

"Thanks for the compliment, but the name's Gabriel," Gabe said, smiling.

Sam would have chuckled if his breathing weren't otherwise occupied.

"I have...a thought," Gabe panted.

Sam kissed Gabe hard as he moved even faster within Sam.

Breaking the kiss, Gabe asked, winded, "Is your favorite position still doggie?"

Sam laughed, mind somewhere between insanity and euphoria, and said, "I don't know. I haven't had sex with anyone since we broke up."

"Well, that makes two of us," Gabe said, grinning widely, "Let's try doggie."

Sam said, breathless, "Okay."

Gabe gave one last deep thrust, making Sam tremble from the depth, and pulled out.

Sam took a moment to catch his breath before flipping onto his hands and knees. His body protested being in this position. All he could think of was Luci slamming into him, causing his limbs to shake with pain. His breath caught with anxiety.

"I can't do this," Sam said.

Gabe rubbed Sam's back gently and said, "Come back to me."

Sam flipped back onto his back with tears in his eyes.

"It's okay," Gabe said, stroking Sam's cheek and neck with one hand while holding himself up with the other, "It's okay. I've got you."

"I'm sorry," Sam said.

"Don't be," Gabe said, "I love you. We don't have to do this right now. I was just trying to think of what would feel the best for you."

"I wish I wasn't such a mess all the time," Sam said.

Gabe smiled and kissed Sam deeply. "But I love you being a mess when we have sex. I love watching you fall apart," he said.

Sam grinned and said, "That's not what I meant."

"We don't have to, but do you want to keep going?" Gabe asked.

Sam said, "God yes," and kissed Gabe hard and thorough.

Gabe was back inside Sam in a second. Sam moaned against Gabe's mouth and dragged his hands down his boyfriend's back. Gabe groaned from the pleasure and buried his hand in Sam's hair while speeding up with each thrust. Gabe pressed into Sam as deep as he could manage, making Sam's eyes go wide with lust and a surprised gasp leave his lips. Sam loved this. He loved feeling Gabe. He loved Gabe. If he had to guess what Heaven was like, Sam wouldn't be surprised if it felt a lot like this. Pure bliss and pleasure and love.

Gabe brushed Sam's hair behind his ear and used that hand to stroke Sam's shaft. Sam hummed in elated shock at the sudden contact.

"I love you," Gabe said softly.

Sam kissed Gabe deeply and lost himself. He moaned and came on his stomach, somehow missing Gabe's hand.

Gabe took one more deep thrust and came inside Sam for the first time. It was definitely an odd sensation, but Sam felt like it was something he could get used to.

Gabe pulled out and kissed Sam softly. "Thank you for making me the happiest man alive," he said.

Sam laughed, "Funny seeing as how there's a wedding reception happening downstairs."

Gabe hopped up and grabbed a towel from the bathroom. He gently wiped off Sam.

After tossing the towel to the side, Sam lay flat on his back, breathless.

Gabe rolled over and put his head on Sam's bare chest. "We can cuddle for a bit before going back down there, right?" he asked.

Sam nodded and said, "Sure."

Gabe threw an arm around Sam's waist and hugged him. Sam couldn't remember being happier.

"Sometime before we die," Gabe said, looking up at Sam, "We have got to try using chocolate sauce with sex like that." After having sex like that, Sam wasn't very inclined to say no.


	35. I Will Make You Hurt

When Sam and Gabriel rejoined the reception, Dean was expecting them to be disheveled or something, but they were as put together as before the wedding. Dean would've been lying if he said he wasn't proud of Sammy.

Walking over to them, Benny quickly grabbed Dean's attention.

"Congratulations, brother," Benny said, smiling tightly, "Can we talk?"

Cas looked at Dean and said, "I'll buy you two some time." He walked off to continue talking to everyone.

Dean led Benny off to the side and asked, "What's going on?"

"I'm sorry, Dean. I'm glad I was out there when you got shot," Benny said, "But I shouldn't have been out there."

"You talking about the drug deal you had going down?" Dean asked.

"You remember that, huh?" Benny asked.

Dean glanced over to where Garth was sitting with his girlfriend. "Yeah, I remember that. You're gonna clean up, right?" he said.

Benny looked at him with sad, regretting eyes and said, "I don't want to make promises I can't keep."

Dean hugged Benny tightly. "There are better ways to deal with pain," he said softly.

Benny pulled away from Dean and asked, "Like what?"

"I'm actually going back to work with Rufus in his garage. You can join me if you want," Dean said.

Benny looked at Dean and laughed, "Just like old times, huh?"

Cas started to walk over as Dean asked, "Speaking of old times, have you talked to Jo yet?"

Benny looked over at his ex. "Not yet," he said.

"Go ask her to dance," Dean said, "You never know, you might get lucky."

Benny clapped a hand on Dean's back, straightened his tie, and headed over to Jo.

Cas walked over and wrapped his arms around Dean's waist. "What was that all about?" he asked.

Dean hugged Cas and whispered in his ear, "Benny was buying some drugs when I got shot. He's been pretty messed up, but I think he'll figure it out."

Cas pulled back and looked at Dean. "Really? Benny's been using?" he asked.

"Yes, I actually picked him up for it," Dean said quietly, "But we can't talk about it right now, because Cassie's coming over." "Hi," Dean said to Cassie.

"Hey, guys. I kept my promise. I'm here on your wedding day. Great party, by the way," Cassie said, grinning. She twirled around in her knee length blue dress and laughed, "You guys finally gave me an excuse to wear this!"

"How've you been?" Dean asked.

"How've I been?" she asked, "You're the one who took a bullet to the head, honey. How've you been?"

Dean said, "Oh, you heard about that?"

"Oh, yeah. I heard about that. I've been hanging around Garth's table. He told me everything," Cassie said, grinning.

Kevin waved to Cas and started heading over with Anna.

"Hey, I'll catch up with you later," Cassie said. She pinched Dean's cheek and said, "I am just so proud of you!"

Dean hugged Cassie briefly and watched her walk away. She was getting out of the army in a year and a half. When that happened, he suspected they'd see a lot more of her.

"Hey, guys," Dean said to Kevin and Anna, "How've you guys been?"

Kevin beamed and said, "We've been fantastic. We just got the apartment on Lake Shore Drive!"

Dean had been over to the place they were interested in a couple of times, and it was a crazy nice building. Super expensive, but the view made it worth it.

"That's so awesome!" Cas said, high fiving Kevin.

Anna said quickly, "But this isn't about us. How was the wedding ceremony?"

Dean said, "It'll be playing on a projector during dinner assuming that Jo didn't break the camera, but it was nice. Bobby's great."

Kevin asked, "Was he able to do it with a straight face?"

"You'll see," Dean said. He looked around for Jo and saw her walking with Benny out onto the dance floor. Good.

"I'm glad you guys are doing so well," Anna said.

Dean said, "Yeah, same to you guys."

Kevin and Anna quickly gave hugs and ran out on the dance floor with everyone else.

Dean and Cas took the brief break in the flow of well wishes and hugs to go back to their table. Sam and Gabriel were sitting there, grinning like idiots.

"So, how are the rooms?" Dean asked, smirking at Sam.

Sam mock glared at him and said, "They're...spacious."

"Beds are comfortable," Gabriel said, smiling.

Dean shook his head and found Cas' hand. This day was great. He couldn't have asked for a better wedding, or a better person to be sharing it with.

Cas smiled at Dean, interlocking their fingers.

Gabriel gasped suddenly and said, "Sam, it's our song. We've got to go dance."

"For the last time, 'Heat of the Moment' is not our song. It was your wake up alarm that I got to listen to everyday for four years," Sam said.

Gabriel gave Sam his best puppy dog eyes and said, "But it's our song. Please, dance with me."

Sam shook his head. "I don't know, I'm a bit exhausted," he said.

Gabriel grinned and said, "Baby, you don't know what exhausted is yet. One dance. I'll start singing along if you don't dance with me."

Sam sighed and turned away from him.

Dean said, "Aww, c'mon, Sam. Dance with the guy."

Gabriel sang, "A look from you and I would fall from grace and that would wipe the smile right from my face..."

Sam grinned and said, "It's not going to work, Gabe."

Gabriel stood up and grabbed Sam's hand. He continued singing, "Do you remember when we used to dance? And incidents arose from circumstance. One thing lead to another we were young. And we would scream together songs unsung."

Sam sighed, "Does it have to be Asia?"

Gabriel sang loudly, "IT WAS THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT!" and Sam got up, pulling his boyfriend with him out on the dance floor.

Dean laughed and looked at Cas. "They are such dorks," he said.

Cas, smiling brightly, watched Sam and Gabriel dancing and said, "Yeah, but that was cute."

"No, that height difference is cute," Dean said. Gabriel barely came up to Sam's shoulder.

Cas laughed.

Charlie tapped Dean on the shoulder. "Hey," he said, seeing who it was.

Charlie asked Cas, "Mind if I steal him for a dance?"

Cas said, "By all means."

Dean groaned and let Charlie pull him onto the dance floor.

"So, how's married life treating you?" Charlie asked as she twirled into Dean's arms.

Dean twirled her back out and caught her with a hand on her back and the other holding her outstretched hand. "It's only been a few hours, Charlie," he said.

Charlie laughed, "I know."

Dean danced with her towards the middle of the crowd and asked, "How are you and Dorothy doing?"

Charlie smiled up at Dean and said, "I'm not going to talk about that at your wedding, sweetie."

"You guys are okay, right?" Dean asked, alarmed.

Charlie pressed herself flush with Dean and said into his ear, "We're fine, honey. I love her, and she loves me. We're fine."

"That's not how your first answer sounded," Dean said. He was still worried.

Charlie smiled but there was something sad in her eyes. She said, "We still don't know if the insemination worked, but that's not...I don't want to ruin your day, sweetie, I really don't."

"Charlie, tell me," Dean said softly.

Charlie sighed against him and said softly, "Alright, fine. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, but there's wasn't really time-"

She stopped herself mid-sentence and ran from the dance floor. "Dorothy!" she shouted.

Dean followed her quickly, a crowd of friends and family quickly forming.

Dorothy lay on the floor where she presumably collapsed. She twitched violently in painful looking spasms.

Dean pushed through the crowd and crouched next to Dorothy. "Cas, I need a spoon now," he said.

Cas left the throng of people without a second's hesitation.

"Dorothy? Baby?" Charlie tried.

Dean told Sam, "Call 911. She's having a seizure," as Cas handed him a spoon.

Sam broke away to call an ambulance while Dean stuck the spoon in Dorothy's mouth to keep her from swallowing her own tongue.

"Come on, Dorothy," Dean said.

Charlie looked from Dean to Dorothy in fear.

Dean kept a strong hold on the spoon while Dorothy seized until the paramedics arrived.


	36. Just Starting to Crawl

Sam and Gabe watched Charlie jump in the ambulance with the paramedics and Dean and Cas follow them in the Impala. For the third time in two months, they'd all be at the hospital, though this time they were all much more formally dressed.

Sam looked at Gabe and noticed his boyfriend was as white as a sheet.

"Gabe?" Sam asked.

"I should've said something," Gabe said.

"What are you talking about?" Sam asked.

"Charlie told me that Dorothy grew a tolerance to her HIV meds," Gabriel said softly.

Sam stared at Gabe. "When did she tell you?" he asked.

"The day Dean woke up," Gabe said, "I'm sorry. I should've said something, but she asked me not to."

Sam put a hand on Gabe's shoulder and said, "It's okay. We'll talk about this later. Go talk to the hotel and cancel the reservations. See if we can get our bags brought down. I'll talk to the guests."

Gabe nodded but a tear slid down his face.

Sam quickly hugged him and said, "Hey, it's gonna be okay. She's gonna be fine."

"I should've said something, I should've done something," Gabe said, voice tear thick, against Sam's shoulder.

Sam pulled back and looked Gabe in the eye. "This isn't your fault, Gabe," he said.

"I wasn't there for them when I should've been," Gabe said, trying his hardest not to cry, "If I'd been there for Michael, maybe he wouldn't be so fucked in the head. If I'd been open with you and Dean and Cas, Dorothy might not be-"

Sam hugged his boyfriend tightly and said softly, "None of that is your fault. None of it. And Dorothy's gonna be okay. We'll go to the hospital after we finish up here. Everything will be fine, I promise."

Gabe hugged Sam back and cried onto his shoulder. "I just want this to be over. I don't want to be afraid for my family all the time. Can't we all just be okay?" he said through tears.

Sam rubbed his back. He was scared, too. Everything felt like when Dean got shot but worse. He didn't watch when Dean got shot. He watched Dorothy have a seizure, and he couldn't do a damn thing. He'd never be able to get the sight of Dorothy's convulsing limbs out of his head. If it weren't for the fact that he was holding onto Gabe, trying to help him feel better, he'd be losing it himself.

Gabe pulled away from Sam and sniffled, wiping his eyes. "I'll go talk to the hotel," he said.

Sam nodded and walked to the DJ's table.

"Can I borrow your microphone?" Sam asked. The DJ nodded and handed him a small mic.

Sam tapped it a couple of times and turned around to the room full of talking people. "Can I get everyone's attention for a minute?" he asked loudly.

The talking died down quickly.

"Dorothy is being taken to the hospital near UIC. If any of you want to go over there and be there for support, feel free to do so. I know a lot of you are friends of Dorothy's, and I'm sure my family would appreciate it," Sam said, "Anyone else can feel free to go home. I hate to cut the reception short, but the grooms left, so...basically, you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Thank you."

People quickly started talking again and dispersing in random directions.

Jo walked up, holding hands with Benny, and said, "We're going to the hospital. Do you need help with anything?"

Sam asked, "Do you have the camera?"

Jo nodded, holding it up.

Sam said, "Keep the camera safe in your car. We'll meet you at the hospital."

Jo and Benny nodded and left.

After the majority of the guests had cleared, Sam went to find Gabe. He found him sitting on a bench with his head in his hands.

"Hey," Sam said, sitting down, "Come here."

Gabe rested his head on Sam's chest and said, "They're bringing the bags down."

Sam wrapped an arm around Gabe and rested his head on top of his boyfriend's. They sat like that for a moment, just listening to each other breathe. It felt to Sam like the calm before the storm. He didn't want to break this. After they left, they'd go to the hospital and have to face reality.

"Did she stop seizing when they put her in the ambulance?" Gabe asked, exhaustion and pain clinging to every word.

Sam said quietly, "I don't know. I just saw them all leave in a rush."

Gabe buried his face in Sam's chest. "I'm trying really hard to believe this isn't my fault. I'm really trying," he said.

Sam hugged Gabe and stroked his hair. He struggled to find words to comfort his boyfriend.

"I love you," Sam said quietly.

Gabe hugged Sam tighter.

One of the hotel clerks cleared his throat in front of them. He said, "Here are your bags."

Gabe and Sam got up. Sam quickly thanked the clerk and grabbed three of the bags, throwing them over his shoulder. Gabe grabbed the other three.

Sam couldn't bear thinking about Dorothy. He didn't want to lose a sister. His family was all he had at times. He didn't want to lose any of them. The thought that Dorothy might die stole the air from his lungs and churned his stomach with potent fear.

Gabe and Sam got the bags to the car, threw them in the trunk, and climbed in.

"You know this really isn't your fault, right?" Sam asked as he started the car.

Gabe just shrugged.

Sam said, "You didn't give her HIV, Gabe. You didn't get her sick, and we don't even know if this has anything to do with that. She might have just had a seizure. Maybe she developed epilepsy. We don't know."

Gabe sighed, "You're right. I just feel awful. I just wish there was a way I could help."

"I know," Sam said, putting a hand on Gabe's thigh.

"She's family, you know? This just sucks so much," Gabe said.

Sam held Gabe's hand and squeezed it lightly, reassuringly. It did make Sam feel slightly better to hear Gabe say that Dorothy was family. Maybe Gabe was starting to think of himself as family, too.

They drove to the hospital quickly. Dorothy was going to be fine. Everything was going to be fine. It had to be.


	37. Everyone I Know

Dean jumped out of the car and hurried with Cas up to the front desk of the hospital. Cas tugged Dean's arm and pulled him towards the emergency waiting room. Why stop at the front desk when they were all too familiar with where they were going?

Charlie sat in a chair, staring intently at paperwork she hadn't even begun to fill out.

"Charlie?" Dean asked, "Are you okay?"

"No," she said with a pained smile.

Dean took the clipboard of paperwork from her hands and put it down.

Dean crouched in front of her. "How is she?" he asked.

Charlie said quietly, "She'll be fine. She stopped shaking in the ambulance. She'll be fine."

A tear slid from Charlie's eye, and her attempted composure shattered.

Dean stood and pulled her up into a hug as she cried.

"She's not going to be fine," she choked out, "I can't do this without her."

Dean looked over Charlie's head at Cas, who gave Dean a worried look.

"It's gonna be okay," Dean said.

Charlie shook her head and pulled away from Dean. "No," she said, "No, it's not gonna be okay. Dorothy's dying."

"What?" Dean asked.

Charlie sat down and said, looking up at Dean and Cas, "Dorothy has AIDS."

Dean asked, "Wait, what? She had HIV, but she was on medication. What-"

"She developed a tolerance to it. We needed a different medication that our insurance wouldn't cover."

Cas said, "We could've helped pay for it."

Charlie laughed sadly and said, "It was nearly two thousand dollars for a month's supply."

Dean took a deep breath. That was a lot of money. Holy shit.

"We started saving up money, so we could at least buy some time while we dealt with the insurance companies," Charlie said, "But at her next HIV check, her doctor said she'd progressed to AIDS." She put her head in her hands and closed her eyes.

"Why didn't you tell us?" Dean asked.

Charlie looked to Cas and back to Dean. She said, "You'd just gotten shot when we found out. There wasn't exactly time."

Dean sat next to Dorothy and said, "I'm sorry. I should've been there for you guys."

Charlie shook her head and said, "There's really nothing you can do when it gets to AIDS but treat the symptoms. You wouldn't have been able to do anything. It's okay."

"Are seizures related to AIDS?" Cas asked.

Charlie held her fractured composure together. She said, "I don't know. She wasn't feeling well today, but it's your wedding, so stopping her from going was basically impossible. I don't know if that has anything to do with it." Taking a deep breath, she tried desperately not to start crying again.

Dean rubbed her back as Cas picked up the clipboard of blank paperwork.

"Do you want me to fill this out?" Cas asked. Charlie nodded while shaking from holding back sobs.

Minutes later, a doctor walked into the waiting room and asked, "Are you here for Dorothy Baum?"

Dean said, "Yes," since he wasn't sure if Charlie could speak just then.

"Dorothy has a very high fever. We're giving her fluids, but her fever is at 106 degrees. It may just burn off the fluids as she gets them," the doctor said, "I'm surprised she's as lucid as she is. You're going to want to be with her. I'm not sure how long she's got."

Charlie quickly got up and rushed to Dorothy's room, followed by Cas.

Dean asked the doctor, "How long do you think she has?"

The doctor sighed, "If she had any sort of immune system, we could fight the fever. With her temperature right now, we're looking at organ failure and brain damage. As it is, I'd be surprised if she survived the night. I'm sorry."

Without hesitation, Dean ran after Charlie and Cas. Cas stopped him as he was about to pass the door and pulled him inside.

Dorothy raised her hand in an attempted greeting when she saw Dean.

"Hey," Dean said. He couldn't believe Dorothy was dying. It couldn't be happening.

"Did...you...?" Dorothy asked Charlie.

Charlie nodded, "Yeah, I told them."

Dorothy looked over at Dean. "I'm...sorry," she said.

Dean walked to the side of her bed and said, "Don't be. It's okay."

Dorothy's eyes looked far away, but she smiled.

Cas brushed Dorothy's hair away from her face.

Dorothy grabbed Charlie's hand and said, "I under...stand if you...want...an ab...ortion."

Charlie said softly, "We don't even know if it worked, honey."

"If...it did. I...understand."

"Dorothy, no," Charlie said, "Just no. As much as I wish...this is gonna be the only piece of you that I'll have left."

Charlie started crying again, and Dorothy pulled Charlie's arm gently, inviting her on the bed. Charlie sobbed against Dorothy's shoulder as Dorothy rested her head on Charlie's. Dean held Dorothy's hand that was attached to an IV.

"What are we supposed to do without you?" Dean asked, trying his hardest not to cry.

Dorothy looked at him tiredly and said softly, "Please, don't...I'm...scared...enough."

"I'm sorry," Dean said, "I love you, Dorothy."

A tear escaped his eye, and he quickly wiped it away. They didn't need to see him lose his cool.

Cas leaned over the bed and hugged Dorothy and Charlie. He told Dorothy, "You're the best sister I could have asked for...present company excepted."

Dorothy grinned.

Charlie smiled and wiped her eyes.

Sam and Gabriel walked into the hospital room.

"Do they know?" Dean asked.

Charlie shook her head.

Dean pulled Sam and Gabriel out in the hall.

"Is she alright?" Sam asked.

"No," Dean said, "Sam, it's pretty bad."

"What do you mean?" Sam asked.

"Sam, I don't think she's-" Dean's voice caught and he put his fist to his mouth to keep himself from crying.

"She's not-" Sam said, staring at Dean.

Dean felt the tears in his eyes when he said, "Doc said she probably won't last the night."

Sam walked back into the hospital room quickly.

Gabriel asked, "What caused the seizure?"

"She's got a critically high fever," Dean said, "It's probably AIDS related, but fever might have caused the seizure."

Gabriel looked towards the room sadly.

"You should get in there," Dean said.

Gabriel nodded and followed Sam in.

Dean started to go in but instead stopped and walked around the corner. He couldn't handle this.

Cas walked out to the hall and said, "Hey."

"Hey," Dean said, "Sorry. I-I can't be in there anymore."

"I understand. It's Dorothy," Cas said.

Dean said quietly, "Pretty much, yeah."

"You want to come with me to get Charlie a pregnancy test?" Cas asked.

Dean nodded, and followed his husband down the hallway.

On the way to the hospital pharmacy, Cas asked, "How are you doing?"

"Not good," Dean said.

Cas glanced at Dean worried, and Dean couldn't hold back the tears any longer.

"I can't do this anymore," Dean said, "I watched my father pull the trigger when he offed himself, Sam barely survived the overdose, and now Dorothy's-"

Cas hugged Dean. He held onto Cas tightly. Dean, crying in Cas' arms, finally let himself break down.


	38. Goes Away

Sam leaned next to the bathroom door wondering how the hell any of this happened. Dorothy couldn't be dying. Charlie couldn't be finding out whether she was going to be a single mother or not. Gabriel couldn't be sitting in Dorothy's hospital room trying to comfort her. None of this made any sense. None of this could possibly be happening.

Charlie walked out of the bathroom holding the pregnancy test and said, "Now, we wait."

"Charlie, what are you gonna do if you are pregnant?" Sam asked.

Charlie sighed, "Don't ask that. I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do."

Sam put an arm around Charlie's shoulders. "We're here for you," he said, "No matter what."

Charlie laughed sadly, "Yeah, can you imagine Dean and Cas helping me raise a baby?"

Sam laughed. That'd be hilarious. He also wasn't quite sure how Gabe was around kids.

Charlie peeked at the test between her fingers and said, "Well, let's go."

Sam followed Charlie quickly down the hall. "What did it say?" he asked.

Charlie shook her head and said, "Nope. Dorothy gets to be the first to know." Sam couldn't read Charlie's expression, and he honestly didn't know what result she wanted. Charlie stepped into the room with Sam behind her.

Dorothy was asleep. At least, Sam hoped she was sleeping. The fear that dragged at his soul toned down any excitement he'd had about finding out if Charlie was having a kid or not.

Gabriel rubbed the back of Dorothy's hand. She looked exhausted. Dorothy stirred and looked blearily at Charlie.

Charlie gave Dorothy a watery smile. "It worked," she said, "You knocked me up."

Dorothy grinned and reached for her wife. Charlie kissed Dorothy softly.

"You would've been a great mom," Sam said.

Dorothy looked at Sam with a smile and teary eyes; whether it was from sadness or the fever, Sam couldn't tell.

"She's not dead," Charlie snapped, "We're not gonna talk about her like she's dead."

Dorothy touched Charlie's arm and shook her head haphazardly.

"Sorry," Charlie said quietly.

Sam said, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean- I just don't understand how this is happening."

"I know," Charlie said.

Sam figured it was better to ask now or never. "How did Dorothy get HIV?" he asked.

Charlie shot Sam a hard look and said, "I'm not talking about it."

"But I just don't understand how-"

"Sam, drop it."

Dorothy looked at Charlie and said between heaving breaths, "Tell...him."

Charlie stared at Dorothy for a moment but said, "Fine. In the hall."

She pulled him past Gabe and out in the hallway.

"Why do you have to ask about this now? She is dying, Sam," Charlie said, exasperated and upset.

"I know she didn't cheat on you, and she's not exactly the type to shoot up heroin or something," Sam said, "I just want to know why my sister is dying."

Charlie sighed, "Okay. Back in college. She went for a drink with her classmate. And he-she didn't even want to tell me, but it's not like I'd just watch her come home with tears in her eyes and pretend like everything was okay. I mean, c'mon, you know me. I would never-I love her. Anyway, he had HIV."

"She was raped?" Sam asked. He thought about how supportive Dorothy had been after the truth about Luci came out. He wished he'd known sooner. He could've helped...or at least understood.

Charlie gave Sam a harsh stare. "Don't say that," she said, "I made my peace with it years ago, but if I ever find out who it was, I'll rip his dick off and set him on fire. And that's all you need to know."

Sam hugged Charlie. "I'm so sorry," he said. He knew what his own problems did to Gabe. He couldn't imagine what it must've been like to keep that from the family for so many years.

Charlie hugged Sam back and pulled away. "I've already cried enough today," she said, walking back into Dorothy's room.

Sam looked at Gabe. He didn't know what he would've done without Gabe. Well, he did know. He'd earned himself a room in this same hospital and mandatory therapy sessions.

"I love you," Sam said to Dorothy.

Dorothy said quietly, "I'm...sorry...I didn't...tell...you."

Sam held her hand and said, "It's okay. I didn't want to tell you either."

Dorothy smiled weakly.

Slowly and then all at once, everyone who had been at the wedding started filtering in and out of the room, saying their goodbyes and giving their love. Cassie kissed Dorothy on the cheek, Jo and Benny took turns hugging her. Charlie didn't leave her wife's side no matter how many people were there.

After everyone left, Dean and Cas came back in to see Dorothy. It was clear Dean had been crying, but Sam knew better than to call attention to it. No one said anything, and for a short moment everything felt almost okay. But it didn't last long.

Dorothy shuddered violently and cried out in pain, clutching her chest. Charlie quickly put a hand on Dorothy's shoulder, eyes wide with fear.

Gabe said, "I'll page a nurse."

Dorothy quickly gasped, "No," and grabbed Gabe's wrist.

She got better control of her breathing and said quietly, "There's...nothing...they...can do."

Charlie asked, "Guys, could we have the room?"

Sam said, "We'll give you guys some space."

Cas touched Dorothy's hand lightly and said, "It's been an honor."

Dean leaned over Charlie and kissed Dorothy on the forehead. "See you on the other side sooner or later," he said.

Dorothy said, "Make it...later."

Gabe held Dorothy's hand and pressed a kiss to her knuckles. "Always a pleasure, my dear," he said. He gave her a seductive grin, but Sam knew him well enough to recognize a cover when he saw one.

Sam gave Dorothy a small smile. There wasn't anything he needed to say that wasn't already said. Dorothy returned the smile softly.

As they left the room, Sam heard Dorothy say, "I...love you," and Charlie choke back a sob.


	39. In the End

After everyone left, it was just them. Like always.

But it would never be just them. Never again. Charlie would've done anything for that woman. She would've loved her till the end of time. She would've held her, kissed her, had children with her, anything and everything all for her. And she wanted to tell her all of this. But words were useless and a waste of their dwindling time. Dorothy knew all of it anyway. If she didn't, Charlie'd been a piss poor wife and didn't deserve to say it now. But Dorothy knew. How could she not?

Dorothy's lips were so dry and cracked. Her face was pale and wan. She looked like death. But there was light in her eyes. It was the only thing keeping Charlie together. They didn't need to say anything. Charlie tried not to cry. She held Dorothy's shaky hand.

Charlie knew Dorothy wanted her to leave. She always tried to be so strong for Charlie's sake. But Charlie would never leave.

Slowly, she climbed into the hospital bed. She pulled Dorothy to her chest.

"I love you," Charlie said softly.

Dorothy coughed and said in a breathy whisper, "I know."

Charlie rested her head on Dorothy's. She listened to her wife's shaky breaths until there were none left.

"Dorothy?" Charlie said. Dorothy's heart rate monitor screeched a flat defeated whine.

Dorothy's chest was completely still. Charlie felt Dorothy's neck for a pulse and came up empty handed.

"Dorothy," Charlie said quietly.

Tears rolled down her cheeks as Charlie hugged her wife tightly.

She felt an emptiness form in her chest that made her forget how to breathe. She couldn't do this. She couldn't handle this. She was pregnant, she had a funeral to plan, she had an apartment she couldn't afford on her own, and the one person who could make this okay was dead in her arms. It was too much.

How could she even begin to deal with this? Charlie already missed Dorothy so much. It hadn't even been a few minutes yet. How could she be expected to continue on with her life? What was the point if Dorothy wasn't there? She bowed her head to Dorothy's, crying and rocking back and forth.

Silence filled the hospital room broken only by the sounds of the monitor's wail, exploding fireworks, and Charlie's grief filled sobs.


	40. It Was Over My Head

Dean awoke to the scent of bacon wafting through the morning air. He rolled over only to get a face full of Cas' unruly hair. He shook himself out of tangled mess and pressed a kiss to his husband's cheek. Cas groaned in his sleep, and Dean smiled. He sat up and managed to slide himself out of bed without waking up Mr. Comatose.

There was definitely the smell of bacon. Dean pulled on boxers and a t-shirt before leaving his bedroom. He emerged from his room, closing the door quietly, to find Gabriel and Sam busily cooking bacon and eggs and waffles. Charlie sat at the table reading a book while the food was being prepared.

It felt like old times, and it was nice having everyone back under the same roof. Well, not everyone, but it was as close as they were ever going to get. If he didn't think about it, it didn't hurt so bad.

"Good morning," Sam said, "Want some breakfast?"

Dean grinned and asked, "What kind of question is that?" He grabbed a plate of waffles, put some bacon and eggs on it, and set it in front of Charlie. He got another plate for himself and sat down.

Charlie looked over at the plate in front of her, up at Dean skeptically, and back to her book. "I'm not hungry," she said, "But thank you."

Dean put a fork down next to her plate and said, "You should eat anyway."

Charlie gave him a tired stare. "Dean-" she started.

Dean said quickly, "Normally, I wouldn't push it right now. I wouldn't say anything until I thought there was a real problem, and it's only been a day. I get it. But Charlie, you're pregnant. You need to eat."

Charlie swallowed whatever argument she had and took a bite of her eggs.

"If you don't mind me asking, whose DNA went into your kid?" Dean asked, biting off a chunk of bacon.

Charlie grinned and asked, "You want to know whose sperm we used?"

Dean nodded. He was just curious. It wasn't like it was a big deal or anything.

"We didn't use sperm," Charlie said, "The egg was Dorothy's and we fertilized it with my bone marrow."

"You can do that?" Dean asked.

Charlie nodded and said, "It wasn't cheap, but yeah. We'd already saved up so much money for the meds she didn't need, so we decided to go the extra step. Couldn't use Dorothy's bone marrow because of her AIDS, but a few of her eggs turned up clean."

"So, the kid is biologically both of yours?" Dean asked, still completely shocked that that was even a thing.

Charlie nodded, smiling.

"Guys can't do that, right?" Dean asked.

Charlie nearly choked on her waffle. "Are you asking me if men can reproduce?" she asked.

Dean shook his head and said, "Yeah, stupid question. Never mind."

"Wait, are you and Cas thinking about-"

"No! No, not yet."

Cas sleepily walked up to the table and sat down. "What aren't we thinking about?" he asked.

"Nothing," Dean said. He quickly got up to fix Cas a plate.

Sam and Gabriel gave Dean knowing looks, letting Dean know they'd overheard his conversation with Charlie. Dean ignored the chefs, got food on a plate, and returned to the table.

"You seem to be in better spirits than I was expecting," Cas said to Charlie as Dean sat down with Cas' plate.

"I'm a good actress," she replied, "But I am kind of okay if I don't think about it. It feels like she went to the store or something, like she'll be back in an hour."

Cas gave Charlie a soft smile like he was proud of her.

Finally, Sam and Gabriel had cleaned up the kitchen enough to join everyone at the table for breakfast.

"Thanks for breakfast, guys," Dean said, continuing to munch on bacon.

Gabriel dropped his fork and said, "Be still my heart! Did Dean Winchester just thank us for cooking?" He looked at Sam and asked, "I know I was gone a long time, but did he...learn manners?"

Sam grinned at his boyfriend as Dean said, "Shut up." It felt nice having a full table again.

Cas caught Dean's eye and nodded at him. They'd had a long talk the night before after they got back from the hospital.

"So, we have five people at this table, and four apartments between us," Dean said.

Sam stopped eating and looked at his brother.

"Cas and I have been talking, and since you two," Dean said, indicating Sam and Gabriel, "Have been sleeping here for nearly a month, and you, Charlie, camped out on our couch last night, we were wondering if you'd all like to move back in."

Sam and Gabriel looked at each other as Charlie said quickly, "Yes."

"Sure," Sam said, "We're in."

"Great!" Dean said, "Now, here's the other thing. How would you guys feel about moving stuff in today?"

"Today?" Sam asked.

"Today's perfect," Charlie interrupted, "My rent is due tomorrow, and I can't afford it by myself. Today's great."

"Today's fine," Gabriel said, "But this is a lot of short notice work you're suggesting."

Dean said, "If all of us go from apartment to apartment, it'll go by quickly. I've got bungee cords and a car. Sam has boxes at his place. We've got this."

Charlie hugged Dean tightly and said, "You guys are life savers."

After cleaning up the remains of breakfast, they drove to Charlie's apartment first.

Sam and Gabriel got to work packing up stuff in her kitchen while Dean and Cas decided to box up the stuff on the bookshelves.

Charlie took an empty box and headed straight for the bedroom.

Dean grabbed an arm full of books, stacking them in a box.

"Have you ever read this?" Cas asked, holding up a copy of Oliver Twist.

Dean shook his head and kept grabbing books and the trinkets in front of them.

"I used to read it all the time in junior high and high school," Cas said, "I always felt like I could really relate to the story."

Dean glanced at Cas and the sentimental look on his face and asked, "I know it's about an orphan, and I think we can all relate to that one. Is there something else?" Cas looked up at Dean and put Oliver Twist in a box.

"Oliver always wanted a family, and he never thought he would have one until he found one," Cas said, "I could relate to that."

Dean sighed, "Are you gonna start talking to me about kids now, too?"

Cas grinned and said, "No, I was talking about you, Dean. My dad and I were never much of a family, and I didn't think I'd ever have a family after my dad and I lost contact before college. Then, I met you, and now I have this amazing family."

Dean finished putting the books in his hand into the box nearest him and stepped over to Cas, giving him a hug. "I'm glad you're my family," he said.

As he released Cas, Dean heard the distinct sounds of Charlie crying. "Shit," he said, walking past Cas and around to Charlie's bedroom.

She was sitting on the floor with a box of photos, trying to stifle her sobs.

"Charlie," Dean said softly.

She turned around and stood up quickly, wiping at her eyes.

Dean walked over and hugged her. "I'm sorry," he said. She clutched at his shirt and cried into his shoulder.

Cas stepped in and looked at Dean.

Charlie sniffled and said a quiet, "Sorry."

"No, it's okay. I shouldn't have suggested going through all of this today. It's only been a day. I should've-" Dean said.

"No," Charlie said, voice tear thick, "It needs to happen today. I'll deal with it."

Cas stepped forward and put a hand on Charlie's shoulder. "Can I help you go through the stuff in here?" he asked.

Charlie nodded and sat back by the box of photos with Cas. "This is one of the photos from our wedding," she said, "I know I'm going to keep all of these. I don't know why I started going through them."

"It's okay," Cas said, grabbing a picture, "Wasn't this one right before you pushed Dean into the lake?"

Charlie laughed, "Yeah, right before I ruined his suit."

Dean said, "Hey, that was a nice suit."

"It was worth it," she said, "You told me my dress made me look like a girl."

Cas laughed and put the photo back in the box, putting the lid back on.

Dean smiled gratefully at Cas and went back to clearing out the living room area.

Two hours later, Sam and Gabriel were cleaning up the remains of a shattered plate that had fallen victim to Gabriel's attempt at juggling, Dean broke down the two bookshelves so the wood slats would fit in the car, and Cas and Charlie boxed up Charlie's entire bedroom and started bringing the bed and bed frame out to get tied down to the roof of the Impala.

As they dropped all of Charlie's stuff off at the apartment, haphazardly throwing boxes into Charlie's empty room, Charlie tried to slide her bed off the Impala roof.

"Hey, hey, no," Dean said, taking her hands gently from the top of his car, "First of all, you're pregnant. No heavy lifting. Second of all, you might scratch my car with your bed, and just...no. I got this."

Charlie huffed and walked inside as Dean carefully lifted the mattress and box spring off his car and to the ground. Sam and Dean got the bed just inside the front hallway.

After a busy half an hour, the Impala was empty of Charlie's stuff, and Charlie's room was filled with a myriad of boxes and random stuff strewn about.

It was only noon, so with a quick break to have sandwiches for lunch, they drove off to Sam's apartment.

Sam pushed his apartment door open without a key and sighed. They hadn't been back to Sam's place since the incident with Luci. Apparently, they hadn't locked the door.

Sam stepped inside and said, "This shouldn't take too long. All I need are clothes and a few blankets."

Gabriel looked around and asked, "What about the rest of your stuff?"

"We can take it to Goodwill tomorrow for all I care," Sam said as he headed towards his bedroom.

Dean followed his brother and opened the closet. There were only a few shirts and a few pairs of pants on hangers.

"Don't you have anything else?" Dean asked.

Sam shook his head and said, "This was really all I needed."

Dean shook his head and grabbed half of the hangers, pulled them off the rod, and plopped them into a plastic bag.

Gabriel opened one of the dresser drawers and asked, "Hey, Sam, uhh, what's this?"

Dean didn't want to look. He didn't want to know what Gabriel found in Sam's dresser. He focused all of his energy on stuffing clothes into the plastic bags and not finding out whatever was in Sam's dresser drawer.

"It's a dream journal," Sam said stiffly, "Figured it might stop the nightmares if I wrote them down."

Gabriel looked up at Sam and asked, "Did it work?"

"Not a bit," Sam said.

Gabriel asked, "Can I read it?"

"Not if you know what's good for you," Sam said.

Gabriel sighed and handed it to Sam.

Cas leaned against the door frame and asked, "Which blankets should we be grabbing?"

"Just the ones on the bed. The one on the couch is kinda crappy," Sam said.

Cas grinned and said, "I'm glad to know I got to use the crappy blanket instead of all these quality ones."

Sam sighed at Cas' snark and started folding the blankets on the bed.

Dean took up a command on the other side of the bed, stripping sheets and tossing them to Sam. Cas grabbed half of a sheet and helped Dean fold instead of making Sam do all the work.

Gabriel asked, "Am I in your dream journal?"

Sam said hesitantly, "Yes."

Cas said quickly, "Gabriel, you should drop it. You're not going to like what you find in there."

Sam gave Cas a grateful smile, and Dean really wanted to know what the hell was going on.

Dean looked at Cas, confused. Cas shook his head so Dean would drop it and continued folding.

"You sure you don't wanna keep this place, Sammy?" Gabriel asked, plopping on the bare mattress, "I mean, it's small, but it's kind of homey."

Sam sat on the bed next to Gabriel and said, "After what happened with Luci, I'm sure."

"You know," Dean said, "Luci is in a mental hospital under intense supervision. You don't have to worry about him anymore."

Sam sighed and handed Dean the dream journal. "That's not the point," he said, "There are a lot of bad memories here. More bad than good, anyway."

Dean glanced at Sam and Gabriel before opening to the first page. It was a very detailed account of Sam not being able to differentiate between Luci and Gabriel. It was definitely set in this room. It started to get violent when Sam couldn't stop choking Gabriel. Dean didn't want to read any further. After the first page, he closed the journal and handed it back to Sam.

"Yeah, no thanks. I get it," Dean said.

Gabriel looked at Sam, concerned.

"You can read it later," Sam said, "We should get the stuff to the car."

Charlie walked in and said, "C'mon. We still have another apartment to get to."

Gabriel turned to Charlie, grinned, and said, "And you'll absolutely love how much stuff I have to get from my place."

Charlie rolled her eyes and picked up a couple of blankets.

Dean grabbed the bags of clothes and followed her out the door. He tried not to worry about Sam and reminded himself that the dream journal was probably very old. Maybe they'd ceremonially burn it on the beach or something if Sam wanted.

They dumped Sam's stuff in the trunk and drove to Gabriel's without even stopping to drop anything at home.

Once at the front door, Gabriel pulled a spare key out from behind the light fixture and said, "Everybody wait here. Give me two minutes."

Dean looked at Cas as Sam followed Gabriel inside anyway. Cas looked over at Dean but dropped his gaze. Dean didn't really like the three foot distance between them, but there were reasons for the personal space when they were here.

Charlie leaned against the building and said, "You know, you don't have to stop being all lovey dovey on my account."

Dean smiled at her and said, "Thanks for the permission, but that's not the case right now."

Charlie looked at him confused as Sam came out holding two boxes and some clothes on hangers.

"Let's go," Sam said quietly.

"Wait, you're leaving?!" Adam shouted from inside the building.

"Seriously," Sam said, "Let's go."

Dean popped the trunk so Sam could fit Gabriel's stuff in.

"Think about it," Gabriel said, walking backwards out of the door, "Now, you'll get the place to yourself. You'll be fine."

"Is it me? I'll stop sleeping on your bed, I'll even stop drinking. I promise."

"It's not you. You probably should stop drinking so much, but that has nothing to do with it. I'm back with Sam. Where do you think I've been sleeping for the last month?"

Adam hugged Gabriel tightly. "But I'll miss you," he said.

Gabriel hugged Adam back and said, "I'll still be around to take care of your sorry ass, don't worry. Seriously, the building's just up the block from here. You'll be fine, Adam, I swear."

Adam pulled away from Gabriel and looked at him sadly.

Charlie stepped up towards Adam and said, "Hey, Adam."

Adam looked at Charlie and smiled. "Hey, Charlie. I haven't seen you in forever," he said, "How've you been?"

"I was wondering if you could help me," she said.

Adam gave her a confused look and asked, "With what?"

"Could you come to the funeral this weekend? I'm gonna need someone to hold my hand and keep me sane," she asked.

"That depends," he said, "Who died?"

"My wife," Charlie said.

Adam stared at Charlie and said, "Holy shit. Dorothy's-I'm so sorry." He hugged her and said, "Sure. I'll be there. Whatever you need."

"Thanks, honey," Charlie said, kissing him on the cheek.

Adam waved at them as they piled back into the Impala.

Dean asked Charlie, "Where the hell did that come from?"

Charlie sighed, "Well, I have to start figuring out this funeral stuff somehow, but really, that kid is a mess. He needs someone to be strong for and take care of so he'll realize that he's strong enough to take care of himself."

Gabriel stared at Charlie and said, "That is really smart and amazing of you."

Charlie smiled as Dean started the engine, heading back home.

No one wanted to do any more work. Sam and Gabriel took their crap up to their room while Cas set to work making dinner.

As he served up the macaroni &amp; cheese, tuna, and peas, Cas said, "This is the easiest, healthiest meal to prepare, and I'm tired after all the moving, so don't judge dinner. Just eat and enjoy."

Dean grinned. They'd eaten the makeshift casserole a lot after everyone else moved out, and the amount of rent they were handling became almost too much. It was the meal of the broke and desperate, but it was also absolutely delicious.

Everyone took a bowl, and Dean took great pleasure in watching them all realize how good macaroni &amp; cheese, tuna, and peas really was. One by one, their faces all showed their contentment with the food. That was always Dean's favorite part of sharing the meal with others.

After dinner, Charlie looked at the mess of her room and said, "Fuck it." She plopped down on the couch and closed her eyes. It was 8:30pm, but everyone was exhausted despite the early hour.

Dean smiled and crouched in front of her. "How about tomorrow we look into funeral stuff together, see if there's anything official we need to get done with city hall, okay?" he asked.

Charlie opened her eyes and looked at Dean. "You're gonna help me?" she asked.

Dean nodded and said, "I'd never let you go through this by yourself."

Charlie smiled at Dean and said quietly, "Thank you."

"You want a blanket?" Dean asked, getting up.

Charlie said, "Nah, I'm fine. But seriously, thank you."

Sam and Gabriel were laying down in their room when Dean walked past.

"You guys want the door shut?" Dean asked.

Sam nodded, smiling gratefully that he didn't have to get up.

Dean closed their door and walked to his room. He sat down on the queen sized mattress and sprawled out, exhausted.

Cas joined him within minutes and laid down next to him.

"Do you think Charlie's gonna be okay?" Cas asked.

Dean said, "Yeah. Charlie's strong. It'll just take some time."

Cas took a deep breath and asked softly, "Are we still going on our honeymoon?"

Dean propped himself up on an elbow and looked at Cas. He asked, "Was this awesome day not enough for a honeymoon for you?"

Cas grinned at Dean's teasing.

Dean said, "Yeah, of course we are. Maybe not when we planned, but we will definitely go on a honeymoon."

Cas sat up as Dean lay back. "Do you hear the TV?" he asked.

Dean sighed, "It's probably Charlie watching something."

Cas asked, "Are you sure she's gonna be okay?"

Dean nodded and said, "When her parents died, she was a wreck, but she got past that. This is still really recent for all of us."

Cas said, "I know. I'm not saying that she won't be okay ever, I'm talking about tonight. I just know that after you forgot me, I couldn't sleep, and I'm worried that she might have the same problem."

Dean rolled over to look at his husband and asked, "You couldn't sleep?"

"After sleeping with another person for so long, sleeping alone is...difficult," Cas explained, "I was able to sleep when Sam kept me company, but he wasn't you, and that was worse than not sleeping."

"Are you suggesting we invite Charlie into our bed for the night or staying up with her? I'm confused," Dean said.

Cas replied, "We have more than enough room in this bed. At least if she wakes up, we'll be here for her."

Dean sighed and said, "Okay, but no complaining about having to sleep with clothes on. This was your idea." He got up and trudged down the hall to where Charlie was flipping through Netflix in the dark.

"Hey," Dean said.

"Hey," Charlie said, "Was the TV too loud?"

"Nah, Cas thinks you're having trouble sleeping," Dean said, sitting next to Charlie on the couch.

Cas walked over and sat on Charlie's other side.

"I've stayed up later than this. It's barely after 9, guys," she said.

Cas asked, "Did you sleep at all last night?"

Charlie looked at Cas and sighed, "No. I just read The Hobbit until Sam and Gabriel started cooking."

Cas said, "You and Dorothy stayed up with me when I couldn't sleep at your place, but you need sleep. If I'm right, I have an idea that might help."

Charlie said quietly, "I can't sleep without her."

Cas gently rubbed Charlie's back as Dean said, "Apparently, sleeping with Sam helped Cas get some shut eye. He thinks if you sleep with us, you might have the same luck."

"Thanks, guys, really," she said looking between Dean and Cas, "But it's not even that late. If I'm still up by midnight, I'll consider it. If I do join you, I require you both to at least have boxers on."

Cas nodded and got up.

Dean said, "Well, have a good night either way."

He and Cas walked back to their room, stripped down to boxers, and plopped in bed.

"It was worth it to offer," Cas said.

Dean lay down on top of Cas and kissed him softly. "I love how caring you are," he said, "I love that you thought to offer."

Cas smiled and kissed Dean back. "I love you," he said.

Dean grinned. "I love you, too," he replied.

Dean wrapped his arms around Cas and rested his head on Cas' shoulder.

About five minutes later, Charlie knocked on their door. Cas opened it and she said, "Okay, I'm really tired."

Dean scooted closer to the wall to make room for both of them. Cas lay down in Dean's arms, and Charlie got in the bed next to Cas.

Cas looked at Charlie and said, "It's gonna be okay."

Charlie said quietly, "Thank you."

Much to Dean's surprise, Charlie slept soundly through the night.


	41. I'm Still Learning to Love

After the funeral, Sam stood with his arms around Gabe next to Dean, Cas, Adam, and Charlie in front of Dorothy's grave marker.

His sister was dead.

The funeral service had been small with a bunch of Dorothy's friends. A pastor said some words about heaven, and Adam held onto Charlie's hand like he'd said he would.

Everyone else had left, and the six of them stood around the grave marker where'd they'd lowered Dorothy's ashes into the ground only an hour before.

"She should be here," Charlie said, "We should be at home excited about having a baby, and not standing at her fucking grave. She should be here."

Adam put an arm around her shoulders, and Dean said, "I know. She should be."

Charlie stared at the grave marker as a tear escaped her eye. She said, "I just don't understand why she didn't try harder."

Sam grabbed Gabe's hand. He wasn't crying as hard as he'd been in the church, but Gabe was still quietly crying.

Sam still couldn't believe they'd lost a sister.

A loud Metra train rolled past the cemetery, making Charlie jump. When Dean and Charlie had told them the burial plot was just off the Metra line going out of the city, Sam thought it would be nice to be able to pass the grave whenever they took the Metra out into the suburbs. The volume of the train roaring by made Sam rethink that convenience.

Dean said, "We'll bring the car up." As he and Cas started to walk away, they noticed two people, a man and a woman, walking over to them.

Charlie said under her breath angrily, "Unbelievable." She stepped away from Adam and walked over to the people.

With the anger and tension present in her walk, Sam hurried after her.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing here?" Charlie snapped at the newcomers.

Sam put a hand on Charlie's arm, but she shook him off.

"We came to pay our respects," the woman said.

Charlie glared at her and said, "You have some damn nerve coming here."

"Charlie, who are these people?" Sam asked.

"No one," Charlie spat, storming away from them.

The man and woman walked over to Dorothy's grave, holding hands.

"I'm sorry, I don't believe we've met," Sam said, following them to the grave marker.

The woman's eyes were glued to Dorothy's name, but the man said, "We're Dorothy's parents."

Sam stared at them in shock. Oh, shit.

Dean said, "You should get Charlie. We'll stay here."

Gabe followed Sam as he headed off in Charlie's direction. "What's going on with Charlie?" he asked.

Sam said, "You remember how Charlie and Dorothy met us, right?"

Gabe said, "Yeah, you guys were on the street together."

"Yeah. Charlie's parents died in a car crash, and she didn't trust the system. Our dad killed himself, and Dean acted as guardian. But Dorothy..." Sam said softly, "Dorothy came out to her parents, and they kicked her out. She was on the street because of them. The last time Dorothy even saw her parents was when she was seventeen."

Gabe took a breath and said, "Holy shit."

Charlie was pacing under a tree a few yards away. Sam and Gabe hurried over.

Sam asked, "How are you doing?"

Charlie snapped, "How the fuck do you think I'm doing? Those people have no right to be here. I was there for Dorothy. We gave her a home, we gave her a family. I don't care if she was their daughter. They can't be here."

"Just take a deep breath," Sam said.

"I'm not gonna calm down, Sam," she shouted, "They kicked their own flesh and blood to the curb for being herself. They have no right to Dorothy. They lost that right when they shut her out."

"I'll stay here, but you should get them out of here," Gabe said.

Sam ran back over to Dorothy's grave.

"Is that girl okay?" Dorothy's mother asked.

Sam said, "That girl is Dorothy's widow, and she is not okay. I think you guys should leave."

"She was Dorothy's lover?" Dorothy's father asked.

Dean said, "She was Dorothy's wife."

Dorothy's parents looked at each other and headed towards Charlie.

"You really shouldn't go over there," Sam said, "She wants nothing to do with you."

The parents ignored him. Dean, Sam, and Cas hurried after them.

"You were married to our daughter?" Dorothy's mother asked.

Charlie looked at them and took a deep, infuriated breath before saying, "You don't have the right to speak to me."

"We wanted to apologize," Dorothy's father said quickly.

"There aren't words you could say that would make up for what you did to her," Charlie snapped.

"We don't want to bother you, it's just...we wanted to fix things with her, we really did. When we finally found her, it was in her obituary. I just wish-I mean she was our little girl," her father said.

Charlie shook her head and said, "You kicked your little girl out of your house and left her to the wolves. She went back to your house every night for weeks, begging you to let her in. I don't care how much you regret it or what you wish you could do or say. She was your child, and you abandoned her."

"Can we at least try to help you?" Dorothy's mother asked. She handed Charlie a check.

Charlie looked at the check and looked up at Dorothy's mother. "What's this?" she asked.

Dorothy's mother said, "I know it's not enough to make up for what happened, but please, let us pay for her funeral. It's the least we can do."

Charlie took a deep breath as Sam held his. "If I didn't need the help, I'd throw this check at you. I hope you both understand that," she said.

Dorothy's parents looked at her sadly but nodded.

"Do you want to go home?" Dean asked.

Charlie said a quiet, "Yeah."

As they walked away, Dorothy's mother asked, "Could we see you later?"

Charlie stopped dead in her tracks and turned towards them.

Dorothy's father said, admonishing, "Maud, don't."

"Lyman, stop it," Maud, apparently, snapped.

Charlie walked up to them and asked, "Why would you want to talk to me?"

"You loved Dorothy. We made a mistake, a horrible mistake. Maybe you could help us get her back in some small way," Maud said.

"You lost any right you had to know her," Charlie said, but she continued, saying, "But we talked about you. Very recently in fact. So, we can meet, and I'll tell you about her, but only because she wanted her child to know where she came from."

"You have a child?" Lyman asked, surprised.

Charlie said, "Not yet, but I'm pregnant with your grandchild." She pulled out a napkin from her pocket and wrote her phone number on it. As she handed it to Maud, Charlie said, "Just keep in mind that the only reason I'm bothering with this at all is because it's what Dorothy wanted."

"Thank you," Maud said.

Charlie pulled Dean's arm, and they made their way to the car.

"Dorothy wanted your kid to know her parents?" Sam asked.

Charlie sighed, "We talked about it, and we were both on the fence. I mean, why would we expose our kid to homophobic people like that? But they're biologically family. Dorothy said it would be nice, but she was just about as enthusiastic as I was. If her mom hadn't said anything, I wouldn't have thought twice about leaving."

Sam nodded. He was surprised she'd offered any contact at all. He was especially surprised she mentioned the unborn child. He knew they were family, but he also knew how much she'd wanted to kill them initially. Sam was glad he'd never have a situation like that with Gabe. Even if they did have kids eventually, neither of them had parents anymore.

They all piled in the Impala and headed home.


	42. If I Could Start Again

It was Dean's and Cas' two year anniversary. In the two years since they got married, Dean and Cas had never been happier. Sam and Gabe still shared the room down the hall from theirs. Charlie and her daughter, Gale, still lived with them. They felt like a really family.

On this Fourth of July, Dean stood out on their balcony, cooking cheeseburgers on the grill. Jo and Benny sat on their couch, holding hands and watching Sam and Cas entertain the one-and-a-half year old Gale with colorful stuffed animals while Charlie and Gabriel set up a table for everyone to eat at.

Garth came out on the balcony and said, "Hey, I have to head out."

Dean sighed, "Fine. But you're sticking around longer next year."

"It's not my fault that my swearing in ceremony happens to be on your anniversary," Garth said.

Dean grinned. He still found it hilarious that Garth of all people was taking over as captain after Gordon stepped down.

Dean turned away from the grill and gave Garth a quick hug. "See you around, buddy," he said.

Garth ducked out quickly, and Gabriel stumbled past him out onto the balcony.

"I can't watch Sam with the baby anymore. It's too cute. It's freaking me out," Gabriel said.

Dean glanced inside to see Cas pull the little girl on his lap. "I know what you mean," he said.

He was not ready for kids. They could barely handle the one toddler in the apartment. God forbid if Cas wanted to adopt anytime soon. And yet, watching Cas bounce Gale on his knee, he could see him and Cas raising their own kid. Dean shook his head. Nope. No kids. Not yet.

He looked over at Gabriel to see him holding a ring.

Dean flipped some of the burgers with a spatula and asked, "So, what's that?"

Gabriel pocketed the ring quickly and went a few shades whiter. "Don't tell Sam," he said quickly.

Dean spun around and grinned at his brother's boyfriend. "You're gonna propose?" he asked.

Gabriel tried his hardest not to blush.

Dean laughed, "Holy shit, this is priceless. Why haven't you asked him yet? Get in there."

Gabriel looked out of the balcony and refused to make eye contact.

"Are you nervous?" Dean asked.

"So what if I am?" Gabriel asked defensively.

Dean asked, "Do you really think Sam's gonna say no?"

Gabriel said, "I'd have thought you would understand considering how you proposed to Cas."

Dean shut his eyes in irritation and took a deep breath. One day he'd get Cas back for telling them how he'd proposed during sex. He'd find an opportunity to get even, and by God, he'd take it.

"You've got nothing to worry about," Dean said, "Go ask him. It's not how you ask, the important part is that you ask him at all."

Gabriel took out the ring again and said, "I can't stop staring at this thing. It's gotta be what? Five grams? It feels like a ton of bricks."

Dean asked, "Do you love my brother?"

Gabriel laughed, "Of course, I do. What kind of question is that?"

"And do you want to spend the rest of your life with him?" Dean asked.

Gabriel said quickly, "More than anything."

"Then, get in there," Dean said.

Gabriel slipped the ring back in his pocket and walked inside. "Hey, Sam. Can I tear you away from the kid for a second?" he asked.

Dean grinned as Cas joined him out on the balcony.

"How are the burgers coming?" Cas asked.

"They're fine," Dean said defensively, "And I did not burn them last year, so I don't see why you're asking."

Cas kissed Dean, but Dean was smiling too much to fully return it.

"What are you all smiley about?" Cas asked.

Dean said quietly, "Gabriel's proposing to Sam."

"What?!" Cas gasped excitedly. He turned around and saw Sam and Gabriel were missing as Gale climbed up on Jo's lap. "Right now?!" Cas asked.

Dean nodded. He flipped a few of the burgers onto the buns assembled on a plate next to the grill.

Cas kissed Dean on the cheek and said, "The burgers look great. You're great."

Dean caught a quick kiss on Cas' lips before his husband took the plate of food inside to put cheese on the burgers.

A knock came at the door that Dean barely heard. He abandoned his post at the grill to open the door for Adam and a boy he'd never seen before.

"Hey, Adam," Dean said, "Who's this?"

Adam said, "This is my friend, Sammy."

"Sammy?" Dean asked, "That's not gonna get confusing at all."

"My name is short for Samandriel if that helps," Sammy said.

Dean shook his head and said, "Nah, Sammy's much better. Come on in."

Dean walked into the kitchen and said, "That kid's parents were as good at naming kids as yours were."

Cas shot Dean a look and handed him a few condiments to put out on the table.

"Dinner!" Charlie called.

Sam and Gabriel came out of their room, and Sam was smiling from ear to ear like he'd just won the lottery. Dean smiled at them and set out silverware on the table.

As everyone assembled around the table, Sam said, "We have an announcement to make."

Cas grabbed Dean's hand excitedly.

"We're engaged," Sam said happily.

Charlie said, laughing, "About fucking time."

Gale looked up at her mother from her lap, and Charlie said, "Don't ever say what I just said, okay?"

Gale laughed and started to happily babble to herself.

Charlie grinned innocently at Dean, and Dean just shook his head.

Cas hugged Sam and said, "I'm so happy for you guys!"

Jo started a round of clapping, soon getting everyone to applaud the happy couple.

Sam grinned and kissed Gabriel.

Benny whistled and Gale made a face.

Charlie laughed, "Oh, like you're not used to it around here."

Gale smiled brightly at her mother.

Adam smiled at the baby, earning a look from Sammy that made Dean think there was something a bit more than friendship going on between those two.

Everyone started digging into the food when another knock came at the door.

Charlie, sitting closest to the door, said, "I got it." She hopped up with Gale in hand and opened the door.

"Hi," came a female voice, "I'm new to the building and locked myself out. Do you know where I can go to get an extra key or something?"

Charlie looked away shyly and said, "I don't know. Umm, we were just sitting down for dinner."

"Oh, I'm sorry," the woman said, "I didn't mean to interrupt. I'll just-"

Gale started wriggling in Charlie's arms, reaching for the woman.

"Gale," Charlie admonished, repositioning her toddler and balancing her on her hip. "Sorry," she said, "She's really affectionate."

"Oh, it's no problem," the woman said, "I love kids."

"Gosh, I'm being rude. I'm Charlie. Are you busy? You're more than welcome to join us," Charlie said quickly.

Dean looked at Cas to see if he knew who it was, but Cas just shrugged.

Charlie led the woman in, who was apparently joining them for dinner, and said, "This is our new neighbor..."

"Gilda," she supplied, "My name's Gilda."

Dean grinned at Charlie, and Charlie rolled her eyes.

"Here's a plate," Charlie said, "Help yourself." She leaned next to Dean's ear and said, "I'm allowed to invite women over for dinner without being interested. Stop with the looks."

Dean gave her a skeptical look and said quietly, "You're allowed to be interested, Charlie. She's hot. I approve."

Charlie sighed and asked Gilda, "Would you like anything to drink?" Before getting an answer, Charlie walked into the kitchen. It was all Dean could do not to bust out laughing from how flustered his sister was.

After dinner, the sun started to set, casting a glow on the other buildings.

"You guys ready?" Dean asked. Everyone got shoes on.

Charlie said to Gilda, "We're going down to the lake to watch the Navy Pier fireworks. Do you want to go with? I mean, our landlord's office is downstairs, so we could bug him about a spare key on the way."

Gilda grinned and said, "Sure. I'd love to."

Dean gave Charlie a knowing look and picked up Gale. "You excited for the fireworks?" he asked.

She laughed and bounced excitedly.

Charlie walked passed Dean and said with a smile, "I don't need your judgment."

"Not judging. Just approving," Dean laughed, "I've got your kid. Go bug the landlord about the key."

Once outside, Cas asked, "Do you think the landlord will be in? It's the Fourth of July, Dean."

"Probably not, but Charlie and Gilda don't seem to know that," Dean said, "And I'm not going to stop them from having some alone time."

Dean swung Gale up on his shoulders.

Cas grinned at him.

Dean sighed, "Don't. Don't do that. I see that look."

Cas said, "You're just good with kids. It's adorable. I can't help it."

Dean said, "We're not having kids anytime soon, okay?"

Cas laughed, "You're the one who brought it up, not me."

Dean ignored him and walked ahead with the toddler bouncing happily on his shoulders.

They got to the lake in no time. At the beach, Dean put Gale on the ground, helped her kick her shoes off, removed his own, and held her hand as they walked to the water's edge.

Gale left Dean's grasp, slowly walked on wobbly legs to Gilda, and said brightly, "You're pretty."

Gilda smiled and asked, "Did your mom tell you to say that?"

Charlie tried her best to pretend she didn't hear.

The first of the fireworks started going off over the water.

Charlie sat next to her daughter and pointed to the firework. "Did you see that?" she asked.

Gale clapped her hands together happily.

Adam and Sammy plopped down in the warm sand, talking quietly amongst themselves with soft smiles.

Benny pulled Jo down in the sand with him, earning a loud shriek of joy and surprise from Jo's lips.

Sam wrapped his arms around Gabriel and rested his head on top of his fiancé's. "I love you," he said, kissing the top of Gabriel's head.

Gabriel leaned his head back for an upside down kiss and said, "I love you, too."

Dean pulled Cas into a deep kiss and walked him into the water enough to get their feet wet.

"Happy anniversary, Cas," he said.

Cas grinned and said, "Happy anniversary. I love you."

Together they watched the fireworks for the rest of the night, happier than any of them could remember being.

Endings are hard, horrible, obnoxious things but even more so the second time around. Not only will no one like it, but it won't hold up against the first ending. There's always loose ends. Endings are just disasters.

It's not always about free will. Sometimes things happen that aren't in anyone's control. How they dealt with what fate threw at them is what really defined them. Dean and Sam may not have always made the right choices, and fate may not have always been so nice to them, but they became stronger and better because of it. For Dean and Cas, Sam and Gabe, Charlie, Gale, Adam, Benny, Jo, and even Gilda and Sammy, it's not always about free will, but it will always be about love.

Ending are absolutely the worst. But nothing ever really ends, does it?


End file.
